Harrumph File #036 10.03.2010_ Why we need to invade Mexico now

     I know what you’re thinking.  “Here we go with another tirade about carpet bombing Mexico or electrified fences, machine gun towers & minefields or sending Special Forces into Latin America to clean it up or blah, blah…”  Well, yes, I’m in favor of all those things but that’s for another day.

     Now, I’m not advocating a Mexican invasion for territorial gain.  I mean, after all, we kicked their asses once already back in the 1840’s & picked up a few new states for our trouble all fair & square like.  Yes, fair & square…we won, we took the spoils of war.  That’s the way things happen in the adult world, kiddies.  No matter how much some people don’t like it, Arizona, California, Nevada, Utah & New Mexico are U.S. states, not Mexican states.  After all, we actually named battleships after some of them so it’s all official-like & whatnot.

     So, you ask yourself, just what am I talking about here?  Well, as you know, our war fighters have been overseas kicking the crap out of Al Qaeda and their buddies, the Iraqis and the Pakistanis… (*muffled voice from off-page*… Wha? What was that? *muffled voice again*… Pakistan’s an ally in the war on terror… I mean, in this “overseas contingency operation?”  You mean they’re on our side?  *muffled voice*  C’mon, what’re you, on drugs or something?  *muffled voice*  On our side… hmmm… guess I never made the connection.)

     Anyway, what it comes down to is fatigue.  No, I’m not talking about the fact that the American population at large is getting tired of this probably never-ending war.  We all know that.  You hear about it on the news all the time.  Lot’s of interviews with the “man on the street,” while he’s standing in line to get his macho grande with extra whipped cream or standing in line to get another free sample from the Morton’s vendor at Costco… yeah, we all know he’s tired of “fighting” this war.  No, what I’m talking about is that our war fighters (i.e. the guys with the rifles & cammies you see on T.V.) are just plain tired.  They’ve been going “over there” three, four, five times each, and they still haven’t found that raggedy-ass, bearded freak who started this whole thing in the first place!  Now, I’m not criticizing our guys…after all, I support our troops (now that I’ve said that, I am immune from criticism.)  It’s just that when someone’s worn out and tired they tend to get a little sloppy… just look at Vice President Biden for proof of that.

     Ok, so what’s up with my proposed invasion of Mexico?  Well, as anyone who has seen “Machete” on the big screen can tell you, this mangy mutt can get in there and clean up a mess faster than a Disney-sweeper.  True, he usually leaves another mess when he’s done, but blood and pieces of brain can be washed off of floors & walls so I’m not too worried about that.  In his first film, Machete did a pretty good job cleaning up Texas.  But then, he just disappears… driving away on a motorcycle with Jessica Alba on his lap.  Where do they go?  What do they do?  Do we have to wait until the sequel, “Machete Kills,” or the third movie in the series, “Machete Kills Again,” are completed before our new hero is available for use in my mad scheme?  We cannot wait that long to implement this operation!  We know he’s no longer in Texas so we need to invade Mexico now in order to find him!

     Once we locate Machete we’ll have half of our new anti-Al Qaeda team.  We all know that Machete knows what to do once he’s got those raggedy heads within blade length, but it’s the getting him to that point where our other half comes in.  One word: Mantracker.  Yes, bring that ramshackle Canadian down out of the woods, equip him with the best in American firearms and electronics, put him on a plane going east with Machete and we’ve got the A-Team of the United Nations on their way!  Send the Germans home!  Send the French home!  Send them all home!  Mantracker finds ‘em, Machete hacks ‘em!  I’m sure Osama leaves distinctive sandal tracks & toe-kicks that Mantracker can follow.

     So anyway, what I’m saying is that since all of our war fighters are recovering from years of kicking the crap out of Al Qaeda and the rest of those raggedy ass clowns carrying their AK’s & their hate & not much else, who else can we look to besides Mantracker & Machete to protect all the weak-kneed, jamba juice-drinking, myspacing, frappuccinoing Americans that are left?  Mantracker & Machete… Know your land.  Know your prey.  Know your edged weapons… Harrumph…