Harrumph File #038 10.17.2010_ Global Cooling / Warming / Climate Change / Disruption (or Why Al Gore is such a jabroni)

King of the jabronies

     Antarctica shrinking. Maldives Islands sinking. Iceland being renamed “Waterland.”  Polar bears drifting on tiny icebergs that couldn’t sink a jet ski.  Bigger spiders (yuck!)  Tornados. Killer hurricanes.  Tsunamis.  Incredible shrinking Scottish sheep.  What do all these things have in common?  Why, Global Cooling / Warming / Climate Change / Disruption, of course.

     You remember this phenomenon, don’t you?  It all started back in the ‘70s when some pot-smoking lib scientist cooked up the whole idea to get government funding to support his drug habit.  Probably was some pointy-headed jabroni of a professor from Berkeley looking for a few bucks from the feds while still acting like a “teacher” by putting out an official looking paper on a new crisis.  Gotta have a crisis; the feds love a good crisis… if only he could come up with one.  War crisis?  No, people were tired of Vietnam.  Oil crisis?  Nah, people were still in line on that one.  Population crisis?  No, N.O.W. was already on top of that one by turning people into “choices” with Roe v. Wade.

     Maybe he figured it felt unseasonably cool in July.  Well, besides putting a sweater on (which we all know pointy-headed professors from Berkeley love to wear) what else could he do about it?  How could he profit from it?  How could he get more funding?  Well, how about cooking up some numbers to prove  that man was responsible for the unseasonable cooling?  Yeah, yeah, back then you could make up anything, get it on the cover of Time Magazine and everyone would believe your “facts,” because, well, you were a pointy-headed professor from Berkeley, of course.

     So then we were all told a decade later, the planet is actually heating, not cooling (which they now say was untrue… it actually is cooling.  Are you keeping up here?)  Hmmm… what to do about that?  Well, we all know that if “progressives” are good at anything, they’re good at changing labels on things and making it stick.  Therefore, “global warming” came into vogue and “facts” were re-written to support this new theory.  And, it’s actually a theory that is easier to sell to “the masses.”  You know them, they’re all those unwashed hillbillies that aren’t smart enough to go to Berkeley or Yale and therefore need brain-filled “progressives” to decide what’s best for them.

     So anyway, global warming has at its core, man-made pollution… and some cow farts, as the culprits.  So, all the unwashed masses see smoke stacks pumping hot smoke into the air and it’s easy even for them to make the connection.  Especially after a bunch of pointy-headed, pot-smoking scientists keep saying it over & over in “official-looking” position papers funded by either the government (which can then fine the polluting companies and control those smoke stacks) or “progressive” thinking billionaires (who can now invest in anti-pollution, i.e. “green,” technologies to make even more money.)

     “Progressives” and their pointy-headed scientists say that man is causing warming (oh, now it’s not global warming, it’s “climate change”… ooops, I mean climate “disruption”) due to his activity with manufacturing, transportation and other “polluting” activities.  Wow, if humans have such a large effect on the earth’s temperature why isn’t it 78 degrees & sunny everywhere on the planet?

     So, this is why I can’t stand the whole “climate disruption” argument.  “Progressives” feel that they are very important to the overall world population because they are smarter, they “care” more, they know what’s best for others (because everybody knows all those “hillbillies” are just plain dumb.)  Since they’ve convinced themselves of their importance they also feel that they, and the entire human population by extension, must have a huge effect on nature.  Therefore, it follows that human activity trumps nature.  In other words, humans, not natural forces, cause worldwide temperature shifts.  Oil spills  (by humans… of a totally organic compound) despoil huge areas of shoreline & ocean and nature cannot cope with the mess.  Man-made aerosols trap heat like a greenhouse since they make up such a huge percentage of all molecules in the atmosphere (yeah, right)… once again, nature cannot cope with mans interference.

     Now, I’m not saying that human activity can’t pollute, it can… locally.  But, compared to natural forces, humans are trivial.  Mother nature outclasses us & she proves it all the time.  Have you ever seen what a volcano does?  A lightning caused forest fire?  If humans have the ability to warp nature the way the “progressives” say we do, why don’t we have gigantic fans that blow hurricanes back out to sea?  Why is it that the best defense against a tornado is to avoid it?  Why is it that there were no huge oil disasters from the 860 oil tankers (not to mention the other 7000 ships) that were sunk during World War II, the single most important period of polluting activity and resource using, ever?  Heck, people dive those sites nowadays because of what nature has done to the wrecks.  Nature reclaims… nature fixes imbalance… nature cleans things.  We could take the yearly garbage output of New York City, put it on barges & dump it in the middle of the Atlantic and 30 days later there would be NO trace of it, anywhere.  Except for Styrofoam cups… those are totally evil.  I mean, have you ever seen video of an Atlantic storm?  C’mon people, nature’s telling you every day that you suck!

     Face it, Mother Nature laughs at us, people (remember those margarine commercials from the ‘70s?  “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!”  Then the death & destruction follows.)  Speaking of laughing, this is where the King of the Jabronies comes in:  Al Gore.  This guy has built an empire on your ignorance.  Keep on believing him and his “inconvenient truth,” people.  Sea levels are gonna rise due to the warming effect, huh?  Is that why he bought a $9 million mansion near the coast?  In sunny, already hot, southern California?  With a “Scrooge McDuck”-like gold room where he keeps that 150 million you gave him? Think about him the next time you’re jamming your ass into that airline seat in coach class.  The one that they’ve shaved a couple of inches from so that they could add three more rows.  Try and get a window seat so that maybe you’ll see Al Gore pass you by… in his G5… sipping his Grey Goose or a macho grande with extra whip cream.  Wave at the funny man kiddies!  That’s ok though ‘cause he’s offsetting his huge carbon footprint with a couple of credits he’s buying… from himself… through his carbon credit trading company.  Hmmm… guess you just never made the connection.

"Head" jabroni

     Come to think of it, maybe Al Gore & his $150,000,000 isn’t such a jabroni (well, except when it comes to ordering a massage with a happy ending.)  After all, he’s just following the American dream.  Find a market & produce a product for them.  Maybe that market of progressive doomsayers (remember all those Hollywood stars saying we’ve only got 12 years before our coasts are flooded from rising seas… back in the ‘80s?) are the real jabronis here.  So, jabroni, how does it feel?  You should be happy for Al Gore.  You should enjoy his mansion and his personal jet from afar.  After all, you bought them for him.  Harrumph…