Ok, I’m probably going to get raked over the coals on this one but someone’s got to say it. After all, do you know what the number one complaint that air travelers have? What is it that you dislike most about going to a movie theater? What can ruin the most intimate, romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant? What is the most vile and despicable of all evil Chinese plots? Nope, it’s not zombies, it’s crying babies. I mean, who really wants their senses assaulted by these screeching, fidgeting, smelly creatures?? Ya, I thought so…nobody. Now, before you start composing your hate e-mails you need to know that I’ve got 4 children of my own so I know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen the stares, the shaking heads, yes even the “harrumphs” from people in line at public events. For those of you that have babies this doesn’t have to be your fate. I mean, think of the alternatives. You can enhance my experiences in public just by being more considerate. Stay home with your colicky creation. After all, I didn’t ask you to have children and, let’s be honest here…most people shouldn’t be trusted to take care of a chia pet much less a real human being. Ok, if you’ve already got screaming, drooling mini-humans have you ever heard of baby-sitters? This is a win-win situation. You get a couple of hours peace & quiet and some pimply teenager gets a few bucks to blow at the neighborhood Indian casino (Jeeze, there’s as many of those as there are Starbucks now.) More importantly, I don’t have to listen to your shrieking kid while I choke down the latest Outback special. How about orphanages? Yes, you heard correctly…orphanages. Before you dismiss this idea out of hand think about it. I mean, some of America’s most successful people were orphans. Lil orphan Annie did pretty well way back when. Why do you think they called it “The Roarin’ 20’s?” Lots of adventures…damn, she even had a dog. Amelia Earhart…pretty famous. Lots of success…well, until some Japanese Zero blew her out of the sky over the Pacific. Didn’t know she was an orphan? Well, ok I can’t prove that she was an orphan but the fact remains that for all we know she could have been… All right, enough of this. The one thing that you should take away from this Harrumph File is the simple fact that I don’t want to be bothered by your screaming, stinky, salivating baby. So, do what you have to do. Give it a pacifier, take it out of the restaurant or pop out a boob and feed the dang thing. Believe me, I won’t mind. Harrumph…
No comments:
Post a Comment