We return, once again, to the
Champs-Elysees, where we left our reporter in the field interviewing street
mimes. Unfortunately, he seems to have
been taken away, covered in mime blood, still clutching a dented, nearly broken
baseball bat. Mime bodies cover the
street like the opening scene of a zombie flick. For more, we now open a video link to the Champs-Elysees, where
we have sent our combat correspondent, Colonel Oliver South, to report.
“Good morning everyone. As you can see, the scene here is horrific,
bodies lie everywhere. Of course, most
of them are wearing black and white mime garb, the left-over refuse from the
earlier berserk attack by our colleague, obviously driven crazy by the
unprovoked and silent mocking mime attack by the mime known as
“Lagniappe.” He was the first to go
down, but there were many others. Our
reporter, moving from mime to mime, down the street, wielding his deadly
“assault bat.” Minutes after the first
mime succumbed to the home-run swing that took him down, the gendarmes showed
up and subdued the crazed batsman. As
he was dragged away witnesses say he was screaming incoherently, yelling things
like “sic semper tyrannis!,” “free
Puerto Rico,” and “I love you, Jodie Foster.”
“As the gendarmes began taking statements and setting their police tape
out, the mimes organized the first counter-attack. A wave of angry, vengeful mimes began attacking anyone they could
find. Many of them were carrying signs
with hastily written epithets and battle cries on them. Of course the gendarmes, being Frenchmen,
fled at the first attack and we haven’t seen one since. I am with one group of citizens, hunkered down
on the south side of the Arc de Triomphe.
There are several more groups scattered in a rough line from west to
east. The mime army holds the north
side. Since sundown we have been
reinforced by U.S. Marines from the embassy here in Paris. Let me tell you, these young marines are
tough and they’ve been trained to a razor’s edge. Unfortunately, we just don’t have enough to hold this
position. There are rumors that a
multi-national force is being organized to root out this army of mimes, which
continues to grow throughout the night.
It seems that half the population of Paris has been hiding a mime
costume in their closet (probably next to their Waffen SS uniform,) just
waiting for this moment. Their message
is simple. I know this because they
have been holding up signs for the past several hours saying that they are
treated like second-class citizens.
They write that the “art” of mimism dates back to the Xin dynasty and
that they’re tired of being referred to as “the poor man’s clown.”
“The mime army seems to be in the process
of consolidating their position but they continue to send mime patrols out,
seeking weak points in our defense. I
tell you, I thought the VC were silent warriors; well, they’ve got nothing on
these mimes. Sgt. Baker of the Marine
detachment tells me that overnight they’ve caught three mimes within yards of
our position and that only the rattling of the cans in the wire gave their
position away. Only one was taken alive
and, not surprisingly, he’s not talking.”
“As the sun begins to rise on this first
morning of our new war on mimism we take stock of our position. We’ve survived the night of the silent
knives but as we look ahead we see a long and hard road before us. But we are Americans. We’ve been there before. We shall defeat the enemy, whether they are
terrorists, ChiComs, or mimes. To
victory, and beyond! This is Colonel
Oliver South, reporting from the front lines, Paris.”
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