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| THIS IS AN OFFICIAL HARRUMPH FILES ALERT!!! |
ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION! THIS IS AN OFFICIAL HARRUMPH FILES ALERT! INVASION!!! Sound the Civil Defense alarms! Our borders are being overrun by illegals and the Border Patrol is doing nothing about it!!
People, arm yourselves and form your militia units, we’re marching to the border!!! Recently, there have been several instances of grizzly bears crossing the border from (where else?) Canada, and attacking hikers and campers on the trails and in their tents. Outrageous!!!…OUTRAGEOUS!!!!! Yes, I kid you not; grizzly bears are actually running amok and attacking people in the lower 48! Now, I thought that we had, by the 1970’s, pushed those slobbering, yellow-eyed, man-killing menaces back to Alaska, where they belong. But noooo, apparently they have decided to test our northern border defenses (probably with help from those evil Chinese) while attention is focused on the millions of illegals (of another kind) waltzing across our southern border into the open arms of gibbering, slobbering “progressives,” distributing counterfeit green cards, pre-printed stimulus checks, and welcome baskets. Anyway, check this out: there’s this bear in Tokyo, or maybe Beijing (really, what’s the difference… to a cruise missile… muahahahaha!!!) that has learned to use a ninja stick! Yeah, it’s true! I’ve seen this bear with my own eyes* sitting in his enclosure twirling a ninja staff around like a pro (or Jackie Chan.) Ummm, hello? Bears are arming themselves now? WTF? I even heard that thousands of “Mama grizzlies” are going to be marching on Washington D.C. this November. WHA? They’re organized? Dang, imagine that…thousands of pissed off, hungry grizzlies roaming the mall, eating tourists they capture on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial while…(rustling from off camera…more rustling…“I’m sorry, what was that?” *mumbling* “Yeah, mama grizzlies…wha? Just some political speech? Ummmmm…yeah, I knew that…I knew ‘cause it was a silly idea anyway…I mean, just think of the transportation problems…thousands of traveling grizzly bears would require like 10 Amtrak trains & stuff…”) OK, so they might not be eating the politicians in D.C. (probably make them vomit anyway…) no matter how much we might want them to. But they ARE ripping into the tents of ordinary citizens and devouring them. What the heck is going on around here? Can’t we divert a couple of predator drones or maybe an Apache attack helicopter and teach these bears to keep their stinking paws off of our pick-a-nic baskets? I saw how Ranger Smith took care of that meddling Yogi by enlisting Peter Griffin to quietly stick that knife in his back. Yeah, “smarter than the ‘av-er-age’ bear,” huh? I don’t think so, Yogi. Maybe it’s time we started eating bears for a change, huh? I mean, check this out: over at Panda Express there ain’t one single panda dish on the menu! Yeah, they got some tasty chicken & shrimp over there but I want some panda! Sweet & Sour Panda… General Tso’s Panda… Panda mu shu gu shu… I don’t really care, I just want some panda. We’re making a statement here. Speaking of making a statement, I’ve heard (through my contacts in the National Park Service) that even Smokey the Bear is going “gangsta.” Remember the 1970’s commercial about pollution with the crying Indian? You know, he wasn’t really crying because of pollution. He was actually sad because he didn’t get in on the ground floor of that new casino they’re building over on Maple Street (or, as the native Americans used to call it: “Maple Street.”) Well, I think there was a concurrent ad with a crying Smokey…standing there in a burnt out forest…maybe a baby deer ran by with a rabbit & skunk in tow, I dunno. Anyway, the new Smokey the Bear ads are a little different. I’ve seen the test footage.** Imagine, if you will, Smokey the Bear standing in that same burnt out forest, but this time there’s no baby deer, no rabbit or cute skunk. No, just a guy standing next to Smokey…could be anybody…still holding the butt of the cigarette that caused it all between his fingers. Smokey turns to him, grabs him by the neck and, as his blood begins to boil & his breath begins to melt the offenders’ face, says: “I thought I told you that only YOU can prevent wildfires, asshole! Didn’t you hear me? DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME?!!!!” It gets kind of weird after that… yucky blood splatters…bone crunching noises…ear-splitting screams as Smokey says something like: “Now stand still while I eat your spleen…” Dang…bears…commie, Chinese-inspired, hungry, pissed-off, ninja bears. “Surely, you can’t be serious,” you say? Well, I am serious…and don’t call me “Shirley.” Harrumph…
* Not actually seen with own eyes.
** Not necessarily factually correct.
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