Harrumph File #024 07.12.2010_What’s the deal with ducks?

Seriously, do you want this pant-less freak

hanging around your kids' school?

So, what’s the deal with ducks?  I mean, come on, have you ever really looked at these things?  Huge, slimy, webbed feet…probably something the French would be interested in eating; that weird, snapping beak that no other respectable bird would be caught dead wearing; no visible ears?  I mean, come on!  If that’s not proof that God has a sense of humor, I don’t know what is.  I dunno, the only other explanation I can come up with is that they’re the left-over refuse from some evil Chinese experiment gone wrong…horribly wrong.  And how about the simple fact that you can’t understand a word they say.  Oh ok, maybe you can understand some of the things Daffy says but you have to endure that incessant spitting… eeewww!  And, I defy anyone to translate a single word that Donald spouts…pretty much impossible.  And what about the fact that all ducks seem to have an evil personality?  Just check out Daffy in “Rabbit Seasoning” or any Donald short.  Speaking of shorts, just what the hell is up with Donald?  Ummm, a Navy uniform minus the trousers?  I mean I know it’s hard to separate the men from the boys (literally) in the Navy, but what a pervert!  For God’s sake man, children watch your cartoons! Put some damn pants on!  Ohhhh…what to do, what to do?  Well, there can only be one answer: total war.  Yes, total war against duckdom.  No half measures here.  We must protect the children from these evil, quasi-Chinese (ever heard of Peking Duck? Um-hmm,) quacking perverts.  Yes, I know Donald fought the Nazis back in WW2 and Daffy is a staunch anti-communist but we cannot mask their present abhorrent behavior with their past glories.  Begin with the air war-the perfect arena to prove the worth of the F-22.  Once we have established complete air dominance we can move on with the ground war.  Yes, it may be a hard row to hoe…we will take casualties.  But, we must make the sacrifice now so that our children and grandchildren may play free from the threat of duck perversions.  You know what Daffy?  I don’t care if it is fiddler crab season, the laser sights and crosshairs will find you.  Now, if I can just find a duck costume big enough to stuff that smarmy Alex Trebek in before the bombing begins…Harrumph…