I’ve been thinking of something for quite a while. This is something I’ve pondered while commuting an hour to and from work. Driving along, looking out at the green hills of the countryside, well before you enter the crowded, polluted city where I work, you see a number of animals, both wild & domesticated, doing their animal thing…usually oblivious to all the people doing their people thing (also oblivious to the animals…doing their animal thing…) Hawks out hunting small game & getting caught in the blades of the windmills lining the hilltops. Squirrels gathering their nuts & twigs and hiding them away (probably won’t remember where half of them are a minute later.) Horses running along fence lines on their way to the glue factory. Even the occasional snake sunning itself on a side road…until a truck comes by & splits it in two. Never noticed these things? Well, neither have I, but I have noticed one thing: cows. Yep, cows. Dozens of ‘em…heck, herds of ‘em…walking this way & that…grazing here or there. Jeeze, they don’t even know where they’re at or where they’re going. Doesn’t really matter, they’ll all end up as hamburgers at Mickey D’s or Jack-In-The-Crack one day anyway. That’s not what I’m getting at though. The thing that amazes me about cows, and this is amazing, is the fact that in the 20 years I’ve driven past them I’ve never seen one…not even one cow slip & fall down a hill! What the heck is going on here? These cows are grazing on 50 degree slopes! Did someone (maybe the evil Chinese…) cross breed cows with mountain goats or something when we weren’t looking??? Are they some kind of weird, evil robot cows that have microprocessors for brains (no doubt plotting our demise)? And not only grazing, but running along…on these hills…and not one single misstep? Come on, what are the odds? I’m sure that the only person who could answer that is that crummy Alex Trebek (don’t forget to phase your answer in the form of a question…how dumb!) In the last 20 years I’ve seen like, a million (ok, maybe not a million but almost a million) people slip & stumble just walking down the street! And these cows have the audacity to run on a hillside…not one misplaced hoof. I dunno, something’s just plain wrong with that. It’s not like I’ll just glance over and notice cows every once in a while either, I’ve looked for this…no, I’ve hoped for this. Just once in my life I want to see a dang cow take a bad step & tumble down that 50 degree slope! Legs going this way & that, a loud “mooooo” echoing down the valley, the other cows turning & looking at their hapless herd mate on his long tumble to oblivion…all with looks of horror on their faces (or maybe grins…I mean, have you ever seen those funny video shows and not laughed?) Oh come on, don’t give me that false look of disapproval. I’ve already told you where these guys are ending up anyway…on the plate in your favorite restaurant. Or, if you’re one of those weird vegetarian creatures just think of it as one less cow to fart, thus not depleting your precious O-zone (comets and asteroids go through O-zone anyway so who cares?) Harrumph…
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