Harrumph File #040 10.31.2010_ Ok, So it’s Zombie Apocalypse; what do I do?

     "And now an update to this week’s top story. As you know, for the past three days a series of horrific murders have swept across the globe.  At first, it was attributed to mass hysteria, or some kind of sleeper cell activity.  However, in the past 12 hours several facts have come out that dispute these early theories.  The assailants, if that is what we can call them, appear to be devouring the flesh of those that they kill.  Reports of dead relatives appearing at family homes, and attacking the occupants, are widespread.  Earlier this week, the President sent a series of initiatives to Congress to deal with this now out-of-control problem. I’m getting another update… please… wait one minute… this is incredible… Ladies and gentlemen, the CDC in Atlanta has confirmed… that… the bodies of the recently deceased are reanimating and attacking the living...  This appears to be a world-wide phenomenon. Martial law has now been declared in all 50 states. The Federal Government is establishing a series of “rescue stations,” mostly at military bases, throughout the country.  A list of these will continue to scroll at the bottom of the screen for as long as we stay on the air... The government has declared that all private residences are to be evacuated, no matter how well stocked and defended..."

     Ok, so it’s Zombie Apocalypse; what do I do?  Well, if this is the first time you’ve ever heard of Zombie Apocalypse, or if you have heard of it, but figured it would never happen… well there’s really only one thing you can do… bend over and kiss your dumb ass goodbye.  You see, this is one news broadcast that we hope we never hear.  Well, ok, maybe I’m hoping to hear this broadcast, but I mean all the rest of you don’t want to hear it.  And why do you dread this particular news broadcast?  Simple, because you haven’t prepared for it.

     So what exactly is Zombie Apocalypse?  If you’ve seen any of George Romero’s zombie films then you already have an idea.  Now, I don’t want you to confuse them with any of those stupid new-fangled zombie movies that have come out recently, where the zombies are running or crawling on walls & ceilings.  See Harrumph File #002 for more information on those monstrosities.  I’m talking about those shambling, bumbling ex-humans that come back from the dead with an insatiable appetite for human flesh.

     So, you ask: how does Zombie Apocalypse begin?  Government experiment gone wrong?  Alien space virus?  Wrath of God?  My position: who really cares?  I mean, with a hundred hungry ghouls boxing you into a corner, what difference does it make?  I know, I know, there’s a certain segment of you out there that just has to have every “i” dotted & every “t” crossed, so let’s just say… it’s the Chinese.  Yeah, certainly a plausible explanation.  Those pesky ChiComs were working on some new biological agent to use on our boys in the coming war between us & them and, whoops… it kinda got away from them.

     Of course, once the zombie virus “gets out,” our ability to fix the problem gets worse with each passing day.  With all the dead people rising from their graves to feast upon our warm bodies, the ability of the government to, first try to control, then try to contain, and finally to try to destroy the zombie horde is overwhelmed.  And, as the living come in contact with the dead, obviously more and more of the living are eaten or bitten, and thus “our” numbers diminish, while “their” numbers rise.

     So, rule #1: Don’t rely on the government to save your ass… just ask anyone from the “Big Easy” about that.  When you see those lists of “rescue stations” scrolling along the bottom of the T.V., save your pencil lead.  Basically, all the government is doing by evacuating people to so-called “rescue stations” is setting up a gigantic smorgasbord for the living dead.

     Rule #2:  Don’t go to the mall.  Come on, we’ve seen what happens there.  Remember, zombies are, somehow attracted to the mall because it was an important place in their lives, so that’s where their rudimentary memory will send them.  Besides, there are way too many windows in malls and all it takes is one zombie with a rock or a club and your “paradise” turns into a rat trap… and you’re the rat!  Oh, and for those of you thinking about your neighborhood Costco… can you think of a better place for a “rescue station?”  No, and neither will the government.  So, go there and you get the Costco size zombie horde.

     Rule #3:  You don’t need a gigantic arsenal of weapons to defend yourself.  No, I know you might want that really cool .300 Weatherby Magnum, sporting a 12 power Leupold scope with an auto drop compensating mil-dot reticle, but you don’t really need it.  Come on, you’re not going to be popping zombie heads at a thousand yards… all you’re going to do is waste expensive ammo & attract any zombie within hearing distance.  A good battle carbine, a shotgun, & a couple of reliable pistols is all you need… and lots of ammo.

     Rule #4:  Board your house up and lay low until you can implement rule #5.  Now, when I say “board your house up,” I mean from the outside.  Too many movie people board the windows up on the inside… ummm, I think we all know that if zombies are pushing on a boarded-up window it would be much stronger if they were pushing the nails in, instead of out, hmmm?  So give your rifle to the wife, grab your boards & hammer, and get those windows closed up fast.  Once you’re done with that, gather your supplies, go upstairs, and wait it out for a few days.  And don’t turn any lights on!

     Ok, here’s the last rule… rule #5.  This is the one that if you can manage to pull it off, you will be the first president of the resurrected (sorry, pun intended) United States of America.  Rule #5:  Transportation.  Yeah, you may have boarded up your house, but sooner or later you’re gonna inadvertently turn a flash light on (remember what happened when those kids lit up the T-rex in “Jurrasic Park?”) or have to subdue a loud, hysterical member of your group with a just as loud slap across the face, or just fart too loud, and this will bring zombies down on your house faster than you can say “oh, crap.”

     So, the best bet is to get out of Dodge when you feel the timing is right.  You’ve got to head for the hills: not too many zombies and not too many roving bands of motorcycle gangs looking for loot.  And here’s the kicker: the best transport?  Armored car.  Give it a couple of weeks into Zombie Apocalypse and I’m sure you’ll find one somewhere.  Most regular people will have already been eaten by then and the average person nowadays won’t think about using the armored car for a safe house… they’ll just think about taking the bags of now-worthless money.  You’ll be the king of zombieland.  They can’t tip it over & they can’t get in to eat you.  You can fire away at them from inside & even drive over them if they get in your way.  And if you get tired?  Sleep your troubles away in perfect zombie-free safety.

     So remember these lessons and you too may survive Zombie Apocalypse when it happens.  Oh, and me?  Well, maybe we’ll meet up somewhere in the mountains, safe from the zombie hordes, next to a clean lake with plenty of game and fresh water.  Look for me, ‘cause I’ll be looking for you… through the 12 power Leupold scope on my really cool .300 Weatherby Magnum, sporting an auto drop compensating mil-dot reticle…  Harrumph…