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| "Know your land, know your prey." |
Ok, so you all know that Canada is one of the Harrumph Files’ favorite targets. I’ve taken many shots at our northern neighbors even while enduring the looks, comments and, yes, even harrumphs of Canadian-harboring Americans whose loyalty I am now forced to question. Anyway, in order to placate those Americans out there that actually know the words to “Oh, Canada” I’ve decided to take a fresh look at the Dominion and try to accentuate the positive, eh? So, let’s begin. Here are some of the good things about Canada that I like best. *crickets chirping* Hmmm…well, this might be a little more difficult than I thought. Canada…good…Canada…good…hmmm…no I just don’t think there’s anything…no, wait, here’s something good about Canada: Canada’s so big that it forms a natural time buffer in case we ever face the threat of incoming nuclear warheads from over the North Pole. Yes, Canada will give our citizens the time necessary to “duck & cover” properly and our Air Force time enough to turn those missile keys and obliterate our nuclear enemies! Thanks Canada! Ummm, here’s another good reason for Canada’s existence: If it wasn’t for Canada maybe the French who settled in Quebec would’ve actually landed on our east coast & then we’d have to deal with another messed up state like Louisiana! I mean, imagine a Cajun Maryland or Delaware…eeewww! Thanks Canada! Hey, if you’re sitting next to that smarmy Canadian couple from Harrumph File #13 when your airliner is hijacked you can probably give them a quick elbow to the face, thus knocking them out & switch your passports! That way, when the terrorists start cutting heads off (American, of course) yours will be sitting pretty behind your newly adopted county of Canada and those smarmy clowns from Saskatchewan will be the ones loosing theirs! Thanks again, Canada! And what about our soldiers sharing assignments with Canadian soldiers at Cheyenne Mountain? Well, I hear that Canadians make one helluva good cup of coffee, so, ‘thanks Canada’ for providing our warriors with coffee ‘n stuff while our guys do the actual fighting! But, beyond these things that make Canada great (man that’s hard to say with a straight face!) there’s one thing that stands out as the best of Canada. The one thing that allows me to tolerate their very existence… MANTRACKER. Oh yeah, this TV show is better than McHale’s Navy, Baa Baa Black Sheep & Hogan’s Heroes COMBINED! It’s an outdoor reality show where the mantracker, a cowboy from Alberta, who has 25 years of experience in search & rescue, tracks and attempts to capture a team of two people (the “prey”) before they can get to the finish line. As the mantracker says: “Know your land, know your prey.” The prey get a compass, a map and a head start to the finish line, usually 25 miles away. The mantracker, assisted by a local “sidekick” who knows the terrain, has to observe the start flare, get to the start point, find tracks, and set off on horseback in search of his prey. The prey have 36 hours to hump their gear across mountains, rivers, grasslands, and even a few populated areas, all the while looking over their shoulders hoping the mantracker isn’t riding them down in a torrent of hooves and horse breath! This show is great! People try to outwit the mantracker by leaving false trails, wearing bags over their shoes, or sometimes leaving booby-traps or notes to tweak him. What button heads! Anyway, this show is the saving grace for Canada. A show without that smarmy Alex Trebek smirking when he tells a contestant “noooo, I’m sorry but you didn’t frame the answer in the form of a question, you lose.” No evil Chinese genius plotting the downfall of western civilization only to be stopped at the last minute by Dr. Quest’s knowledge of the dead language of “Hallakese,” Race Bannon’s incredible marksmanship, Hadji’s weird, Indian mystical powers and Johnny’s spunky dog, Bandit (Can’t someone stop that incessant barking?) No dynamic duo beating the tar out of strange, worthless petty criminals whose only crime was purchasing their costume at “The Men’s Wearhouse,” yes even the top hat, cigarette holder and umbrella. So thank you, Canada. Thank you for MANTRACKER, the one show on TV that’s worth watching. Of course, if we had invented this show in the U.S. we would’ve equipped the mantracker and “sidekick” with real six-guns…BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Oh yeah, now that would be the show to watch! Harrumph…
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