And so there I am…it’s 3 in the morning…thunder & lightning outside…I’ve woken up in a cold sweat…yes, I’ve had “that” dream again…clowns were after me. I’m sure everyone has experienced this particular sense of horror. The bloated, red nose. Horrid, disorienting, multi-colored uniforms of death. Gigantic feet ready to stomp you into dust. The disgusting, vile bad breath that is the hallmark of the evil clown getting closer and closer…Sound familiar? I’m sure it does. Clowns have haunted our existence for thousands of years. Parents have put their children through the horror of clown exposure for countless generations. Remember when you were 5 years old and your mom & dad said they were taking you to the circus? “We’ll see elephants and tightrope walkers, monkeys and lion-tamers!” Not one word about those wretched creatures that show up in a wildly painted ’62 Volkswagen beetle…you think, “hmmm, this could be interesting.” Then, 20 of these “things” pile out and begin to…there’s only one word for it…“assault” the first few rows of spectators. Kids screaming and clawing their way behind parents. Moms consoling their children as if they’ve just been attacked by wild dogs. Fathers telling their sons to “man up, it’s only a clown.” It’s only a clown…well, that’s the rub, huh? In fact, that’s the disconnect here. That’s what I don’t get about clowns. All parents were children once. Children that were, at some point, afraid of clowns. And yet, every year, these same parents who were/are afraid of clowns have them invade birthday parties or expose their children to them at circuses. There’s only one explanation for this. Clowns are evil. Clowns must use some kind of ancient evil Chinese-inspired oobie-doobie magic or witchcraft to mask their wickedness from adult minds. If you doubt this just look at this list of former clowns: Maximilien Robespierre, who led the French reign of terror and it’s infatuation with the guillotine, started out as a court jester. Josef Stalin, murderer of millions, first job was as a clown in the Moscow circus. After Hitler failed as a painter what do you think he did with all that leftover paint? Well, you know the Germans don’t like to waste anything…yep, clowned at children’s parties for a year before terrorizing the rest of the world. Jack the ripper & the Zodiac killer? Both probably clowns at one point in their lives.* And check this out. Take the name “Hitler” and the word “clown.” Notice anything familiar? Sure enough, if you re-arrange the letters and spell it backwards…maybe add or take away some letters…they’re the same. Proof positive clowns are evil. Oh, and who did the brave & noble Adam West fight on TV week after week as “Batman?” Nah, forget about that weird non-Canadian flightless bird guy and psycho catwoman (meow!…And just what is a “riddler” anyway?…freak.) Yes, it was the “Joker” that ran the show…that pulled the strings of the rest of those so-called “super-villains.” Without him all you’ve got are a bunch of also-rans. In fact, I’m convinced it was his roll as the “Joker” in the movies that killed Heath Ledger in 2008. There’s not much that can stand up to clown magic. As usual, I’ve got a plan for an appropriate response. As we begin to withdraw troops from the combat areas in Afghanistan and Iraq we can re-deploy them to the real front. Right here, in the homeland, we face the ultimate threat of clown invasion. Yes, it will take deploying our most elite and toughest warriors. An around-the-clock campaign of “shock & awe” to defeat these soulless creatures. We must be prepared. We must be strong. We must be willing, for this will be the decisive battle against a relentless, hardened enemy. An enemy that hates us and our way of life. But, we have the resources. We have the weapons. We have the soldiers to finish the job. Oh yeah, you won’t think it’s very funny when the 82nd airborne drops in your lap one day, huh, Mr. Clown? And you mimes over there in Paris? Yeah, just sit there on the street, trapped in your imaginary box. We’ve got some silent death heading your way too. Harrumph…
* The aforementioned list may not be factually correct.
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