Harrumph File #031 08.30.2010_ Baby on board

I think that says it all.

As you know by now, there are some things I just can’t stand.  Well, I mean besides the evil Chinese commies and all their evil, twisted plots.  There are things out there and people out there that are, well, just plain stupid.  For example, remember when those “Baby on Board” signs came out, last century?  If you don’t remember then let me explain: They were these little signs that were designed to look like yellow “caution” road signs.  They said “Baby on Board” and had small suction cups on them so that you could put them in your back window, alerting other drivers who would then be careful driving around your baby-carrying vehicle.  Of course, the drivers still left the signs in the window, even when the baby wasn’t on board, because the drivers of said vehicles were idiots.  Baby on board signs…yeah, like I’m going to say, “oh, I’ll stop driving recklessly since they’ve got a baby on board. Once I get around them I'll resume driving like an idiot. ”  Most of those signs are so old that the “baby” is probably a 25 year-old crack-whore by now… and her parents are still idiots.  You know, you can still see them every now & then, usually on the back window of a Subaru or Prius…which piss me off in their own ways.  How about bumper stickers with printing so small that you’ve got to rear-end the car in order to see what the hell they say.  Or, other ones that are just plain stupid.  I just saw one the other day that said “I don’t need a war to power my bicycle”  i.e.: “no blood for oil” (I’ve seen that one before on old, polluting Volkswagen Beetles.)  Of course, this sticker wasn’t on a bike, it was on a car… powered by gasoline.  Hmmm… and the driver of this vehicle was wearing sunglasses… made of plastic… another product of oil.  And how about that bike of hers, that she obviously doesn’t ride everywhere she goes, made in a factory that is run by… you guessed it… fossil fuels.  If she really wants to make a statement then she should slap that bumper sticker on her left butt cheek and walk everywhere she goes.  That’s called “moral authority,” obviously something she is woefully short of.  And how about personalized license plates that are indecipherable to anyone other than the clown who bought it?  I mean, what the hell does RUN2SNM mean anyway? Oh, wait a minute, I just figured it out.  Damn, I’m pissed again.  Why are there so many dumb-asses in the world?  Dumb-asses like movie producers that make movies that switch to slow motion when the “action” starts, which makes it look like the hero can outrun a nuclear firestorm or a tornado; are able to slice thirty sword-wielding opponents into ten pieces each, while running up walls & ceilings; can “twist” bullets around someone’s head…while the guy they’re shooting around turns his head and actually follows the bullet as it goes by…really? C’mon, we’re not idiots here, quit treating us like a bunch of ‘tards waiting to climb on the short bus for another day of basket weaving at the halfway house.  This is how it would work in the real world:  1. Buxom chick in T-shirt shoots pistol while “twisting” the weapon to curve the bullet around guy’s head. 2. Bullet impacts said guy’s head and peels off half of it while continuing into the wall behind.  3. Dead guy’s body falls to the floor while the chick looks on in horror and vomits…all in slow motion.  4. Zombies break into room and devour buxom chick because she can’t actually hit crap.  Jeeze, why can’t they make good movies anymore?  And how about those idiots that video record themselves jumping off of roofs & landing on panes of glass or have their buddies kick them in the balls twenty times in a row?  What the hell is that all about?  You know, in forty years, if they’re still able to reproduce, all they’re gonna get out of it are a couple of grandkids that’ll think grandpa’s a moron.  Speaking of idiots that put dumb crap on the internet (stop laughing) how about those clowns that seem to think that they have to twitter every detail of their life?  “I’m sitting on the porch.”  “Having a drink by the pool.”  “Taking a crap before a round of golf.”  C’mon, not only do I not want to know about your personal habits, I don’t really care what kind of drink you’re having… unless it’s cyanide.  And then there’s golf.  Why this “sport” doesn’t piss off other people, I just don’t know.  I mean, unless it’s miniature golf.  Who doesn’t love “HappyLand Mini Golf?”  “You’re gonna die, clown!”  Ha ha, that Happy Gilmore is sure something.  I still think he could take that smarmy Bob Barker in a rematch (and probably that crummy Alex Trebek, too.)  Harrumph…