Something’s been bothering me for quite awhile. Ok, stop snickering out there, I can here you: “Oh what is it now? Aren’t zombies, killer robots and a plethora of evil Chinese plots enough for this guy?” Well, this one is big…really big. Yes, it’s Canada. I’ve got many harrumphs for our neighbors to the north but the primary gripe I’ve got is this: For a country that’s covered in snow & ice…why don’t they have any penguins? I mean, penguins love snow. Penguins live in the snow. Penguins nest in the snow. Penguins march in the snow (yes, I’ve seen that movie.) What is Canada if it isn’t snow? All that snow & no penguins? I dunno, there’s just something fundamentally wrong with that. Is there some reason that penguins didn’t evolve in Canada? Heck, it’s not like an evolving species can choose where they come from (although that would explain it…who would actually want to evolve in Canada? *shiver.*) Penguins can’t just be a southern hemisphere phenomenon. Other species have evolved similarly in different places on earth. Here in the U.S. we’ve got alligators. Well, over in Egypt they’ve got crocodiles…pretty similar on the evolutionary scale. Here: black widow spiders (another *shiver*,) down under (that’s Australia for you shut-ins) they have the redback spider. I dare you to tell the difference while one is chomping on your finger. So, the question becomes: did penguins or some similar flightless, tuxedo wearing waddler evolve in Canada and if they did what happened to them all? Well, I don’t think we have to consult that crummy Alex Trebek to prove the fact that penguins did, in fact, populate Canada at some time in the past. Snow, lots of fish to eat, plenty of wide, open spaces of nothingness to lay their eggs in and march and march and march across. That question is settled…period. Ok, so what happened to these “indigenous Canadians?” Could they have crossed westward on the “land bridge” that once connected North America and Siberia? No, if that was true we’d just be dealing with a bunch of ex-commie Russian penguins nowadays and I haven’t seen any of those around, comrade. What if they somehow crossed the Atlantic and ended up in Scandinavia? Maybe they found one of those fictitious Viking boats that didn’t cross the Atlantic before Columbus and sailed back to Norway…? Naah, too ridiculous. Well, we know they didn’t come down here so what could’ve happened to them? There can only be one answer (stop trying to second guess me…I’m sure it wasn’t an evil Chinese plot. After all, the Chinese didn’t turn truly evil until the commies took over.) Ok, so you want to know what happened to these original, waddling Canadians? It’s obvious: the polar bears ate them. It’s not like penguins can out-waddle a charging, hungry, bone-crunching, thousand pound bear. And, conversely, these starving bears aren’t exactly good custodians of the environment. Have you ever seen them on a nature documentary invading one of those far north Canadian towns? When these guys go through an unlocked dumpster they don’t put the garbage they’ve thrown out back into the dumpster once they’ve finished off any morsels they may have found. Jeeze, what a bunch of pigs. And think about this: how many 10-pound penguins can a thousand pound bear eat in one sitting? As many as he can catch…and that’s a lot! So, the next time you watch an MSNBC special on global warming or turn the page on that Wildlife Foundation calendar and see “that” polar bear standing on “that” last iceberg in the world don’t feel so sorry for him. He had his chance…and ate his way to extinction. Harrumph…
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