Harrumph File #039 10.24.2010_ Pelicans, WTF?

     Alright, so you’ve seen the title and you’re thinking to yourself, “just what does this clown have against pelicans?  Maybe he was attacked by a pelican when he was a child?  Did a pelican steal the trophy fish he was just about to land in a fishing contest?  Perhaps a pelican dropped a “bomb” on his brand new car?  Maybe, it was a pelican getting into the garbage at his sea side beach house back in ’79, strewing crap all over the place and causing a huge problem with the neighbors, especially that blond with the huge rack?” *head shaking* Pffffft!!  Oh well, that’s for another time.

That's one angry pelican!

     No, it’s just that every time I see a pelican I think, “what the f*#k?  Where did that monstrosity of nature come from?”  Think about it, in every cartoon that you’ve seen a pelican in, what are they?  They’re not the hero, flying to the rescue of some shapely girl-mouse… no, that’s reserved for mighty mice with capes… that can fly anywhere to save the day.  They’re not the evil antagonist… that’s usually reserved for monkeys or coyotes.  They’re never the hero’s faithful assistant… those are usually pant-less ducks or weird dog-like things that live in houses and have sons but never is there any mention of a wife or girlfriend dog-like thing and even if there was one he wouldn’t know what to do with her… gawrsh… (*more head shaking.*)

     Yeah, you know what’s left.  Pelicans can only be the funny man… the clown that the hero cartoons run into halfway through the movie, for a little comic relief.  Flying into closed windows they thought were open; running down a pier, tripping and waddling like a drunken sailor; saying something that sounds like gibberish… and then finding out that the reason the hero can’t understand him is because there’s a couple of fish in his pouch that he didn’t realize were there.  Duh… Pelicans, sheesh…

     So, just where did pelicans come from?  And, don’t say “the stork” because they’re almost as bad as pelicans.  I’ve never seen a stork wearing a delivery hat or carrying a jar of pickles… ever!  Pelicans… obviously rendered in some far corner of God’s workshop.  Made up of spare parts no self-respecting creature would have.  What’s that? Are you doubting that God has a workshop where he designs, plans, and has his minions build each and every new creature on earth?  Ummm, have you ever heard the saying about things being discarded on the “dustbin of history?”  C’mon, you can’t have a dustbin without a workshop to create that dust!

   And you know, just by looking at pelicans and other weird creatures, you can figure out that God’s workshop minions must have a sense of humor!  One word… duck-billed platypus.  Ok, it might be three words… or two words, depending on whether you count hyphenated words as one or two, but it doesn’t detract from the fact that duck-billed platypuses are just plain wrong!  Camels.  Why are there some that have one hump and some that have two?  Really, what’s the point?  Why can’t all camels just have one hump?  I mean, what would we really be losing there?  And for those of you that still refuse to believe me, then why aren’t there any three humped camels, huh?  The only way to explain this anomaly?  God elves.  Yeah, maybe Santa’s elves are better known, but I’m convinced that a group of elves must’ve gotten lost and ended up at the wrong workshop.  Well, what do you think God would do with these navigationally challenged elves?  Send them away?  No, I’m sure he put them to work & took a long deserved vaca.  With God gone at the all-inclusive beach resort, they’re the ones making these monstrosities up.  In all honesty, I think God had better put a drug and alcohol policy into effect before we start seeing things down here made up of left over arms, legs, and used Pabst Blue Ribbon cans.

     Let me address God’s elves directly:  Look, I know you guys are having a lot of fun; a nice place to live, trampolines & boobs galore, using God’s credit card for Chinese take-out, but this has to stop.  Stop drinking PBR for a few minutes and look at what you’re doing!  You’re populating the planet with monsters!  God forbid you get hold of some old 1950’s 16mm movies about aliens & stuff.  Who knows what’ll come out of your warped little minds.  Anyone ever seen “Zontar, the Thing from Venus?”  Ewww, gross.  You guys have got to be responsible for a change.  What do you think God will do when he gets home & finds the mess you’ve made?  Just ask Noah about that one.  So what do you say, a little less beer and a little more responsibility, huh?

     And, hey, if you elves are taking requests, my wife is still waiting to get a miniature giraffe like the one we saw on that DirecTV commercial.   Harrumph…