Armory division poll

     The Armory division of the HARRUMPH organization will be conducting a poll on the best anti-zombie weapon out there.  In order to do this we would like to introduce a guest speaker: Colonel Trowbridge, VC, KBE, DSO, DCM, formerly of the British Army.

     “Right… let me introduce myself.  Colonel Trowbridge, 1^st Lancashire Fusiliers.  You may remember this bit of a tiff we had back in ’39 against a chap named Hitler.  Well, I’m here to tell you that he wasn’t the only bloody wanker we had to deal with.  My war was in the jungles of Burma against the Japanese.  Nasty business, that.  I remember one particular undertaking, must’ve been early ’43… February, I believe.  We began “Operation Longcloth” with 3000 Chindits, lead by the legendary Brigadier Wingate, a rather cheeky fellow with the odd habit of wearing a raw onion around his neck.  Well, we started off…” (*muffled voice from off-page*)… “I’m sorry, what’s that?”  (*muffled voice*)  “Oh, sorry.  Got a bit off subject.  Right, back to the business at hand, what?”

     “So, I’ve been asked to go over a few ideas on what would be the best weapon to use against a fictitious zombie horde.  Right, zombies.  Filthy creatures really, usually all cocked-up but still can be quite dangerous if you’re not careful.  Rather like this one time I was stationed in Calcutta.  I had just been promoted Captain and was seconded to 12^th Army Headquarters, working on the plan to open up the Burma Road.  The original plan was worked up by this nobheaded Major who seemed to think it was more important to listen to Winston on ‘Auntie’ and get roaring drunk every night, than to actually do his job.

     Well, one day the General tells this gobbin that he’s got to have the plan by the next morning so that he could present it to Lord Mountbatten.  Well, of course he hasn’t done anything for the two weeks he’s been responsible for formulating the invasion of Burma, and in a wild panic he ends up hiring a troop of Indian acrobats, who happened to be relatives of the maitre D’ in the officer’s mess, to work all night on the order.  Well, after an all night drunk he, of course, delivers to the General this dodgy plan written in urdu, being the official language of Jammu and Kashmir, which is where the acrobats were originally from… bloody wogs… they even delivered this poor inebriated chap to the General’s office wearing a pair of knickers on his head that they had secured in a raid on the nurses quarters of the local RAF base.”  (*muffled voice from off-page*)…  “I say, what was that?”  (*muffled voice*)  “Anti-zombie weapons?  Oh, right.  Go with the shotgun, what?”