So, you all
remember who Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin was, right? Served as the first General Secretary of the Communist Party of
the Soviet Union. Took over after Lenin
expired in 1924. Liquidated around
700,000 people during the pre-war purges.
Made a deal with Hitler, thinking it would keep the Soviet Union out of
World War II. Liquidated another 4 to
10 million during the war. Dropped the
iron curtain over Europe after gobbling up the eastern half. First known political leader to sport a 70’s
porn star style mustache. Well, we all
know these things, but what I want to know is what the hell ever happened to
Stalin?
 |
| Uncle Joe or John Holmes? The world may never know. |
I mean, famous
(or infamous) political leaders usually go out in style. Julius Caesar… stabbed to death in the
senate chamber and even had time to throw out a now-famous tag line (“Et tu,
Brute?”) Abe Lincoln, shot through
the head by a nutty confederate who, by the way, threw out a now-famous tag
line as he fled off the theater stage (“Sic semper tyrannis!”) No, kiddies, it has nothing to do with
dinosaurs, it means “Thus always to tyrants!”
JFK, assassinated in Dallas with cameras rolling while riding in a cool
convertible. After having half his head
blown off even had time to throw out a tag line (“Owww!!!*)
So what ever
happened to Stalin? Did he just fall
off the earth one day? Did he die of
old age or boredom? Is he living in a
hippie commune in Garberville?
To find the
ending, one must start at the beginning (I think Yoda once said that in a
Coruscant whore-house.) Remember,
Stalin was a thorn in Lenin’s side during the glorious October revolution
(apparently he habitually only put two sugars, not three in
Lenin’s morning coffee.) All through
World War Two he was a thorn in Churchill & FDR’s sides with demands for a
second front; demands for more planes and trucks; demands for nose-hair
clippers. In fact, basically,
he was the world’s biggest whiner from 1941 to 1945.
After the war he was a thorn in Europe’s side, constantly gobbling up
country after country in Eastern Europe until he consumed them all. After that, he busied himself with erecting
the infamous “iron curtain.” Then… he
was just gone. No fanfare. No
spectacular assassination. No
brain-splatter. No tag line.
So what
happened next? What was the next “big
thing” on the world stage? The Korean
War. From 1950 to 1953 we were involved
in an East-West struggle for the soul of the planet. Democracy vs. communism.
Good vs. evil. We all know who
the good guys were. Well, most of us do
(for you simple-minded “progressives” out there, we're the good guys.) But who were the bad guys (besides the
hapless North Korean puppets?) Was it
the Soviets, led by the great & powerful Stalin of Oz? Nope.
No Russian tanks; no Russian artillery; no Russian atomic bombs; just a
few “volunteer” pilots flying North Korean MiGs getting shot down wholesale by
Chuck Yeager.
But who was
there? Who did send tanks and
artillery? Who did send thousands of screaming
soldiers across the border? It was the ChiComs. Just as our army was preparing to finish off
the North Koreans; just as MacArthur was figuring out a way to bomb the
southern half of the Yalu bridges; just as William Holden was blowing the
bridges at Toko-Ri to hell; just as M*A*S*H was switching from Trapper John to
B.J. Hunnicutt; the Chinese poured across the border and took the Russian’s
place as our number one enemy. Yes, it
was an evil Chinese plot against the Russians. A coup d’etat to take the
place atop the communist world.
I have
always warned you, America. It’s not
the Russians. It’s not the
Japanese. Hell, it’s not even the
French. It’s the ChiComs. As the great Lawgiver wrote in the sacred
scrolls, specifically, the 29th scroll, 6th verse:
“Beware the ChiCom beast, for he is the devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport or lust or
greed. Yea, he will murder his brother
to possess his brother’s land. Let him
not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and
yours. Shun him. Drive him back into his jungle lair. For he is the harbinger of death.”
Be
warned America, before you find yourself living on the planet of the
ChiComs. Harrumph…
*
Not factually correct
No comments:
Post a Comment