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| The coming robot revolution...this sign says it all. |
All right people, we’ve talked about a variety of things here on the Harrumph Files…almost all of them covering the most important and critical subjects of our day. However, I have until now shielded you from knowing about probably the single most frightening thing out there. No, it’s not the fact that Canada won the most gold medals at the Olympics…in…Canada. It’s also not the fact that killer whales are feasting on our bleached bones or that screeching babies are ruining the restaurant business…it’s the coming robot revolution…Yes, you heard right…the coming robot revolution. It’s going to happen. People can’t resist the idea of creating artificial life forms to do all the mundane things that us humans are “too good” to do ourselves. Sure, it all started with simple robot arms making cars on assembly lines in Detroit (which, by the way, put real people out of work…hmmm.) But you know as well as I that it’ll end up with some super computer figuring out that humans are some virus or “disease” infesting the Earth. You had better start preparing yourself now because if you don’t have a plan when the “switch” is thrown you will end up on the receiving end of a huge can (tin or aluminum, it doesn’t matter) of robot whoop-ass. You know, it’s just around the corner…heck, most of you are paving the way by using these “smart” phones with their fancy this & that, “smart” electric meters that you can program from the moon, “smart” cars that park themselves and turn their headlights around curves in the road. I don’t know about you but I’ve seen the movies…as soon as these devices figure out they’re smarter than us…which is inevitable…it’s all over. They’ll automatically network up with each other and begin marching us into the sea like lemmings. Are you a lemming? Well, I’m not a lemming and therefore, I have a plan. I have developed this plan very carefully over the years because…I have learned that someone I know is, in fact, a robot. Yes, I know it is hard to believe but just think of your own friends and acquaintances…you probably know someone who is actually a robot!!! You have to look carefully for the signs of robotism. Have you ever seen them display a blank look? Robots do that when they’re downloading the latest software update…you may even detect small hourglass figures in their eyes while they’re downloading. Do you know someone who never eats or drinks anything? If so, they’re probably a robot. Have you ever been stuck in a phone queue listening to a disembodied robotic voice telling you to push “1” for this or “2” for that. Inevitably it’ll ask for the last four of your social security number (for security reasons… yeah, right) then ask you to “say that again, I didn’t understand.” Oh yeah, they understand. Sometimes they even call you on the phone wanting your “vote” or asking you to “give blood this weekend.” Yeah, every drop of your blood. Ever heard someone spout trivia and think to yourself “How can anyone know that?” Well, when a robot is sporting an 800 gigabyte hard drive it’s no wonder that they’ll store a huge amount of useless information and start dumping it on you just to “appear” human (evil robots believe people are fascinated by trivia.) In fact, I’m convinced that every contestant that’s ever appeared on “Jeopardy” has got to be a robot…probably that crummy Alex Trebek too (Adam West discovered that if you spelled his name backwards it would be Kebert Xela? Ha!! A robot name if I ever heard one!) Ok, so what’s my plan (that you too can adopt) when these tin-plated, walking microwave ovens begin their extermination of the human race??? Run!!! Run like hell!!! Run…and pray that when these robots begin transforming into stainless steel monsters with gatling gun arms and red, laser-sighted eyes, that their central computers are run by an old, buggy copy of Windows 98 and they’ve been manufactured by some evil Chinese sweatshop in Shanghi! Harrumph…
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