“Good
afternoon. The ghost of Walter Cronkite
here, reporting from the undisclosed HARRUMPH bunker site, well equipped with
end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of
ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table. I’m here today to interview Mr. H.A. Rrumph,
resident Evil Genius in Charge.”
“First
of all, let me thank you, Mr. Rrumph, for allowing me and my ghostly TV crew in
here today. I’m sure you don’t get many
visitors since this is an undisclosed site.”
“Certainly,
Walter. We at HARRUMPH are always glad
to receive a member of the press, and, of course, a giant in the industry, such
as yourself, is a special honor. And
no, we don’t get many visitors here.” *chuckle*
“Certainly not many who are then
allowed to leave.”
“So
what first got you interested in becoming an evil genius?”
“Well,
this is a rather interesting story. Do
you remember when you were in grade school and they administered aptitude
tests? You know, some kids were best
suited to be police officers, some teachers, others truck drivers and
farmers. Well, the first thing I was
especially suited for was ‘King/Dictator.’
Well you know there aren’t many openings for King of America so I
discarded that choice. The second
choice was ‘Neptune, God of the Seas.’
I must admit, I’m not truly comfortable in the water so I had to
eliminate that choice.”
“And
the third?”
“Ah
yes, the third choice was ‘Evil Genius.’
I can see the computer-generated test results even now, in my mind’s
eye. ‘Evil Genius.’ The words sounded like the first tweet of a
baby bird in springtime.” *hands form finger pyramid of evil
contemplation* “Well, once I saw that,
I knew it was for me. I built my evil
organization by stepping on the necks of others and haven’t looked back since.”
“Mr.
Rrumph, the stated goal of your organization is to, and I quote, ‘Take over the
world.’ Don’t you think that goes too
far?”
“Well
Walter, I think it’s important to have a goal.
It gives the organization something to move toward; something that, once
attained, any survivors can look back and say ‘Wow, I climbed that mountain. I was all I could be.’ The U.S. Army uses the same techniques. I mean, what would you have as our goal? To take over Jersey? I mean, c’mon.”
“Hmmm,
good point. I never thought of that.”
“This is the ghost of Walter
Cronkite, join us again next week for the second part of our interview with Mr.
H.A. Rrumph, evil genius.”
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