The Entertainment division would like to, once again,
introduce Mortimer Mouse to cover the poll results.
“First of all, let me tells you this: I don’t work for no ‘Entertainment
division.’ I told youse last time that
I done gave that line ‘o work up years ago.
I work down on the loadin’ docks here at the bunker. I don’t mind totin’ boxes ‘o ammo or rollin’
barrels of 'who knows what' into the storage rooms. It ain’t exactly the freelance lifestyle I’m used to, and I ain’t
found a single drunk to roll, but youse know, it’s a steady paycheck.
So anyways,
here’s them results on the goofiest cartoon out there. Looks like Donald Duck and Goofy each got
two votes. Pretty respectable for a
couple ‘o guys from the neighborhood.
They done good for themselves workin’ for Disney. Youse know, I think Donny could do even
better if he just knocks off the bottle.
Boy, that duck can put a few down.
Trouble is, he’s a mean drunk. I
remember, back in the day, when he used to run with Mick & me. Well, you knows, we’d roll a few drunks or
bust a pinball machine down at Clancy’s for beer money. Man, after a few that duck would start getting’
in people’s faces… tellin’ ‘em he was the king of Pasadena & stuff. Didn’t matter who either. Ladies with babies, old men, kids… Boy, what
a maroon. ‘Course, that was the only
time youse could understand him too…
Then there
was ‘ol Goof. Nicest guy youse ever
met. He’d give ya the hat offa his head
if youse wanted. He never was the same
after that dose of radiation he caught watchin’ them atom bomb tests outside of
Vegas. I kept tellin’ him to stay away
from there but he just kept goin’ back… like a moth to the flame. It was almost like a disease, he just loved
watchin’ them mushroom clouds. He’d
come back from a weekend at Vegas just a little bit more off each time, if
youse know what I means.
Chip &
Dale got no votes at all. Not
surprising, really. When youse consider
just who them chipmunks are. Oh, youse
never heard that story? Ya, well not
many have, since it was quashed after the war.
So, right after Pearl Harbor, Mick got a lot of his friends to do
propaganda films for the War Department.
Donny & Goof were there with him, leadin’ the way to victory! I remember, ‘cause I was workin’ as a
gaffer, on set. Well, one day Mick
& I goes over to asks them chipmunks to appear in a couple of films & they
start sayin’ how Hitler don’t seem like such a bad guy & maybe we outta
stay out of Europe & let England fight there own war, yada, yada. I couldn’t believe it. Here was a couple ‘o Nazi chipmunks staring
me right in the face! Well, I did the
only thing a red-blooded American mouse could do… I popped one of ‘em right in
his Nazi nose! Well, they took off
after that… lived in Argentina for, like 12 years, before they got a
presidential pardon from Ike. Turned
out their uncle saved Ike’s life in North Africa & that was his
payback. Yeah? Well, one of ‘em’s still got that red nose I
gave him!
So the
winner is Hillary Clinton with five votes.
Now, I ain’t sayin’ the fix is in, ‘cause I know she’s as goofy as they
come, but youse know she ain’t no cartoon at all! I know she looks like a ‘toon, and she sure acts like a ‘toon,
but what’s up with this? Personally, I
woulda voted for my pal Goofy. Youse
know, who’s the goofiest? Ummm… Goofy. Sometimes this job makes me so mad I just
gotta pop someones in the kisser…
anyone know where that other chipmunk went?”
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