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| Myanmar or
Vietnam? From 40,00 feet,
who cares! |
WTF? Myanmar? WTF? I mean, just what the heck was wrong with the name “Burma?” Does anyone know what the heck happened there? No? Well, as you probably guessed, some douchbag Burmese General woke up one day and thought “Hmmm, we just don’t get the international respect we deserve, I’ll take over the country and change our name, that way we’ll be the talk of news agencies worldwide!!! Muuuhahahahaha!!!” Unfortunately for him, the idiot overthrew the government the same weekend the Sega Genesis was released to the public and everyone was too busy playing video games to notice. And, did anyone check with Rand McNally on this? I mean, there’s a lot of maps that need changing here. I dunno, why go to all the trouble? And where did the name “Myanmar” come from anyway? I mean, c’mon, if you’re gonna take over a country then come up with a really cool name. How about something like Kickbuttica or maybe Illattackyouatthedropofahatstan. You know, something to put fear in the heart of your neighbors. After all, one of them is India and they’ve got millions of people just waiting to invade and take over (no, wait a minute…that’s the Germans *guffaw* silly me, what was I thinking?) Anyway, back in World War II, Burma was the scene of intense fighting and one of the more important areas was the Burma Road, which we used to supply China, which kept her millions in the fight against those silly Japanese. Think about it, if it was called the “Myanmarian Road” at the time, would smarmy British soldiers really have wanted to fight for it? I think we all know the answer to that. On another note, I’d also like to know if they’ve gone and changed the name of the Kwai River. Now, for those of you that remember the classic movie “Bridge on the River Kwai,” starring William Holden and Alec Guinness, this is nothing to trifle with. I mean, come on, Higgins from “Magnum P.I.” worked on that bridge! And, even though the real “Kwai” river (the Khwae Yai) is in Thailand (which, btw, should be renamed “Thighland”…mmmm) and not Myanmar, who cares? And, just what do you call people from Myanmar anyway? Myanmarese? Myanmarians? Dang, while you unravel your brain I’ll suggest something like “Myanmoronians.” Yes, rather fitting, methinks. So, who supports this monstrosity called Myanmar? Well, you’ve come to the right place because The Harrumph Files has discovered, through a thorough search of the CIA world fact book (and Wikepedia,) that it has got to be those evil commie Chinese behind the whole thing! It all comes down to trafficking in human beings and drugs. Now, you might think, “why do the evil Chinese need people? Don’t they have like, a billion or two billion people already?” Well, yes they do, but they use most of them in the army and the rest have become too smarmy to work in Walmart factories, cranking out corn-cob holders and 5 dollar sweaters. Now, this being a family show, I didn’t want to dabble in the sex industry part of the human trafficking, but your persistence has forced my hand. Yes, apparently evil Chinese Generals and Walmart businessmen have a hankering for Myanmarian women. But then again, who wouldn’t want a chick with 10 heads and 10 arms? Oh, stop it! Get a sense of humor already. Anyway, 10 heads? Jeeze, it’s hard enough getting them to shut up with just one head. So anyway, what can be done about this…Myanmar place? Well, of course my first choice would be to start the bombing right away but maybe some of you are too sensitive for this course of action so I do offer an alternative. Second choice: Send a team of two covert agents in to fix their wagon and fix it good*. Who to send, you say? Navy SEALS? Green Berets? Nope, they’ll be expecting that. I suggest a team that, even though they have yet to work with each other, I believe they cannot fail. Adam West (who needs no introduction) & Frank Drebin from Police Squad. After all, Adam West did a fine job keeping us safe from those costumed freaks during the ‘60’s. And, he has excelled as Mayor of Quahog recently. As for Frank Drebin, I think his “Naked Gun” series of movies is now required watching at West Point. After all, it was he who proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Ayatollah Khomeini did indeed wear an orange mohawk under his turban. “Surely, you can’t be serious,” you say? Well, I am serious…and don’t call me “Shirley.” Harrumph…
* “Fix their wagon” is supersecret military code for, well, fixing their wagon…you know, *wink* *wink* blowing stuff up & punching Generals in the face.
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