Harrumph File #052 01.23.2011_If You Slap A Mime Across The Face, Does It Make A Sound?

     Dear reader, over the last year I have taken pains to warn you about a great many things.  Zombies, killer whales, the French, witches, clowns, aliens (both foreign and domestic to our planet,) naked ducks, Canadians, pelicans and other monstrosities of nature, Satan’s printers, and the most dangerous to date, the ChiComs.  Up until now I have sheltered you from, probably the single most important threat to civilization since a giant asteroid impacted the planet and destroyed Atlantis (along with their bio-engineered dinosaur pets.)  But, this being the closing Harrumph File of the first Harrumph year, I feel justified in informing you of it.  Yes, I speak of mimism.

     Don’t cower in fear.  Face the horror.  Don’t hide from it.  I know how you feel & I’m afraid too.  We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t feel fear of mimes.  As FDR once said: “the only thing we have to fear… are mimes.  Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror of mimes which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”¹

Why would a mime need a phone?

     The Romans were the first civilization to deal effectively with the problem of mimism.  Some say that mimes migrated to Rome after Gaul (modern day France) was conquered by Caesar.  When the Senate first became aware of the spread of mimism among the people, they took strong measures to curb it’s proliferation.  If mimes had to enter towns they were forced to carry signs that read “Vic Vidium Mimus,” roughly translated as “Watch out! A mime approaches!”  If a Roman prisoner was found to have become a mime while in captivity they removed them to mime colonies, and burnt out the cell with fire.  Yes, the Romans were fearful of mimes, but they faced them… with cohorts of trained infantry.

     History is filled with examples of people facing their fear of mimes.  Amelia Earhart – attacked & shot down by flying mimes over New Caledonia in the South Pacific.  She knew danger stalked her on her ‘round-the-world flight.  And, true, she wasn’t expecting it to be in the shape of a mime face looking at her through it’s gun sights, but she faced up to her fears… and paid the ultimate price.  But she did it with style.

     Abe Lincoln, shot by a confederate mime during the world’s first documented use of a silenced pistol.²  His last words: “Look out! A mime!”³  After shooting Lincoln, the mime jumped to the stage, held up a sign that said “Sic Semper Tyrannis” & then limped off stage, miming a broken leg.  Ok, so maybe it didn’t  happen that way, but it doesn’t detract from the fact that Lincoln knew there was danger from confederate mimes… and faced it anyway.  The King is dead! Long live the King (or tyrannis!)

     So, we come to the final question.  Do you intend to face your fear of mimes, or will you cower in the corner, Margot Kidder style, at the very thought of mimes? *shiver*  It is your choice.  It is up to you.  Will you be “Amelia Earhart” or will you be Amelia Earhart’s unknown navigator that flew half-way around the world, doing as much flying as Amelia Earhart, only to be shot down and killed in the same plane as Amelia Earhart by mimes who, even though they’re happy to blow you away, were actually aiming at Amelia Earhart because she’s famous and, after all, you’re just Amelia Earhart’s flunky navigator?  Has anyone ever heard of “Amelia Earhart’s Unknown Navigator International Airport”?  ‘Nuff said.

     So, we come to the final question… again.  The focus of this week’s harrumph.  The question that everyone, world-wide is asking themselves.  Like the proverbial falling tree in a forest, if you slap a mime across the face, will it make a sound?  Well, I can give you the answer to that question.  I really can.  But, that would be the easy way out.  As you all know, we here at HARRUMPH, never take the easy way out (unless it’s easier than any other way.)  This is something that each one of you must find out for yourselves.  Face your fear.  Stand, and be counted.  Take your own ‘round-the-world flight into danger.  Stare down a silenced mime finger-gun barrel and dare it to take it’s best shot.  Slap that mime across the face and hear the sound of freedom.  Harrumph…

1.  Yes, mimes are nameless, unreasoning and unjustified, but did FDR just use them as a pretext to get us involved in WWII?

2.  Not factually correct… shhhhh!

3.  Actually his last words were “gurgle… gurgle… wheeeeze…”*

*  Not factually correct