Harrumph File #043 11.21.2010_Whoever invented digital clocks should be flogged (and cash registers that tell you how much change to give)

     Do digital clocks piss you off as much as they piss me off?  Well, probably not because they really piss me off.  And why do they have such an effect on me you might ask?  It’s because you can make a direct link between the rise of digital clocks and the fall of western civilization.

     At one time clocks were not only timepieces, but also virtual works of art.  Some have fetched hundreds of thousands of dollars at auction (true, they’re not ancient Chinese vases but truly, what do ancient Chinese vases really do besides just sit there?  And, if you were to buy one would you actually fill it with water and put some flowers in it, or would you be wary of damaging it with said water and hence just leave it empty, unfulfilled, devoid of life and any sense of real purpose?  After all, the ancient Chinese hag that used to own it two thousand years ago actually used it as a vase, so go ahead and fill it up.  Heck it’s probably just a Nazi fake anyway.  Consult Indiana Jones on that.)

     Anyway, once we graduated from sundials, timepieces really took off.  From mantle clocks to nice pocket watches (which are now the exclusive purview of train enthusiasts and anti-technology hermits) to grandfather clocks to “Big Ben.”  And then “it” happened.  The initial sloping of the inevitable slippery slope into oblivion.  Yes, you know what “it” is… the invention of the digital clock.  The digital clock opened the door to doomsday as assuredly as the ChiComs are evil.  You see, people didn’t have to think about time anymore.  They could just look at a digital display and know instantly that it was “12:09 AM,” then “3:42 AM,” then “4:26 AM,” then finally “6:03 AM” when the alarm goes off (because you could never get that “slow” button on your alarm to work quite right & therefore had to settle for getting close to 6:00 AM with the “fast” button.)

     And so, as people gave up on thinking about time in a folksy, relaxed way (“it’s a quarter to one,” “noontime,” “Nigh on to sunset” & such,) they gave up on math skills in general.  This was accelerated by the digital display cash register.  You see, back in “the day,” when Ritchie got a job in the malt shoppe, he had to figure out how much change to give you when you paid for that 17-cent malt with a quarter.  Nowadays, when you buy your 7 dollar and 85 cent macho grande with extra whipped cream, the guy at the drive-in window doesn’t have to do anything close to real math when you give him that ten-spot, the dang machine says: “$2.15,” how can he screw that up?  Heck, the 15 cents in coin you’re gonna get just goes in the jar for cancer anyway, while you pocket the folding money.

     So, obviously digital clocks are the “singularity”… the “initial datum”… the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.  Digital clocks led to “smart” cash registers, which led to 8 dollar coffees, which led to “The Jersey Shore,” predicted by the Mayans as the final sign of the end times.

     You might also remember that virtually all robots use digital clocks, and the countdown timer to the coming robot revolution that has already started is in fact, a digital clock.

They're coming to get you, Barbara..."

     And, with the rise of evil digital clocks can we really continue to use old-time folksy sayings such as: “half past a monkey’s ass” anymore, or will the person asking you for the time just stare at you like an idiot when you use one… while they buy their 8 dollar macho grande and sit down to another episode of “Jersey?”

     So listen for the “tick-tock… tick-tock… tick-tock…” as we approach the end, folks.  Actually, you won’t hear that sound since digital clocks are silent… yet another way in which their inherent evil properties puts us at a disadvantage.  Harrumph…