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| The true face of American freedom! |
So, what the hell happened to all the hobos in the world? Now, I’m not talking about the homeless, bums, street people and gypsies. You see, you have to differentiate between the various downtrodden peoples in order to understand them. The homeless are usually families down on their luck. They’re the reason we have shelters. To give these people a helping hand until they can get on their feet. Bums, well they’re those guys with signs that say “will work for food,” & then, when you offer them a day job, come up with a dozen reasons why you should just give them money and move along. Most of ‘em should just carry signs that say, “Help me buy my next bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.” Maybe then I’d feel better about throwing them a quarter…not! Street people are those guys that either paint themselves blue or silver & stand on the corner acting like robots or open up their guitar case and play endless tunes from the ‘70’s, hoping people drop their spare change in exchange for them shutting up. And gypsies? Well they’re just…gypsies. I think we all know about them. Usually they’re in peasant dress, an earring or two and most of the time have a goat traveling with them. Just lock your doors & you’ll be ok. Hobos, though, are a different breed. These are the guys riding the rails in boxcars, wearing second hand suits with innumerable rips & tears in them, passing out folksy knowledge and singing tunes like “Jimmy crack corn” & such. They are the true spirit of America. Freedom, independence, self-reliance. Now, before you start laughing out there, think about this a minute. You might think that you’re so much better off driving your BMW convertible to your high-paying job downtown & living it up in your 7 bedroom home, watching that 95 inch LCD TV while sipping “Grey Goose” out of a hand-made, silver-etched, crystal glass. But where would you be if, next quarter, that “Too big to fail” company you work for fails? Um-hmm, No BMW, no TV & it’s a bottle of “Mad Dog” for your next birthday…if you’re lucky. How about that hobo out there? He’s happy with an expired can of beans and an old stogie he found in the men’s room at the local gas station. Ahhh…freedom. So this brings us to my initial question. What happened to all the hobos out there? Why is it that you never see “Boxcar Willie” riding the freight trains anymore? I’ve seen plenty of freight trains in my time…not a single hobo sighting. Now, I know that back in the thirties the railroads made a real effort to discourage hoboism. Check out the 1973 classic “Emperor of the North,” starring Lee Marvin as the grizzled hobo “A-No.-1,” who dares to ride the “Number 19,” whose cruel conductor, “Shack” (played by the ever-versatile Ernest Borgnine [never saw the always jovial Commander McHale twist his face into a portrait of evil on PT-73 like he does on the “19” though!]) takes pleasure in “disposing” of freeloading hobos with chains, axes & wrenches…but always with a smile (or is that a grimace?) Anyway, I don’t think that railroads can get away with that kind of stuff nowadays…not with all the rules about civil-rights violations & such. So what happened to those freedom-loving souls then? Well, think about it…who hates freedom out there? No, not George W. Bush…Jeeze will you get over that already? That crummy Alex Trebek? No, he actually loves freedom…the freedom to laugh in your face and make a sarcastic remark about “how much money you actually owe to the show instead of winning it! Hahaha.” Smarmy, crummy Alex Trebek. AARRRGGG!!!! So who’s left? Yep, it’s those evil Chinese. I’m convinced that it’s got to be an evil Chinese plot to stamp out the very foundations of freedom by eliminating every single hobo out there on the rails. They won’t go after the homeless, bums, street people & gypsies because, as I said earlier, they are different than hobos. The Chinese WANT you to see bums. They WANT you to feel bad about the plight of the homeless. They WANT you to pitch quarters in the guitar cases and the empty corn cans of the robot-people. Every quarter you pitch is one more thought in your head that capitalism doesn’t work, that it leaves people behind & that evil Chinese-inspired communism is the only way to go. We must fight this evil plan! We must defeat it before they finally find that last ’Bo, hiding underneath the flatcar stacked with “XINHUA” shipping containers! We must stop the hundreds of Chinese “Shacks” out there, sneaking around wielding wrenches or crowbars, before they strike into the very heart of freedom! “But how,” you say? How can we stop them? What can you do to thwart the evil Chinese before the last fortune cookie is cracked and our fate sealed forever? Take a vacation. Yes, take a vacation. But, leave your car at home. Don’t bother to book a hotel or a flight to your destination. Time to hit the rails, folks. I for one am heading down to the local Salvation Army store for my supplies: A good, second hand coat. A pair of worn-out, wool slacks. Maybe an old fedora they’ve had sitting on the shelf since 1957. Tie up my belongings in a hanky hanging from a stick. Ahhh…freedom. It’s us or them people…stand together…stand tall against the evils of Chinese communism and sing with me! “Old stogies I have found…short, but not too big around…I'm a man of means by no means…King of the road… King of the road… King of the road…” [Fade to black] Harrumph…
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