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| Aaaahhh...sunrise over Shanghai!!!! |
Well, fellow Harrumphians, today is a bit of a history lesson. I’m sure all of you have been following the latest round of the START talks with Russia, that stumbling ghost of the former Soviet Empire. You remember, this all began under President Reagan, who wanted to shift from the SALT (Strategic Arms Limitations Talks) discussions of the Carter administration to START (Strategic Arms Reduction Talks.) Well, now these talks have begun in earnest again. Of course, I have a plan that will not only significantly reduce the number of nuclear warheads in our arsenal but solve some other problems as well. It would be wise for our political leaders to follow this simple advice: Nuclear carpet bomb Red China now. Oh, here we go again. I can already hear you weak-kneed sheep: “But…but we can’t use nuclear weapons first…thhhhat (lip quivering) would be wrong.” We can’t use nuclear weapons first? Is that on page one of the “Nuclear Weapons For Idiots” handbook or something? I hate to be the one to remind you but we have already used nuclear weapons first…on two cities full of civilians. Hello? National survival at stake here. Now why do I say that, and why the Red Chinese? It’s simple…the Red Chinese are commies…and…they’re coming to get us. Make no mistake, it’s the Red Chinese that, behind the scenes, are setting us up for failure so that they can then step in and take the top spot as the world’s only superpower. Why do you think that the Red Chinese broke away from the Soviets back in the 60’s? Couldn’t stand being number 2 in the commie world. Why do you think the Chinese invaded Vietnam in 1979? Couldn’t stand those VC upstarts trying to move into their less-than-ideal spot as number 2 in the commie world. Oh yeah, they want to be number 1…and we’re in their way. So, are we going to deny this simple truth until we see Chinese Marines storming ashore at Long Beach or do we do something about it now…while we can…before they become “too big to fail?” Once again, my solution is simple and has many side benefits: Nuclear carpet bomb Red China now. Here are some of the benefits. In order to do a good job of covering the entire country you’ve got to have some overlap (don’t want to miss anyone now, do we?) This will require approximately 1000 warheads. Ok, that reduces our inventory by about half…something the politicians have been trying to do for 30 years…done with the push of one button. Oh, here’s another benefit: once Red China’s been vaporized our national debt will be slashed by $900 billion! I mean, after all, you don’t pay interest on U.S. Treasuries to dead people. And what about so-called “rogue states” and their nuclear weapons? Well, I’ll tell you what, after seeing Red China go up like the greatest 4th of July fireworks display…ever, what do you think those piss-ant countries like Iran and North Korea are gonna do? They’re gonna stack their warheads on the nearest wharf and beg us to take them off their hands. Oh, and while the warheads are exploding over Chinese targets, if a few of them kinda go “off course” and take out Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City…well we’ll go ahead and call that one even too. And, the radiation, you say? What about all that pollution? Won’t a bunch of nukes going off increase global warming (gasp!?) Well, no. Think about this: all those evil Chinese factories, busy building sub-standard baby cribs, toys filled with lead and producing pet foods laden with poisons, all of them gone in one stroke! We can use all those carbon credits they won’t be needing to “offset” any bad effects that the hundreds of mushroom clouds might (nothing’s been proven mind you!) cause. And, if we funnel all those carbon credits through Al Gores’ carbon credit trading company I’m sure he’ll endorse this plan. After all, we know that Al Gore will cook up numbers to say anything if he can make a little scratch in the process! One last thing I can hear you say: “Bbbbut (lip quivering again) don’t they have a ballistic missile submarine? Can’t they use that to retaliate?” Ever heard of Los Angeles class attack submarines? With 3 or 4 of these guys shadowing their “boomer” I don’t think we’ve got anything to worry about. Put about 400 pounds of torpex into that sucker & that Chinese sub skipper won’t be firing off anything except announcements to his ancestors that he’ll be arriving in the afterlife in about 5 minutes. I also believe that our troubles with terrorism will quickly fade once we’ve implemented this plan. Obviously, the terrorists’ support system (backed by the Red Chinese) will be ruined. Besides, they’ll see that if we’re willing to make half a continent glow for the next 100 years why not a few caves in Afghanistan? After all, the START treaty doesn’t include tactical warheads…and we’ve got a lot of those to get rid of! Ok, so what have we learned? Nuclear carpet bombing of Red China is good. It has many side benefits. Reduce the number of nuclear weapons in the world: good. Reduce our national debt: good. Keep our children or grandchildren from having to fight swarms of commie marines as they storm ashore: good. Eliminate the threat of “rogue nuclear states” and terrorism: good. Preserve the environment: good. End the ever-present threat of evil Chinese plots forever: good. Now, if we can just get that crummy Alex Trebek to do a series of “Jeopardy” shows (“I’ll take ‘Countries that glow’ for 500, Alex”) in China before we launch...Harrumph…
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