Harrumph File #047 12.19.2010_The Grinch ain’t such a bad guy!

     You’ve all seen the classic Christmas story of “How The Grinch Stole Christmas.”  If not, then you’re either a hermit, an angry circus clown, or a communist.  Well, I’m here to tell you:  The Grinch isn’t such a bad guy.  Yes, I know he’s portrayed as an evil curmudgeon, hating the “whos” down in Who-ville.  But, when you get right down to it, all he really wants is a little peace and quiet.  He lives in his cave on top of mount Crumpit with his dog Max… Now, I grant you, Max isn’t as cute as little Pez, but then again, who is?  So anyway, the Grinch doesn’t disturb anyone… he doesn’t require anything from the whos of Who-ville… he doesn’t interfere in their strange rituals.  All he wants is for them to turn down all that noise, noise, noise, noise!  After all, he’s put up with it for fifty-three years!  And what do the whos do down there in Who-ville?  Are they the least bit considerate of the Grinch’s request for quiet?  No, they play their floo-floobers, gah-ginkers, and woo-wonkers!  They dance with jing-tinglers tied on to their heels!  They play noisy games like zoo zitta ka zay.  Have you ever been to a zoo zitta ka zay match?  Well, I’ll tell you one thing, it sure looks like it’s a pretty noisy game to me!  I don’t even want to get into their habit of breaking out their great big electro who-cardio schlook!  So, I ask you, is the Grinch’s request unreasonable?  One quiet year out of fifty-three?  Really…

It's Max! Normal cuteness.

     And, I might add, it really makes no difference whether his shoes were too tight or his head wasn’t screwed on just right or even if his heart was two sizes too small.  After all, I’ve seen people wearing shoes I don’t approve of.  I know for a fact that there are plenty of people out there with their heads screwed on wrong.  And, I’ve met people with no heart at all, much less two sizes too small.  Do we condemn these people based on our own prejudices?  Face it: he’s here, he’s a Grinch, get used to it.  At least he ain’t asking for his own parade (they are rather noisy, don-chya-no?)

     And how about other Christmas characters?  Do they think they’re better than the Grinch?  That they’re the “good guys?”  Come on!  For example, take Santa’s reindeer.  Everyone thinks they’re these noble, self-sacrificing animals helping to bring joy to children around the globe.  Ummm… “All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.  They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.”  Excuse me?  What a bunch of assholes!  Where the heck do they think they are, high school?  And how can Santa just sit by and let them act like that?  And, I don’t want to hear anything from him about “not seeing anything,” or “I just didn’t know.”  Where do you think Rudolph’s bruises came from?  Or his drinking problem?  C’mon, Santa, pay attention to the warning signs!  I guess we shouldn’t expect much from a man who takes toys that don’t fit his “purity” test, labels them “misfits,” and sends them to live on an isolated island in misery.  Ummm, has anyone checked Santa’s arm for an “SS” tattoo?  And why doesn’t he allow his elves to work in any job they want to?  I say, if an elf wants to be a dentist, let him be a dentist!  That damn Santa probably requires them to have “papers” just to travel to the outhouse.

It's Pez! Maximum cuteness!

     Now, what about “Frosty the Snowman?”  I’m sorry, but why are people allowing their children to hang around with a guy who wears a top hat… and nothing else?!  “He led them down the streets of town right to the traffic cop… And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler stop.”  Excuse me, Mr. naked snowman leading children on a romp through town, when a police officer tells you to stop, you stop for more than a “moment.”  That right there is a good reason to issue flame-throwers to cops.  Obviously, he’s still on the run to this very day.

     I don’t even want to talk about “A Charlie Brown Christmas” because everyone knows that “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” is the preeminent Peanuts holiday special.

     So think about giving the Grinch a break this Christmas, folks.  Don’t get so down on him.  It’s not his fault that he’s got to wear old shoes that he’s grown out of, or that he can only afford a cold, isolated cave to live in.  He’s doing the best he can and, after all, he didn’t just steal Christmas (in a single night, mind you!) he brought it back!  He brought all the decorations, he brought all the toys!  He brought the jing-tinglers for the who girls and boys!  He returned all their presents.  And last, but not least.  He, he himself, the Grinch… carved the roast-beast!

     Merry Christmas, everyone!  Harrumph…