Statistics & Logistics Division Poll #19 Technology alert!

     Hello everyone, my name is Stan and I’m kinda new here at the Statistics & Logistics division, located on the second level of the HARRUMPH bunker.  I joined HARRUMPH  a few weeks ago because it seems I’m always getting the short end of the stick and, quite frankly, I’m ready for some payback.  Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve always had to play second fiddle; at home, at school, even in the Skull & Bones society.

     You see, my older brother is Satan & boy what a drama queen!  Always looking for attention.  He always got new jeans… I had to wear hand-me-downs.  He got a new car for his sixteenth birthday… I got a computer.  Even in Skull & Bones, he had a real skull… I had to buy a plastic one at Walmart.  Heck, mom & dad even gave him an extra “a” in his name.  He always got the better end of the deal.  I mean, check it out: after we moved out, he becomes the “Prince of Darkness.”  I ended up opening an insurance business in Battle Creek.  No, not even “that” Battle Creek…  my office is in Battle Creek, Iowa, population 800, *sigh.*  Yeah, I know… Loser-ville.  As our town website says: “You can gas up your car or get it repaired; you can have your hair done or open an account at the bank; you can visit the library or even buy a log home.”  Are you kidding me?

     So anyway, it was time for a change and I’m hoping working customer service here in the S & L division is just a start.  I’ve already qualified on the miniature grenade range and I’ve had a couple of close encounters with the gatling gun Roomba one level down.  Who knows, maybe one day I’ll take that second “a” away from my brother & send him to Battle Creek!

Poll #18 Santa Claus alert ends

     We interrupt our normal programming for a special news alert.  As you recall, last week Santa’s sleigh was forced to land at a ChiCom airbase.  The fate of Santa Claus was a mystery until today.  Minutes ago, just after 2 a.m. local time, Shenyang Air Base, People’s Republic of China, Special forces consisting of heavily armed elves began landing via stealth sleigh.  We now go to our embedded reporter via cell phone video link, on the scene:

     “Thank you, this is Oliver South, reporting from Shenyang airbase.  As you can see, elf commando units have secured the air base and surrounding areas.  They have been conducting a systemic search for their commander, Santa Claus, since we landed a few minutes ago.  Let me tell you, these elves are tough and they’ve been trained to a razor’s edge.  As we made our final approach we could see several explosions in the outlying areas as our escorts took out the ChiCom air defense batteries.  Small arms fire is still being heard as they push the perimeter out and we constantly hear the drone of friendly aircraft overhead.  At least 4 ChiCom jets were shot down during the penetration of Chinese airspace… Wait… Wait one… We’re getting word now over our secure portable radio… Yes!  Yes!  Santa has been found!  They’ve found Santa in the basement of the terminal building in the process of being water boarded by ChiCom intelligence agents.  He should be coming up right n… There!  There he is, being escorted aboard a transport sleigh by heavily armed elf commandos!  Once again, the forces of good have defeated the evil ChiCom menace!  It appears that the red Chinese will join the North Koreans on the “naughty” list for this upcoming year.  Now the transport sleigh, bearing Santa away from this terrible place is lifting off, popping flares as it climbs into the night.  We’re getting word now to board our transport, as the commando units begin their withdrawal.  Once again, this is Oliver South, reporting from Shenyang, China.”

Harrumph File #048 12.26.2010_ Twas the day after Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house

Not a package unopened, ‘cept a CD by Strauss.

The stockings still hung, but nobody cared

Emptied of goodies, not a toy they had spared.

The children had worn off their candy cane high,

And now not a head out of bed we did spy.

As we slept well deserved, ‘round a quarter to four,

A noise I did hear out beyond, past the door.

On the front lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

I opened the window, looked out, and swore,

An object, there seemed, just weren’t there before.

It was dinged up & scratched, a wreck I’ll agree,

With a sticker on back that said “Redneck R.V.”

The seat and the floor covered with cans of cheap beer,

It was a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a haggard old driver, who looked like a hick,

I thought for a moment, “this can’t be St. Nick!”

Like a tree full of sloths his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“C’mon, Dasher & Dancer!  Move it, Prancer & Vixen!

On Comet!  On Cupid! Let’s go, Donner & Blitzen!

C’mon all you guys, I know this ain’t fun,

I know you’re all tired, but we’re just about done!”

Then he looked up and spied me gazing out from the pane,

And he yelled out a message, as if to explain.

“Hey you, in the window, have you got a truck?

There’s lots of snow down here, I think this thing’s stuck!”

I threw down the window; it closed with a click,

I dressed, pulled my boots on, and I did it right quick.

Bounding down the stairs quickly, and out the front door,

And as I approached him he let out a roar.

“I was on my way home, I was running on fumes,

When I heard a loud bump, then a crash, and a boom.

So I set her down here, ‘cause I saw back beyond,

That you’ve got a garage right next to your pond.”

“I’ve been driving this thing ‘round the world it seems now,

For a long thousand years, from New York to Macao.

It’s used up and broken, this thing’s a real dump.

Bring your truck from out back, my sleigh needs a jump.”

Confused and confounded I asked ‘bout the deer.

He looked at them sadly, then he said with a sneer.

“They used to be great, but they’re tired and slow,

So I put in an engine, now they’re just there for show.”

He took out some cables from a giant tool case.

He’d done this before, in many a place.

He clipped them on nimbly; he was ready to go,

“Now start that truck up or I’ll call for a tow!”

When I drove my truck ‘round from the back of the house,

He took out a flask from inside of his blouse.

He hooked up the cable and took a long nip,

Then yelled out and laughed, “Now give it a rip!”

The sleigh started up, my truck’s got a diehard,

He closed up the hood, then gave me his card.

It simply read “Santa, North Pole” how quaint,

Quite simple for someone who’s known as a saint.

Then he thanked me and offered a drink from his flask,

A second time certainly, he hadn’t to ask.

Then he mounted his sleigh and he cracked opened a beer,

“Merry Christmas my friend, I’ll see you next year!”

Harrumph…

Security Division Poll #18 Santa Claus alert!

     “We interrupt our regular programming to bring you the following news alert:  As you know, NORAD has been tracking the progress of Santa’s sleigh ever since he departed his North Pole workshop.  He was seen entering Russian airspace near the Kamchatka peninsula where he picked up an escort of two Russian MiG-29’s.  After completing his mission there, he continued on to Sakhalin Island and Japan.  Continuing on, Vladivostok and the Koreas were his next target area.  Reports indicate that he never actually landed in North Korea since they are all, apparently, on the “naughty” list.

     From there, his flight plan indicated a penetration of Chinese airspace near Dalian, on his way to Beijing.  Somewhere near Tianjin, about 20 minutes flight time from the Chinese capital, his sleigh was intercepted and turned away by J-10s of the Chinese air force.  Reports are coming in that he was forced down at an airbase outside of Shenyang, China.  Just what the Chinese intend to do with Santa Claus is a subject for debate.  Some experts say that they intend a show trial, followed by imprisonment, while others believe he may already have been executed.  It is well known that reindeer spleen is a coveted delicacy among the Chinese elite.  Stay tuned to this station for further information.”

Statistics & Logistics division Poll #17 ends, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”

     Once again we would like to introduce Bob, Dr. Seuss’ psychologist to go over this weeks poll results.

     “Ummm… Hello again everyone.  The ah, poll results were rather ummm… decisive.  It ah, seems that no one wanted to hold the Grinch, Cindy Lou Who, or the unnamed mayor of Who… Who… Who-ville responsible for any villainy in the story.  Even though the ah, Grinch started the whole thing and Cindy Lou Who interrupted the ah, Grinch and… and probably spilled the glass of water when she was sent back to bed, and the ah, unnamed mayor of… of Who-ville did allow quite a bit of… of… of noise.  However, the one ummm… bright spot in the poll is that you were unanimous in… in… in condemning Jim Carrey for literarily driving a spike through the ah, heart of such a beloved character.  In fact, one comment we received made it clear that just the sight of Jim Carrey as the Grinch on the DVD cover was enough to make her vomit in the… the… the store.”

Harrumph File #047 12.19.2010_The Grinch ain’t such a bad guy!

     You’ve all seen the classic Christmas story of “How The Grinch Stole Christmas.”  If not, then you’re either a hermit, an angry circus clown, or a communist.  Well, I’m here to tell you:  The Grinch isn’t such a bad guy.  Yes, I know he’s portrayed as an evil curmudgeon, hating the “whos” down in Who-ville.  But, when you get right down to it, all he really wants is a little peace and quiet.  He lives in his cave on top of mount Crumpit with his dog Max… Now, I grant you, Max isn’t as cute as little Pez, but then again, who is?  So anyway, the Grinch doesn’t disturb anyone… he doesn’t require anything from the whos of Who-ville… he doesn’t interfere in their strange rituals.  All he wants is for them to turn down all that noise, noise, noise, noise!  After all, he’s put up with it for fifty-three years!  And what do the whos do down there in Who-ville?  Are they the least bit considerate of the Grinch’s request for quiet?  No, they play their floo-floobers, gah-ginkers, and woo-wonkers!  They dance with jing-tinglers tied on to their heels!  They play noisy games like zoo zitta ka zay.  Have you ever been to a zoo zitta ka zay match?  Well, I’ll tell you one thing, it sure looks like it’s a pretty noisy game to me!  I don’t even want to get into their habit of breaking out their great big electro who-cardio schlook!  So, I ask you, is the Grinch’s request unreasonable?  One quiet year out of fifty-three?  Really…

It's Max! Normal cuteness.

     And, I might add, it really makes no difference whether his shoes were too tight or his head wasn’t screwed on just right or even if his heart was two sizes too small.  After all, I’ve seen people wearing shoes I don’t approve of.  I know for a fact that there are plenty of people out there with their heads screwed on wrong.  And, I’ve met people with no heart at all, much less two sizes too small.  Do we condemn these people based on our own prejudices?  Face it: he’s here, he’s a Grinch, get used to it.  At least he ain’t asking for his own parade (they are rather noisy, don-chya-no?)

     And how about other Christmas characters?  Do they think they’re better than the Grinch?  That they’re the “good guys?”  Come on!  For example, take Santa’s reindeer.  Everyone thinks they’re these noble, self-sacrificing animals helping to bring joy to children around the globe.  Ummm… “All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.  They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.”  Excuse me?  What a bunch of assholes!  Where the heck do they think they are, high school?  And how can Santa just sit by and let them act like that?  And, I don’t want to hear anything from him about “not seeing anything,” or “I just didn’t know.”  Where do you think Rudolph’s bruises came from?  Or his drinking problem?  C’mon, Santa, pay attention to the warning signs!  I guess we shouldn’t expect much from a man who takes toys that don’t fit his “purity” test, labels them “misfits,” and sends them to live on an isolated island in misery.  Ummm, has anyone checked Santa’s arm for an “SS” tattoo?  And why doesn’t he allow his elves to work in any job they want to?  I say, if an elf wants to be a dentist, let him be a dentist!  That damn Santa probably requires them to have “papers” just to travel to the outhouse.

It's Pez! Maximum cuteness!

     Now, what about “Frosty the Snowman?”  I’m sorry, but why are people allowing their children to hang around with a guy who wears a top hat… and nothing else?!  “He led them down the streets of town right to the traffic cop… And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler stop.”  Excuse me, Mr. naked snowman leading children on a romp through town, when a police officer tells you to stop, you stop for more than a “moment.”  That right there is a good reason to issue flame-throwers to cops.  Obviously, he’s still on the run to this very day.

     I don’t even want to talk about “A Charlie Brown Christmas” because everyone knows that “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” is the preeminent Peanuts holiday special.

     So think about giving the Grinch a break this Christmas, folks.  Don’t get so down on him.  It’s not his fault that he’s got to wear old shoes that he’s grown out of, or that he can only afford a cold, isolated cave to live in.  He’s doing the best he can and, after all, he didn’t just steal Christmas (in a single night, mind you!) he brought it back!  He brought all the decorations, he brought all the toys!  He brought the jing-tinglers for the who girls and boys!  He returned all their presents.  And last, but not least.  He, he himself, the Grinch… carved the roast-beast!

     Merry Christmas, everyone!  Harrumph…

Poll # 17 Statistics & Logistics division, Psychology section

This week’s poll is introduced by Dr. Seuss’ psychologist, Bob.

     “Ummm… Hello everyone.  My name is Bob and Doctor Seuss was a patient of mine for, ummm… a number of, ummm… years.  In fact, I remember the first day we met.  My receptionist, Carol, ummm… brought him into my, ummm… office wearing a large red and white top hat, and, ummm… a, ummm… cat suit.  I… I… I… asked him why he was, ummm… wearing a... cat suit and he said that he was a… a… a… cat.  Well, we made quite a bit of progress since that first ummm… meeting and his many ummm… characters have… have… have entertained many families around the… the… globe.  Since Christmas is just around the corner we’ve set up a new poll for you to vote on based on one of his more famous works, ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas.’

Entertainment division poll # 16 ends.

     The Entertainment division would like to, once again, introduce Mortimer Mouse to cover the poll results.

     “First of all, let me tells you this:  I don’t work for no ‘Entertainment division.’  I told youse last time that I done gave that line ‘o work up years ago.  I work down on the loadin’ docks here at the bunker.  I don’t mind totin’ boxes ‘o ammo or rollin’ barrels of 'who knows what' into the storage rooms.  It ain’t exactly the freelance lifestyle I’m used to, and I ain’t found a single drunk to roll, but youse know, it’s a steady paycheck.

     So anyways, here’s them results on the goofiest cartoon out there.  Looks like Donald Duck and Goofy each got two votes.  Pretty respectable for a couple ‘o guys from the neighborhood.  They done good for themselves workin’ for Disney.  Youse know, I think Donny could do even better if he just knocks off the bottle.  Boy, that duck can put a few down.  Trouble is, he’s a mean drunk.  I remember, back in the day, when he used to run with Mick & me.  Well, you knows, we’d roll a few drunks or bust a pinball machine down at Clancy’s for beer money.  Man, after a few that duck would start getting’ in people’s faces… tellin’ ‘em he was the king of Pasadena & stuff.  Didn’t matter who either.  Ladies with babies, old men, kids… Boy, what a maroon.  ‘Course, that was the only time youse could understand him too…

     Then there was ‘ol Goof.  Nicest guy youse ever met.  He’d give ya the hat offa his head if youse wanted.  He never was the same after that dose of radiation he caught watchin’ them atom bomb tests outside of Vegas.  I kept tellin’ him to stay away from there but he just kept goin’ back… like a moth to the flame.  It was almost like a disease, he just loved watchin’ them mushroom clouds.  He’d come back from a weekend at Vegas just a little bit more off each time, if youse know what I means.

     Chip & Dale got no votes at all.  Not surprising, really.  When youse consider just who them chipmunks are.  Oh, youse never heard that story?  Ya, well not many have, since it was quashed after the war.  So, right after Pearl Harbor, Mick got a lot of his friends to do propaganda films for the War Department.  Donny & Goof were there with him, leadin’ the way to victory!  I remember, ‘cause I was workin’ as a gaffer, on set.  Well, one day Mick & I goes over to asks them chipmunks to appear in a couple of films & they start sayin’ how Hitler don’t seem like such a bad guy & maybe we outta stay out of Europe & let England fight there own war, yada, yada.  I couldn’t believe it.  Here was a couple ‘o Nazi chipmunks staring me right in the face!  Well, I did the only thing a red-blooded American mouse could do… I popped one of ‘em right in his Nazi nose!  Well, they took off after that… lived in Argentina for, like 12 years, before they got a presidential pardon from Ike.  Turned out their uncle saved Ike’s life in North Africa & that was his payback.  Yeah?  Well, one of ‘em’s still got that red nose I gave him!

     So the winner is Hillary Clinton with five votes.  Now, I ain’t sayin’ the fix is in, ‘cause I know she’s as goofy as they come, but youse know she ain’t no cartoon at all!  I know she looks like a ‘toon, and she sure acts like a ‘toon, but what’s up with this?  Personally, I woulda voted for my pal Goofy.  Youse know, who’s the goofiest?  Ummm… Goofy.  Sometimes this job makes me so mad I just gotta pop someones in the kisser…  anyone know where that other chipmunk went?”

Harrumph File #046 12.12.2010_ American Pie Redux

A long, long time ago…

I can still remember

How that mouse used to make me smile.

He knew under the southern sun

That he could make some family fun

And maybe, they’d be happy for a while.

But in December I did shiver

I read the headlines they delivered.

Bad news on the front page;

He finally left the world stage.

I can’t remember if I cried

When I heard he’d ridden his last ride.

But something touched me deep inside,

The day Walt Disney died.

So bye-bye, to that Mickey Mouse guy.

Took my family down to Disneyland

But Tink wouldn’t fly

Them good ‘ol toons were real sad and they cried

Singin’ “today’s the day that innocence died.

Today’s the day that innocence died.”

Did you write the book of man,

And do you believe in Peter Pan,

If your children tell you so?

Do you have faith in Mickey’s goal,

Can Goofy save your mortal soul,

And can you teach me how to do the “Disney stroll?”

Well I know you think it’s pretty grim

The fate of the world rests on the rim.

You should kick off all your cares.

I don’t want to see you glare.

My favorite was old Donald Duck

With a birthday badge and lots of pluck

But I knew I was out of luck

The day Walt Disney died.

I started singin’

“bye-bye, to that Mickey Mouse guy.”

Took my family down to Disneyland

But Tink wouldn’t fly

Them good ‘ol toons were real sad and they cried

Singin’ “today’s the day that innocence died.

Today’s the day that innocence died.”

Now for many years we’ve been on our own

And moss grows fat on the sword & stone,

But that’s not how it used to be.

When Goofy sang for the king and queen,

In a hat he painted a crazy green.

In a voice that came from you and me,

Oh, and while Goofy was singing that,

Young Alice stole his crazy hat.

The courtroom she did dread;

The verdict: “Off with her head”

And while Mickey lost his little spark,

The three caballeros practiced in the park,

And we sang with them in the dark

The day Walt Disney died.

We were singing

“bye-bye, to that Mickey Mouse guy.”

Took my family down to Disneyland

But Tink wouldn’t fly

Them good ‘ol toons were real sad and they cried

Singin’ “today’s the day that innocence died.

Today’s the day that innocence died.”

July turned into a summer swelter

The chipmunks were without any shelter,

The Matterhorn was falling fast

They replaced it with a field of grass

But the people wanted a season pass

With Goofy on the park bench with no hat.

Now half the time there’s no watered zoom

When you want to ride Splash Mountain’s flume.

We wanted to advance,

Oh, but we never got the chance!

‘Cause the bean counters that were concealed

Took Disneyland out to left field.

Did you think we could all be healed

The day Walt Disney died?

We started singing

“bye-bye, to that Mickey Mouse guy.”

Took my family down to Disneyland

But Tink wouldn’t fly

Them good ‘ol toons were real sad and they cried

Singin’ “today’s the day that innocence died.

Today’s the day that innocence died.”

And we were all in one place

A family playground built with grace.

With lots of time to start again

So come on: Jack fly high into the sky!

Jill rides Dumbo in reply

But profits are the devil’s only friend

I watched them count their ill-gotten loot

Wearing their new Armani suits.

No mouse, you could fortell

Could break the dollar’s spell.

And as profits climbed high into the night

To fill us all with fear and fright,

I saw accountants laughing with delight

The day Walt Disney died.

They were singing

“bye-bye, to that Mickey Mouse guy.”

Took my family down to Disneyland

But Tink wouldn’t fly

Them good ‘ol toons were real sad and they cried

Singin’ “today’s the day that innocence died.

Today’s the day that innocence died.”

I met a girl on the canoes

And I asked her for some happy news,

But she just said she felt betrayed.

I rode the trolley past the store

Where Walt had ridden years before,

But the driver said there wouldn’t be a parade.

And on Main Street the children cried

The parents wept with them side by side.

But not a word was spoken;

Walt’s fire truck was broken.

And the three guys who loved to joust

Donald, Goofy, and Mickey Mouse.

They closed up shop and sold the house.

The day Walt Disney died.

And they were singing

“bye-bye, to that Mickey Mouse guy.”

Took my family down to Disneyland

But Tink wouldn’t fly

Them good ‘ol toons were real sad and they cried

Singin’ “today’s the day that innocence died.

Today’s the day that innocence died.”

They were singing

“bye-bye, to that Mickey Mouse guy.”

Took my family down to Disneyland

But Tink wouldn’t fly

Them good ‘ol toons were real sad and they cried

Singin’ “today’s the day that innocence died.

Walt Disney    Dec 5, 1901 - Dec 15, 1966

 We could sure use some Disney magic right about now…

Harrumph…

Entertainment division poll # 16

     “Awright, so youse that is readin’ this probably don’t know who I am, but youse sure know my brother, Mickey Mouse.  You see, my name is Mortimer Mouse & I ain’t no fancy pants like Mickey.  First of all, I love a good stogie.  I don’t wear no fancy little red shorts with gold buttons like Mickey.  And, I ain’t got no steady squeeze like Mickey either.  I wear a derby, a moth-bitten vest & them gloves with no fingers in ‘em.  And, as for company of the fairer type?  Well, youse can rent that down on the corner for a lot cheaper… and, you don’t have to listen to that loud, whinny squeal of hers about comin’ home at midnight, yada, yada.”

     “So, I remember when Mick & I… he used to go by “Mick” before he hit the big time.  Ya, Mick ‘n Mort, what a team we was.  So, anyways, Mick & I went over to Disney’s Burbank studio ‘cause we heard they was havin’ an open casting call.  Well, we went over there together… boy, youse couldn’t separate the two of us back then… we sure had some good times, we did… rollin’ drunks, bustin’ soda pop machines for change & stuff.  So, anyways we went together, kinda like an American Idol thing.  Well, Mr. Disney starts askin’ us some questions & he’s callin’ me “Morty.”  He’s callin’ me this like we’re old pals from the neighborhood or somethin’!  Well, you knows, I start tellin’ him just where he can step off & Mick’s like “Ha ha, knock it off Mort.  Don’t you know this can be a big break for us? Ha ha.”  Always with that little laugh, Mick was.  You know, when he would get kinda nervous.  Well, you knows, when I gets nervous I just gotta pop some smarty ass in the nose.  So, that’s just what I did… I popped that Disney guy right in the kisser.  Then, when I was standin' over him, I gave him the line I like to use when I’m conductin’ “business:”  “Youse ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”  That’s when Disney gives me the same startled look I saw the night before when I rolled a few drunks for spendin’ money.  I thought I’d seen his face somewhere before when we first got there but just couldn’t place it ‘till then.  Well, when he recognized me I took off runnin’ & I ain’t stopped since.  And my brother?  Well, you knows his story.  They became best buds, bought an orange grove in Anaheim, & made a fortune.  And, even though I never did get in on that deal I knows that no matter what happens, there’s a brother somewhere who’ll never refuse me a bowl of soup”

Statistics & Logistics division poll #15 ends.

     Once again, our resident gypsy here at the evil HARRUMPH organization, Madam Geneva, and her goat, have channeled the ghost of Lenin for his take on the poll results.

     “I am Lenin, I speak to you from the worker’s paradise that is the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.  I am Lenin, and I have passed out to the glorious workers in the tractor factories many imaginary loaves of bread that should have been harvested from our glorious collective farms.  I am Lenin, I take no special privileges that a leader in the decadent western world would, were he in my position.  I am Lenin, and I will lead a global revolution of the proletariat against the corruption of capitalism.  I am Lenin, and… Jeeze, I just can’t take this crap anymore.  Ok, I admit it; communism is just a ponzi scheme we used to gain power.  You think I’m eating an imaginary loaf of bread like those “useful fools” in the street?  Ha!  I am Lenin.  I’m chowing down on the best caviar from the Black Sea and enjoying a little brandy… Napoleon, 1804… man, it’s good to be Czar.  Just don’t let any of the proletariat hear that!  Of course, when you get right down to it, being Czar of a frozen wasteland populated by a bunch of dirty vagabonds isn’t exactly the best gig in the world.  In fact, it’s downright depressing.  Imaginary bread lines, tractor shortages, nothing to read except that crap written by Marx, and snow, snow, snow.  *Sigh* And you know what? I think that pimp, Stalin has been plotting stuff behind my back.  Clown isn’t even a real Russian.  You know he’s from Georgia?  Another grape-picking peasant.  *Sigh* All things considered, I wish I’d stayed in Germany.”

Harrumph File #045 12.05.2010_ Watch out for the Germans! (Official Harrumph Files alert…this is not a test.)

     You know, it’s been almost 80 years since the Germans elected their last maniacal leader, Adolf Hitler, the third most evil person ever, right behind #2, Attila the Hun and her most high evilness, Michelle Obama, whom we proved a few months ago, may actually be the Devil.  And so, I must, as a public service, remind everyone… watch out for the Germans!

     You see, they’re just about due for another crazy jaunt into Lunaticville.  Let me put it this way:  The Germans are kind of like a chain smoker trying to quit.  Except it’s not cigarettes they’re smoking… it’s countries.  Like that smoker trying to get off of the cancer sticks, they’ve been real good recently keeping their mitts off of other countries.  But, just underneath the surface, you know she’s just begging for a nicotine fix.  And you know that if that hypothetical ex-smoker ever decides to pick up a menthol again, she’s gonna smoke it right down to the nub.

"Old School" Germans

     You see, the thing you have to realize is that Germany didn’t quit smoking and then throw her cigarettes out after the last spaz attack they had.  Unlike Japan, she kept a pack of emergency smokes on the nightstand in the shape of Leopard tanks.  And, on top of that, she kept going to bars with buddies that still smoked.  Bars in Central Europe, Yugoslavian bars, Lebanese bars, even Afghani bars.  Really, when you’ve got an addictive personality like the Germans (to them, invading other countries is like eating potato chips… you can’t stop at just one!) you’ve got to make a clean break.  I mean, check out their partner in crime in the last brouhaha, Japan – they went from carrying samurai swords to completely abolishing “military” forces.   Well, except for their “self-defense” forces.  But they usually only battle Godzilla, and mostly lose that fight anyway.

"New School" Germans

     You know what though?  Maybe we could use basic German behavior to our advantage.  After all, everyone’s afraid of the Germans.  The Russians… the Poles… the French… yeah, the French most of all.  With all these rogue states, terrorists & ChiComs running around, we could sure use a little help tamping them down.  If that means we’re lighting up a German smoke now and again, so be it.  And, even though the German Chancellor is a chick, I’ll bet she can goose step with the best (or worst) of ‘em!  As we’ve seen before, when German tanks start rolling, about the only thing that can stop them are their own idiotic leaders.  So, as long as we can keep them on our leash, playing our tune, we can channel their natural tendencies to spontaneously invade their neighbors to our aims.  Now, if we can only move Germany closer to Red China.  Harrumph…

Statistics & Logistics division poll #15. Watch out for the Germans!

     The Statistics & Logistics division would like to conduct this week’s poll.  Before we begin we would like to point out that the Statistics & Logistics division is aware that Germany has not started every war, as the question implies.  However, they have started some pretty bad ones, so the EGiC has directed us to issue this poll.  And so, in order for our department head to avoid having his chair (with him attached) fall into a pool of crocodiles at the next Evil Genius board meeting, he decided that we would run with it, as directed.  In order to introduce this week’s poll, we have consulted Madam Geneva, our resident gypsy, and her goat, to channel the ghost of Lenin.

     “I am Lenin, let the collective view me as their savior from the clutches of the evil Czar Nicholas, played so ably by Michael Jayston in his only memorable role in the film 'Nicholas & Alexandra.’  I am Lenin, I would take from each Russian according to his ability… and save it for the proletariat in the back room of my dacha on the shores of the Black Sea.  I am Lenin, I would pass out bread to each Russian, according to his needs… if there was actually bread on the shelves.  I am Lenin, I am better than the evil Czar, for he would take from each and store it in his St. Petersburg residence… and he would not even tell you that he would want to pass out imaginary bread.  I am Lenin, and I will be the George Washington of the new Union of Soviet Socialist Republics… for at least the next seventy years or so.  I am Lenin, and I promise the proletariat that I will govern them with compassion and justice… and that we, the Bolsheviks, will not murder them wholesale, like the Czar… well, unless that pimp, Stalin, somehow gets his bloody hands on the reins of power… Jeeze, what a psycho.  Oh, and the Germans?  Well, they seemed nice… and they gave me a free train ride back to Russia in 1917.”

ChiCom poll #14 results

     “Even though large tracts of China and many old and famous cities have fallen or may fall into the grip of the evil HARRUMPH organization and all the odious apparatus of Evil Genius rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in Manchuria and Mongolia, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air as we carpet-bomb acre after acre of ChiCom infantry, we shall defend our triumphs, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never accept surrender from the evil Chinese hordes.”

     As the victorious HARRUMPH forces continue to take the fight into the very heart of the evil ChiCom menace, the EGiC has decided on a multi-faceted approach to the question posed in this week’s poll.  All slave labor factories will continue to produce bootleg DVD’s and three-dollar Walmart shirts.  Nuclear carpet-bombing has begun at the western border of China, in order to cut off any escape route for ChiCom forces.  The first wave of HARRUMPH-owned P.F. Chang restaurants has already opened and is doing record business.  Finally, a long line has already begun the march into the sea near Shanghai.  To victory, and beyond!

Harrumph File #044 11.28.2010_ChiComs on the run!

To the Congress of Minions of the Harrumph Organization:

Sunday, November 21^st, 2010 - a date which will live in outfamy (the opposite of infamy) - the ChiCom menace was suddenly and deliberately attacked by forces of the Harrumph organization.

The Harrumph organization was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of the ChiComs, was still in conversation with the government and its evil overlords looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.

Indeed, one hour after Harrumph air squadrons had commenced carpet-bombing of the Chinese mainland, the heathen ChiCom ambassador to Harrumph and his colleagues delivered to the office secretary a formal reply to a recent Harrumph message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.  Therefore, we struck.

It will be recorded that the distance of China from the undisclosed Harrumph bunker site makes it obvious that our attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, we deliberately sought to deceive the ChiComs by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.  In this way we used their own unscrupulous methods against them.

The initial attack yesterday on the Chinese mainland has caused severe damage to their slave labor factories. Very many bootleg DVDs were destroyed. In addition, the single ChiCom ballistic missile submarine, the “Ding Dong,” has been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

In September, the Harrumph organization also conquered Singapore.

In September, the Harrumph organization also conquered Australia.

In September, the Harrumph organization also conquered New Zealand.

In November, the Harrumph organization also conquered Malaysia.

In November, the Harrumph organization also conquered Indonesia.

In November, the Harrumph organization also conquered Japan.

We should've let MacArthur finish the job in '51. Harrumph!!!

The Harrumph organization has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of September and November speak for themselves. The minions of the Harrumph organization have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our evil institution.

As Evil Genius in Charge of the Harrumph organization, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.  Always will we remember the character of the onslaught we have begun.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome the forces arrayed against us, the minions and henchmen of the Harrumph organization in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe I interpret the will of the minions and of the henchmen when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the utmost, but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never be used against us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our Harrumph forces - with the unbounding determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.

I ask that the Congress of Minions declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by us on Sunday, November 21^st, a state of war has existed between the Harrumph organization and the evil ChiCom menace.  To victory, and beyond!  Harrumph…

ChiComs defeated by the evil HARRUMPH organization! Poll #14

     It has been said that there are so many Chinese that you could walk the population of China 8 abreast into the sea and never run out.  For that reason, and for the unfortunate wall they built ages ago, an invasion of China has always been problematic.  Well, the evil HARRUMPH organization has solved the riddle to the key to China… carpet-bombing.

     In order to assist the United States in paying off the enormous debt they have accumulated in their pursuit of happiness, HARRUMPH has contracted to use U.S. Air Force B-52 and B-1 squadrons in their air campaign.  By using air assets, HARRUMPH has bypassed the “great” wall of foolishness the Chinese have been relying on for protection for centuries.  Carpet-bombing is also very useful in reducing infantry-heavy ChiCom units.

     In the future, our forces will continue to eradicate the ChiCom menace wherever we find it.  We will use every tool at our disposal; from self-actuating, flame-throwing security units, to autonomous gatling gun equipped Roombas, to parachuting genetically engineered velociraptors behind Chinese lines.  To victory, and beyond!

Research & Development division Poll #13 ends

     Once again, the Research and Development division of the HARRUMPH organization would like to introduce Professor Henry Smith, American citizen:

     “Umm, gut mornink everyvun.  Vee haf zee poll results available for you… hmmm… mmm (*Once again, a kind of a weird, muffled giggle*.)  It zeems people are not very annoyed at digital clocks at all und zey are only zlightly annoyed at people who don’t know vat und analog clock iz or cannot read vun.  But, zey ARE raszer annoyed at people who cannot get to zeir appointments on time!  I qvite agree!  hmmm… mmm.   Vat iz zee use uf organization if zee folk do not follow zee lead uf zee leader und be on time!  ON TIME UND ON TARGET!  (*mumbling from off stage*) hmmm… mmm.   No, I am fine.  I do not need a drink uf vater.  Az I vuz sayink,  it iz up to zee folk.  Zee leadership may set zee policy, but it iz up to zee folk to implement zee plans… hmmm… mmm.   Zey must be in goozeztep… I mean… lockztep… hmmm… mmm… if zey are to be zuczezzful!  If only zee folk had delayed zee Bolsheviks anozer zree or four months I could haf perfected zee gyroscopic mechanizum und actually hit zee Parliament buildink, or maybe efun Buckingham Palaze!…  hmmm… mmm.   Yez, zat would haf brought zee English to zee negotiatink table…”  (*running shoe noises from off stage as they rush the podium*)

     “Thank you, Professor Henry Smith, for your… ummm, unique insight into this week’s poll results.” (*mumbling from off stage*)  “No, just bring him down to his lab and wait for me.”

     “Anyway, thank you for your attention, and, ummm… the professor just wanted me to remind you, ummm… before you go, that he is an American citizen… born in, ummm… Pennsylvania… and has never been to Germany or, ummm… Argentina… ummm… thank you.”

Harrumph File #043 11.21.2010_Whoever invented digital clocks should be flogged (and cash registers that tell you how much change to give)

     Do digital clocks piss you off as much as they piss me off?  Well, probably not because they really piss me off.  And why do they have such an effect on me you might ask?  It’s because you can make a direct link between the rise of digital clocks and the fall of western civilization.

     At one time clocks were not only timepieces, but also virtual works of art.  Some have fetched hundreds of thousands of dollars at auction (true, they’re not ancient Chinese vases but truly, what do ancient Chinese vases really do besides just sit there?  And, if you were to buy one would you actually fill it with water and put some flowers in it, or would you be wary of damaging it with said water and hence just leave it empty, unfulfilled, devoid of life and any sense of real purpose?  After all, the ancient Chinese hag that used to own it two thousand years ago actually used it as a vase, so go ahead and fill it up.  Heck it’s probably just a Nazi fake anyway.  Consult Indiana Jones on that.)

     Anyway, once we graduated from sundials, timepieces really took off.  From mantle clocks to nice pocket watches (which are now the exclusive purview of train enthusiasts and anti-technology hermits) to grandfather clocks to “Big Ben.”  And then “it” happened.  The initial sloping of the inevitable slippery slope into oblivion.  Yes, you know what “it” is… the invention of the digital clock.  The digital clock opened the door to doomsday as assuredly as the ChiComs are evil.  You see, people didn’t have to think about time anymore.  They could just look at a digital display and know instantly that it was “12:09 AM,” then “3:42 AM,” then “4:26 AM,” then finally “6:03 AM” when the alarm goes off (because you could never get that “slow” button on your alarm to work quite right & therefore had to settle for getting close to 6:00 AM with the “fast” button.)

     And so, as people gave up on thinking about time in a folksy, relaxed way (“it’s a quarter to one,” “noontime,” “Nigh on to sunset” & such,) they gave up on math skills in general.  This was accelerated by the digital display cash register.  You see, back in “the day,” when Ritchie got a job in the malt shoppe, he had to figure out how much change to give you when you paid for that 17-cent malt with a quarter.  Nowadays, when you buy your 7 dollar and 85 cent macho grande with extra whipped cream, the guy at the drive-in window doesn’t have to do anything close to real math when you give him that ten-spot, the dang machine says: “$2.15,” how can he screw that up?  Heck, the 15 cents in coin you’re gonna get just goes in the jar for cancer anyway, while you pocket the folding money.

     So, obviously digital clocks are the “singularity”… the “initial datum”… the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.  Digital clocks led to “smart” cash registers, which led to 8 dollar coffees, which led to “The Jersey Shore,” predicted by the Mayans as the final sign of the end times.

     You might also remember that virtually all robots use digital clocks, and the countdown timer to the coming robot revolution that has already started is in fact, a digital clock.

They're coming to get you, Barbara..."

     And, with the rise of evil digital clocks can we really continue to use old-time folksy sayings such as: “half past a monkey’s ass” anymore, or will the person asking you for the time just stare at you like an idiot when you use one… while they buy their 8 dollar macho grande and sit down to another episode of “Jersey?”

     So listen for the “tick-tock… tick-tock… tick-tock…” as we approach the end, folks.  Actually, you won’t hear that sound since digital clocks are silent… yet another way in which their inherent evil properties puts us at a disadvantage.  Harrumph…

Poll #13 by: Research & Development Division

     This week’s poll will be introduced by one of our preeminent scientists here in the undisclosed HARRUMPH bunker site, well-equipped with end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table.  Please welcome Professor Heinrich Von Schmidt… (*mumbling from off stage*)  Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot… (*more mumbling from off stage*)  Don’t worry, noones’s going to recognize… just shush.  Please welcome Professor Henry Smith, American citizen who has never been to Germany… or even anywhere in Europe… or South America.

     “Vell, hallo everyvun.  I vould like to go over ziss veek’s poll for you.  Let me begin by saying that even sough my training is in rocketry, I am also vell conversed in umm… chemical engineering and physics.  hmmm… mmm (*kind of a weird, muffled giggle*.)  Ve started on a project to transmogrify a frog into a Tyrannosaurus rex… umm just to see if ve could actually do it… hmmm… mmm.  And, ve ended up opening some kind uf portal or hole vich vas a vindow into zee future.  So ve had a nice talk vis vun uf my colleagues from tventy sree elefun (*scratches ‘2311’ on chalkboard*) a, umm, Mr. Zoltron… hmmm… mmm.   You see he zays everyvun in zee future goes by only vun name… zumthink to do vis zee popularity of zum people from our time… ummm, I sink he zaid zum of zee names vere ‘Mrs. Gaga’ or zumthink, ummm, ‘Zinbad,’ let’s see anozer vas ‘Opera’ or vas it ‘Oprah,’ and a ‘Mr. T,’ or maybe it vas ‘P.’

     He told us many other sinks about zee future that vere, at times, troubling.  Zay do haf flying cars und vorld-vide cell coverage vis no roaming charges, but it zeems sat zeir robot verkers are not following directions very vell and zeem to be actually organizing.  hmmm… mmm.  Anyvay, Mr. ummm… Provezzor Zoltron saw zee ‘SS’ vatch on my… hmmm… mmm.  I mean zee ‘Rotary Club’ vatch on my wrist und vas very intrigued by zee dial on zee face.  You see, they haf no analog vatches in zee future… zumthink to do vis zee “Idiocracy Zyndrome.”  So ziss leads us to poll number sirteen:

Entertainment Division poll on "B" movie monsters ends

     Hi everyone, Julie, your cruise director here with the poll results for this week!  I’m afraid Captain Stubing…err, I mean the EGiC (sorry, old habits die hard…*sniff*) is rather upset that “The Giant Claw” received no votes at all.  I think he thought it would be a runaway winner.  The next two, “The Creature From the Black Lagoon” and “Zontar” got one vote each.  I mean, “Zontar, the Thing From Venus” I could understand because it probably was more like a “C” or “D” movie.  But, I always thought “Creature” was pretty creepy.  In fact it kinda reminds me of this one time back on the Love Boat.  We were having this big Halloween party on the Lido deck…really crazy…*sniff*  Anyway, I thought I had actually seen the creature crawling over the boat rail onto the deck… I don’t remember anything else until I woke up the next morning between “Gopher” and Isaac… Oh well, everyone makes bad decisions.
     And so the last two, Godzilla & Alan Colmes ended up in a tie.  Well, we here at the HARRUMPH organization hate a tie as much as any pot-smoking, sweater-wearing professor from Berkeley so we went ahead and put both of the names in separate envelopes, mixed them up, & then destroyed one with a flame-thrower.  The one that survived will be crowned “The best “B” movie monster of all time!”  The envelope please… And the winner is… Alan Colmes!!!!  Congratulations!  Ooops… sorry about that picture… I get them mixed up all the time… They do kinda look alike, don’t they?

Alan Colmes?

Harrumph File #042 11.14.2010_ The Best movie ever made

          Some might say it’s “The Godfather.”  Others surely think “Jaws” takes the top spot.  I could make an argument for “The Giant Claw,” but we’d all be wrong.  The best movie ever made:  “Kelly’s Heroes” starring Clint Eastwood in his prime.  The supporting cast is superb.  Telly Savalas as “Big Joe,” the tough as nails top sergeant just trying to keep his guys alive on the road to Berlin.  Donald Sutherland is “Oddball,” a crazy, whacked-out sergeant in charge of three Sherman tanks, more interested in what he’s smoking than in fighting a war.  Carroll O’Connor is General Colt, a “Patton”-like commander, complete with a box of medals.  And Don Rickles as “Crapgame,” a supply sergeant with more connections than Don Corleone.

          Then there’s the real star of the show, the tommy gun.  Yes, you heard right, the Thompson submachine gun, aka: the “Chicago Typewriter,” aka: the “Chopper,” aka: the “Trenchbroom.”  Sure, other movies might have a tommy gun or two, but in this one they’re the star.  There are literally dozens of them.  And, they’re killing Nazis… in large numbers.  And, they’re being carried by Dirty Harry & Kojack!  “Who loves ya, baby?”  I’ll tell you who:  Mr. Thompson and his .45 caliber full metal jacket spittin’ dream machine.

          So I hear you say: “Wait a minute, weren’t there tommy guns in ‘The Godfather?’  And that movie has so much more to it!”  Well, yes, “The Godfather” is a great movie and it did feature probably the most famous tommy gun scene in history – Sonny getting blasted at the causeway by a dozen guys with Thompsons.  But, when you get down to it, that’s it.  Even during the classic baptism scene you’ve got hoods getting blown away with pistols, shotguns & other machine guns; Moe Greene even gets shot though his eyeglasses.  But not a single Thompson.

          And, as far as “Jaws,” well, you know they might have had a giant shark but, once again, no tommy guns.  Of course, if Quint had a tommy gun on board “Orca” it would’ve been a rather short movie; Quint finds giant shark.  Quint blows said shark out of the water with tommy gun.  Quint hauls dead shark into port and becomes a hero… instead of shark food.  “I’ll never wear a life jacket again…”  Yeah, you’ll never wear pants again Quint.  Should’ve invested in a tommy gun.  Now, in “Kelly’s Heroes,” the only guys not firing away with tommy guns are one guy with a sniper rifle and another guy with a B.A.R., kinda like a tommy gun on steroids.

          And, you can’t beat “Kelly’s Heroes” for a great plot.  Kelly finds out about $14 million in gold the rotten Nazis are holding in a bank 40 miles behind the lines.  He convinces the guys in his recon platoon to go for it during a three day rest from combat.  As “Crapgame” puts it while grinning like a Cheshire cat: “It could be the perfect crime…”

            As you can guess, they punch through the German lines, meet up with “Oddball” & his tanks, then take on the krauts guarding the bank, winner take all.  Meanwhile, Carroll O’Connor, as the blood & guts General Colt hears about Kelly’s & Big Joe’s men fighting their way through the Germans & takes off after them with his driver, the recon platoon’s commander, Captain Maitland, and his box of medals intent on “decorating every man in this penetration… whoever they are.”  As General Colt is approaching the town, driving through crowds of newly liberated Frenchmen, Kelly & the men load the last of the gold and roll out for Switzerland.  When the general’s jeep gets bogged down in the crowd, Maitland jumps off, with a tommy gun on his shoulder, and checks out the battle scene in the town square; Frenchmen waving flags, tiger tanks burning. As he walks through the blown out doors in the bank, wondering what the heck happened there, he sees no Nazis… no GI’s… nothing but a little bit of GI graffiti written on the wall… “Up yours baby…”  Maitland throws out an offended look… Queue the music… Kelly & the men drive off into the sunset.  Top that!  Harrumph…