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| What to do with the "killer" whale? |
Ok, you’ve all heard about the “killer” whale incident where an orca named “Tilikum” killed its trainer. Very sad…we observe a moment of silence…Now, the only thing that remains is the question of what to do with the whale (Actually orcas are part of the dolphin family, but who really cares?) Of course, I have the answer. There are four different paths this story can take. First, Tilikum can be released into the wild, free at last to swim and enjoy life in the deep blue sea…and perhaps to communicate with his fellow killer whales about this great, new, tasty stuff he tried while in the pen. For years we’ve heard about the intelligence of whales…heck there was even a Star Trek movie about whales being inter-stellar space travelers (Yeah, right. How do you push the phaser button when you don’t have fingers?) With whales able to communicate over vast distances with their songs it would only be a matter of weeks…nay, days before swimmers were being served up as the main course for orcas worldwide. Clearly this dangerous (and hungry) animal can’t be released (Just look at his name, Tilikum…with the letters kind of re-arranged…It kil um… hmmm, maybe someone should’ve noticed that before.) The second choice is to continue to let Tilikum perform for crowds and eat the occasional trainer or homeless man who falls into the tank. One word: tacky. Besides, we’re Americans…when faced with a crisis we don’t do nothing, we do something…anything. Ok, the third option is to keep Tilikum locked away, confined to a tank by himself in order to keep any future tragedies from occurring. This would be rather cruel and unusual and since we seem to be in the mood of conferring constitutional rights on anyone we can, why not whales? Well, that leaves option number four…yes, option four. You know what it is, you knew it was coming…we must *cringe* eliminate this threat to our very existence. But the question is…how? Of course, I have the answer. Hold an auction. Turn this into a public relations bonanza! Put it on Ebay! Whoever wins gets to go into the tank and harpoon that sucker like good ‘ol Cap’n Ahab! Imagine the dollars this can generate! Heck, they can turn the whole thing into a huge circus. Televise it! Anticipate the cool and groundbreaking beer and car commercials! The greatest half-time show in history! And, after the “deed” is done the winner gets to stuff & display Tilikum like they used to do with game fish back in the sixties. Well, ok that would probably be too big for the normal living room so how about just stuffing & displaying the head? Imagine that…your friends come over for poker night & there you are…with your orca head…that you single-handedly fought & harpooned… “That’s right, I’m bad. Umm-hmm.” The rest of the carcass they can sell to some evil Chinese company to turn into a million doses of “love potion #9!” Harrumph…
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