Harrumph File #045 12.05.2010_ Watch out for the Germans! (Official Harrumph Files alert…this is not a test.)

     You know, it’s been almost 80 years since the Germans elected their last maniacal leader, Adolf Hitler, the third most evil person ever, right behind #2, Attila the Hun and her most high evilness, Michelle Obama, whom we proved a few months ago, may actually be the Devil.  And so, I must, as a public service, remind everyone… watch out for the Germans!

     You see, they’re just about due for another crazy jaunt into Lunaticville.  Let me put it this way:  The Germans are kind of like a chain smoker trying to quit.  Except it’s not cigarettes they’re smoking… it’s countries.  Like that smoker trying to get off of the cancer sticks, they’ve been real good recently keeping their mitts off of other countries.  But, just underneath the surface, you know she’s just begging for a nicotine fix.  And you know that if that hypothetical ex-smoker ever decides to pick up a menthol again, she’s gonna smoke it right down to the nub.

"Old School" Germans

     You see, the thing you have to realize is that Germany didn’t quit smoking and then throw her cigarettes out after the last spaz attack they had.  Unlike Japan, she kept a pack of emergency smokes on the nightstand in the shape of Leopard tanks.  And, on top of that, she kept going to bars with buddies that still smoked.  Bars in Central Europe, Yugoslavian bars, Lebanese bars, even Afghani bars.  Really, when you’ve got an addictive personality like the Germans (to them, invading other countries is like eating potato chips… you can’t stop at just one!) you’ve got to make a clean break.  I mean, check out their partner in crime in the last brouhaha, Japan – they went from carrying samurai swords to completely abolishing “military” forces.   Well, except for their “self-defense” forces.  But they usually only battle Godzilla, and mostly lose that fight anyway.

"New School" Germans

     You know what though?  Maybe we could use basic German behavior to our advantage.  After all, everyone’s afraid of the Germans.  The Russians… the Poles… the French… yeah, the French most of all.  With all these rogue states, terrorists & ChiComs running around, we could sure use a little help tamping them down.  If that means we’re lighting up a German smoke now and again, so be it.  And, even though the German Chancellor is a chick, I’ll bet she can goose step with the best (or worst) of ‘em!  As we’ve seen before, when German tanks start rolling, about the only thing that can stop them are their own idiotic leaders.  So, as long as we can keep them on our leash, playing our tune, we can channel their natural tendencies to spontaneously invade their neighbors to our aims.  Now, if we can only move Germany closer to Red China.  Harrumph…