Harrumph File #004 2.22.2010_ Change the National Anthem

The flag that flew over Fort McHenry

Like most Americans…ok, like some…well, like a few Americans, I’ve been watching the winter Olympics recently up in Vancouver and something has come to mind that I’ve pondered before.  No, it’s not the latest evil Chinese plot to surreptitiously swap worthless, spray-painted, lead-based medals for the real gold ones. It has to do with changing our national anthem.  Now, I’m the first to say that “The Star-Spangled Banner” has served its purpose well over the last 80 years (It was officially adopted in 1931) but maybe it’s time for a change.  After all, a 2004 survey shows that 2 out of 3 Americans don’t even know the words!  It’s kind of pathetic to hear fellow citizens singing things like “And the rockets’ red glare, the…rockets…in…the air…” and stuff like that.  Do Americans even know what “ramparts” are? Has anyone under 30 ever used the word “o’er?”  Sadly, probably not. When you get down to it our anthem is very similar to other nations’ anthems.  Take the French, for example.  Part of their anthem goes: “To arms, citizens, Form your battalions, Let's march, let's march! May an impure blood Water our furrows!” Wow, what did that ever get them…a victory at Waterloo? An impregnable defense against the invading German hordes? No, I don’t think so.  And how about those Germans? I quote: “Germany, Germany above all, Above all in the world…blah, blah, blah…”  Jeeze, don’t they know we kicked their Naz…well, we kicked their…butts twice last century?  Don’t think their anthem helped out any.  How about our friends the English?  “God save the Queen. O Lord, our God arise, Scatter her enemies…”  Yeah, God better save the Queen because the last time England was a world power they were using wooden ships.  Ok, so we have a choice.  Do we want to go down the same old path that leads to third-worldism like those other countries (in which case you had better start learning the words to the evil Chinese national anthem!) or do we want to break out and lead the world into a new era of cool national anthems?  Yes, COOL national anthems.  Personally, I am in favor of adopting the opening to the 80’s TV show “The A-Team” as our new national song (complete with original commentary.)  However, I know many of you out there probably don’t even know who The A-Team were (I hang my head in sadness for you) so I have come up with the ultimate national anthem!  This theme will serve our purposes well…it will impress & intimidate our opponents!  It will be instantly recognizable to everyone in the entire world, even those in the deepest recesses of Africa or the most unexplored areas of Siberia!  Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if aliens from outside our galaxy would prick their ears up (if they have any) upon hearing the new, improved, National Anthem of the United States of America…cue the music…The Theme to INDIANA JONES!  Yes, you know it…da da da da…da da da…No words to trip over, everyone is familiar with it…and just think of it playing at the Olympics when Old Glory (that’s our flag for anyone younger than 40) is raised to honor our athletes upon their glorious victories over the evil Chinese (and others…) DA DA DA DA…DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA…DA DA DA DA DAAAA…Harrumph!!!!!!