 |
| The king of smarminess, Alex Trebek. And, he's a dang Canadian! |
You know one thing I really can’t stand? One thing that, if taken care of, our world would run smoothly & with no problems? Yeah, eliminating the Red Chinese is the top of my list but I’m talking about something even more insidious because they’re right here, already infiltrated into our society. Yeah, it’s those smarmy ass-clowns that constantly poke their noses into other people’s business, thinking they know more than you, when in reality everyone that knows them thinks they’re the biggest idiot around. Everyone knows one (or more if you are extremely unlucky) of these morons. Maybe they live next door to you or maybe you work with them. Either way, you know as soon as you see them walking your way that your blood pressure is rising and you wish you still had that croquet mallet or your kid’s little league bat in your hand. Now, I’m not talking about the guy that has memorized every fact in the world & is willing to share them with you or the person that’ll talk your ear off telling you about last night’s episode of “Seinfeld,” even though you old them you’ve already seen it. It’s not that Chinese guy (probably plotting the downfall of western society in his spare time) from I.T. that no one understands but you still smile at so that you’re not #1 on his hit list. I’m not even talking about that supervisor that recites, word for word, in that flat monotone that we’ve all heard, the company’s new policy on making sure you clean up the coffee grounds from the counter when you make a new pot of coffee, ensuring that you use a new filter each and every time and that you only take one filter from the carton and use 5 to 7 spoons of coffee grounds, blah, blah, blah…Jeeze, where’s that croquet mallet? No, we’ve learned to adapt & deal with these people with a lot of smiling & a “ya” or “um-hm” thrown out now & then. But, somehow most of you have lost your ability to deal with that smarmy idiot that comes over from his cubicle & begins to tell you how to do your job because “he knows better.” Or, maybe he sticks his nose into a situation that he knows nothing about & lets you know that “sooner or later you’ll realize that what I’m doing is best for you.” Well, the last thing you want this clown to think is that you actually want to have a conversation with him so the “um-hm” routine just doesn’t work. You’ve got to be direct. Sometimes a simple “shut the f**k up, dumbass” will suffice. However, some of these creatures will require follow up. I suggest: “When I said I hate your freakin’ guts, I meant it.” One of the most important lessons we’ve learned from history is that you’ve got to deal with morons from a position of strength otherwise you’ll just end up in an encounter group & who really wants to go there? You know, when the Dynamic Duo were tied up & left to be slowly lowered into a vat of bubbling slime while that smarmy clown in green tights started off his spiel with “Riddle me this…” did they want to sit down in a circle & talk about their feelings? No, they had already taken their “anti-tied up” pills, freed themselves & began to whoop Riddler-ass before the Penguin could quack or the Joker could get one guffaw out. When Goldfinger smarmily responded to James Bond’s question of “do you expect me to talk Goldfinger?” with “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” what did Bond do? No, not a hypnosis session to help him get along with others. He shoved that clown out of a jet’s shot-out window at 20,000 feet. I expect you to die, Goldfinger! Smarmy clown. So, if you recognize yourself on these pages…if you realize that you are “that” idiot that everyone can’t stand…if you admit to yourself that you’ve got a problem with smarminess, I’ve got one thing to say to you: “shut the f**k up, dumbass!” Now, where did I put that croquet mallet? Harrumph…
No comments:
Post a Comment