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| Oh....Canada... |
I have been informed that I should put this Harrumph off for a couple of weeks. I’ve been told that Canada has taken enough heat from me recently for not having any wild penguins…yes, I said wild penguins. I have modified my stance for those of you that see everything in black & white and have said to me (in a rather smarmy tone, mind you) “There are penguins in Canada, they’re in zoos.” etc. etc. *sigh* So there, no wild penguins in Canada…happy now, Cheryl? I say again, the main reason that Canada sucks is that there are no wild penguins within their frozen confines. I’ll spare you the details of the evil Chinese plot to repopulate Canada by parachuting regiments of penguins into the Yukon by using old C-47s from Guatemala…wait a minute…that’s my evil plot…Hmmm, let’s reset, shall we? Ok, so I’ve been told to lighten up on our neighbors to the north, but most of you know that ever since childhood I’ve subscribed to General Patton’s three axioms of modern warfare: kick ‘em hard, kick ‘em often & kick ‘em in the balls! Well, ok, General Patton never said that and we know that Canadians have no balls but that won’t stop me from implementing the first two rules whenever I can. So what else, besides having no wild penguins, makes Canada suck? Well, half of ‘em think they’re French. You know, we all can agree that there’s just something fundamentally wrong with wanting to be French. I mean, eeewwww. What else? Oh yeah, how about hiding behind our nuclear shield for 65 years free of charge? They say that Canadian military personnel help staff our nuclear command & control facilities at places like Cheyenne Mountain and various radar and support sites, that we’re one “integrated” team. Hmmm, no Canadians in the bunkers with the missiles though…guess when you get right down to it we just don’t trust our “ally” to turn the missile key when push comes to shove. And, you know, let’s face it…those other Canadian soldiers staffing Cheyenne Mountain are probably only there to get our guys cups of coffee & stuff. Jeeze…Canadians. Hey, when we invaded Normandy in World War II there were 3 beaches where the British & Canadian armies landed. Which one do you think the British assigned to the Canadians? Yep, the middle one…’cause even those smarmy British bastards know that you can’t trust a Canadian to hold a flank. Another reason Canada sucks? How about this one: Canadians are just “wanna-be” Americans. They dress like us. They speak our language (well, most of ‘em do.) They fly our airplanes and drive our cars. They use our nuclear shield for their protection and take none of the risk or cost. Most people couldn’t tell the difference between someone from Minnesota and someone from Manitoba…you just can’t. About the only time that Canadians want to distinguish themselves from us is when the plane they’re flying on is taken over by terrorists. You know, when those nutty, extremist thugs are walking up & down the aisle, looking for an American head to cut off, it’ll be those Canadians over on seats 3A & 3B that’ll jump up, holding their precious Canadian passports, and rat you out. Oh yeah. And what about this: back during the Vietnam War it was Canada that took in our cowards. What kind of country takes in a bunch of flower-wearing cowards? I mean, where would the U.S.A. be if we had accepted the Statue of Liberty with an inscription that read “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door! Oh yeah, send me your cowards too." No, it just doesn’t “sing.” However, I’m sure that somewhere in the frozen north there’s a seldom-visited, weather-worn bronze statue of a Canadian Mountie with an inscription that reads something like this: “Give me a beer, a moose and a huddled squaw. Throw the refuse out the back window. Send me some bacon for I lift my lamp in search of the outhouse door. Oh yeah, send us your draft-dodgers and other cowards too, eh?” Jeeze…Canadians…Harrumph…
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