Harrumph File #042 11.14.2010_ The Best movie ever made

          Some might say it’s “The Godfather.”  Others surely think “Jaws” takes the top spot.  I could make an argument for “The Giant Claw,” but we’d all be wrong.  The best movie ever made:  “Kelly’s Heroes” starring Clint Eastwood in his prime.  The supporting cast is superb.  Telly Savalas as “Big Joe,” the tough as nails top sergeant just trying to keep his guys alive on the road to Berlin.  Donald Sutherland is “Oddball,” a crazy, whacked-out sergeant in charge of three Sherman tanks, more interested in what he’s smoking than in fighting a war.  Carroll O’Connor is General Colt, a “Patton”-like commander, complete with a box of medals.  And Don Rickles as “Crapgame,” a supply sergeant with more connections than Don Corleone.

          Then there’s the real star of the show, the tommy gun.  Yes, you heard right, the Thompson submachine gun, aka: the “Chicago Typewriter,” aka: the “Chopper,” aka: the “Trenchbroom.”  Sure, other movies might have a tommy gun or two, but in this one they’re the star.  There are literally dozens of them.  And, they’re killing Nazis… in large numbers.  And, they’re being carried by Dirty Harry & Kojack!  “Who loves ya, baby?”  I’ll tell you who:  Mr. Thompson and his .45 caliber full metal jacket spittin’ dream machine.

          So I hear you say: “Wait a minute, weren’t there tommy guns in ‘The Godfather?’  And that movie has so much more to it!”  Well, yes, “The Godfather” is a great movie and it did feature probably the most famous tommy gun scene in history – Sonny getting blasted at the causeway by a dozen guys with Thompsons.  But, when you get down to it, that’s it.  Even during the classic baptism scene you’ve got hoods getting blown away with pistols, shotguns & other machine guns; Moe Greene even gets shot though his eyeglasses.  But not a single Thompson.

          And, as far as “Jaws,” well, you know they might have had a giant shark but, once again, no tommy guns.  Of course, if Quint had a tommy gun on board “Orca” it would’ve been a rather short movie; Quint finds giant shark.  Quint blows said shark out of the water with tommy gun.  Quint hauls dead shark into port and becomes a hero… instead of shark food.  “I’ll never wear a life jacket again…”  Yeah, you’ll never wear pants again Quint.  Should’ve invested in a tommy gun.  Now, in “Kelly’s Heroes,” the only guys not firing away with tommy guns are one guy with a sniper rifle and another guy with a B.A.R., kinda like a tommy gun on steroids.

          And, you can’t beat “Kelly’s Heroes” for a great plot.  Kelly finds out about $14 million in gold the rotten Nazis are holding in a bank 40 miles behind the lines.  He convinces the guys in his recon platoon to go for it during a three day rest from combat.  As “Crapgame” puts it while grinning like a Cheshire cat: “It could be the perfect crime…”

            As you can guess, they punch through the German lines, meet up with “Oddball” & his tanks, then take on the krauts guarding the bank, winner take all.  Meanwhile, Carroll O’Connor, as the blood & guts General Colt hears about Kelly’s & Big Joe’s men fighting their way through the Germans & takes off after them with his driver, the recon platoon’s commander, Captain Maitland, and his box of medals intent on “decorating every man in this penetration… whoever they are.”  As General Colt is approaching the town, driving through crowds of newly liberated Frenchmen, Kelly & the men load the last of the gold and roll out for Switzerland.  When the general’s jeep gets bogged down in the crowd, Maitland jumps off, with a tommy gun on his shoulder, and checks out the battle scene in the town square; Frenchmen waving flags, tiger tanks burning. As he walks through the blown out doors in the bank, wondering what the heck happened there, he sees no Nazis… no GI’s… nothing but a little bit of GI graffiti written on the wall… “Up yours baby…”  Maitland throws out an offended look… Queue the music… Kelly & the men drive off into the sunset.  Top that!  Harrumph…