Pasteur, Einstein, Hawking, Edison, Tesla…great scientists, all. Great discoverers of the inner workings of the fabric of the universe. Dreamers…thinkers…“do”ers. Yes, you may all learn from them, respect them, even emulate them…but can you think like them? Do you have the innate ability to “crack” the cosmic code, revealing the epiphany inside, just waiting to be discovered by the most curious of our species? Sadly, no. Most of you are content to continue your daily toil, waiting…nay, praying for 5 o’clock to roll around so that you can put the cover on your computer, jump into your leased Lexus and meet your fellow cubiclites down at Chotchkie’s, or Flinger’s and complain about the latest Lumberghism. What ever happened to the dreamers? What ever happened to capturing the infinite? Well, those men that I mentioned earlier understood it and I understand it too. Now, I’m not talking about mundane things like my discovery on how to make lightsabers work...that theory is actually very simple when you look at it (just have to make sure those evil red Chinese generals don’t perfect it first.) In fact I’m sure that, once revealed, what I’m about to tell you will far surpass anything that Pasteur & company ever came up with. I mean, check out Einstein: there’s a speed limit to how fast things can move in the universe…the speed of light. Yeah, right. If that were true then explain Star Trek, brainiac. Oh, and how about Hawking? Being a genius hasn’t helped Mr. Smarty get out of that chair of his…(*muffled voice from off-page*…Wha? What was that? *muffled voice again*…Lou Gehrig's disease? You mean he…that it’s not…crippled, you say? Huh…I never made the connection.) Well, um, that’s embarrassing. Anyway, if we can just move along…what I’ve discovered is more important than everything those guys came up with put together. It came to me while listening to a song a little while ago. Actually, I didn’t even make the initial discovery. We have a group of four musicians from Minnesota to thank for the ultimate discovery of the universe…the answer to everything that we have overlooked even though they presented it to us back in 1964. Yes, the “Trashmen” were right…the bird IS the word. There’s no doubt about it, everybody’s heard about it…The bird, bird, bird…the bird is the word. It’s the answer to everything & anything. You too will realize this if you just give your weary mind a rest. Let’s say you’re out to lunch with your fellow cubiclites at Flingers: “Hey, what’re you gonna order for lunch?” Answer: “A-well-a bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word.” Oh yeah, everybody knows that the bird is the word! Your boss, Lumbergh, tells you that he wants you to come in on Saturday to finish up those T.P.S. reports? Answer: “Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow.” No, don’t think that Lumbergh will be seeing me on Saturday! That smarmy Alex Trebek reads some Jeopardy answer you don’t have a clue about? Answer (phrased in the form of a question, of course): “Don't you know about the bird? Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word!” Game over, Alex. So there it is. Now you have been empowered. What you do with this new found authority over the time-space continuum is up to you. If you were involved in an evil Red Chinese plot to overthrow the world I might be nervous, but I’m sure that you will use it only for the betterment of mankind…and to blast any aliens that might try to invade. However, I do not recommend listening to “Surfin’ Bird” more that 25 or 30 times in a row… Harrumph…Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow, Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow [repeat to fade]
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