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| How can something so delicious be so wrong? |
Ok, I’ve got to get something off my chest. This particular item has been stabbing at my soul for a while. Ok, maybe just a little while (like, since breakfast,) but that doesn’t detract from the seriousness of this issue. We need to do something about cantaloupes and we need to do something now. Yes, you heard me right, cantaloupes. Think about it: CANTaloupe. I mean, we’re Americans here, we don’t dwell on things that can’t be done. We DO things here. After all, this isn’t France. You know, The “Rat Pack” wouldn’t have been caught dead eating cantaloupes. There ain’t no “can’t” as far as The Rat Pack goes. Therefore, I am starting a movement right here, right now. These juicy, delicious melons should be renamed CANaloupes here in the U.S. Let France do whatever they want, no one cares about them anyway (Well, ok, no one besides the Germans…they seem to care about what happens to everyone…The Germans…) And check this out: What about honeydew melons? You know, they aren’t called honeydon’ts for a reason. How about cantaloupes take an example from them? Jeeze…cantaloupes. I had heard that that crummy Alex Trebek was responsible for naming cantaloupes, but after researching the subject on the CIA fact book (and Wikepedia*) I discovered that cantaloupes have been around for a lot longer than that crummy, smarmy game show host (but not his ancestors…hmmm…) European cantaloupes are the original offenders here. Hmmm…just where in Europe could they have originated in conjunction with that smarmy Alex Trebeks’ ancestors? There can only be one answer: France. Yes, I’m sure it was someone named “Le Trebek,” probably a mime, that originally named them cantaloupes. It all makes sense. France sucks. Alex Trebek sucks. China sucks. The only thing that doesn’t suck here are the canaloupes themselves. Mmmmm… canaloupes… mmmmm. So what can be done to rectify this problem? I must begin this next segment with an apology for those of you that are, well, more sensitive than I. The answer is, of course, bomb France now. Yes, bomb them, ‘round the clock…night & day…B-1’s, B-2’s, B-52’s and anything else you can strap a cluster bomb unit on. Except, here’s the key: fill the cluster bomb units with North American Cantaloupes! We can pelt those smarmy cousins of that evil Alex Trebek with our own “smart-melons” just like the French soldiers did against King Arthur in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail!” We can even drop leaflets with the very same taunts that the Frenchmen used: “You empty headed animal food trough wiper.” “I fart in your general direction.” “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” Frenchmen…Jeeze, might as well be evil Chinese Warlords and you know how I feel about those evil Chinese. Harrumph…
*Subject not actually researched.
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