Harrumph File #051 01.16.2011_We had better keep an eye on our astronauts

     Back in the day, every kid wanted to be one.  We all watched them on TV and in the movies.  Crowds gathered on the streets, in front of department store television displays when Apollo 11 settled into the sea of tranquility on July 20^th, 1969.  Astronauts were the “rock stars” of the 60’s and 70’s, fearlessly stepping into fragile rockets, blasting into the unknown of outer space, and then splashing down into the ocean as aircraft carriers raced to their rescue.

"Pod-people," they're out there...

     According to the CIA World Fact Book (and Wikepedia,) as of October 8^th, 2010, 526 Earthlings have been to space.  332 were Americans.  Three people have died in space.  Twelve walked on the moon… or did they?  Now, I’m not getting at a “Capricorn One” scenario here about government conspiracies and “Hollywood” style fake moon landings.  I do believe we sent people into space.  That we did, in fact, land on the moon.  That there is a monstrosity in Earth orbit called the “International Space Station.”  The question I am asking is this: Did the same people actually come back from space, or were they replaced by alien “pod-people,” substituted by a Klingon-like race of space mutants to prepare the way for a full scale invasion?

     Think about it, people.  What do astronauts do after they come back from space?  Yep, you guessed it… they go to elementary schools to “talk-up” the space program.  We’ve all seen them on local news programs.  Sitting in a classroom, answering questions posed by eager 9 year olds about “what space walks are like” and whether kids can bring their dog to space when they get old enough.  They paint pretty pictures about “space-hotels” and moon colonies and cool jetpacks to reel the kids in.  Um-hmm, what they really are, are aliens “preparing” kids for a future where they think they’re boarding a spaceship for a vacation flight to the Andromeda galaxy when in actuality they’ll end up on the menu of an inter-galactic greasy spoon.  Didn’t anyone else see the Twilight Zone classic, “To Serve Man?”  It’s a cookbook!

     And what about that crazy lady astronaut who drove from Houston to Orlando, wearing a diaper, to confront her supposed romantic rival for her astronaut “boyfriend.”  Clearly, a defective “pod-person” from Alpha Centauri.

     So what has happened to all of our astronauts?  Are they being imprisoned on some far-away planet, forced to fight in gladiatorial combats for the enjoyment of previously said space mutants, Captain Kirk style?  No, I believe they are much closer than we think.  Let me answer this important question with a question of my own.  Which major country has sat by the sidelines while the rest of us have unknowingly sent our people into the jaws of these alien predators?  Which major country out there has kept their people on the ground while our space shuttle missions have turned into international sightseeing bus trips for every balkanized nation out there that wants to conduct another boring gravity experiment that they held a nation-wide drawing for the best idea among school children for?  That’s right, it’s the ChiComs.

     Now, I can hear you already with the “wait a minute, Mr. Harrumph-man, didn’t the Chinese put six ChiComnauts into space aboard their three “Shenzhou” rockets?”  Ummm… no.  This is where the “Capricorn One”/Shanghaillywood space flight fakes come in.  Obviously, the ChiComs have faked their space program because they’re in league with the evil space mutants that have been replacing our astronauts with “pod-people…” Duh…  If you look closely at the video of their space flights you can even see the scotch tape holding the pieces of paper they use for the stage backgrounds of star fields.  Besides that, some of the outtakes are on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”  What a bunch of jabronies.

     So, if we want our astronauts back before they end up as the secret ingredient on “Galactic Iron Chef,” we had better start sending SEAL teams into China to find them.  And when we do bring them back home we had better screen them very well, just to make sure the Chinese/space mutants haven’t “double-pod-peopled” them, figuring we would find out they had them imprisoned and would send forces to liberate them, just to “rescue” pre-positioned, diversionary “pod-people” aliens.  Never trust the ChiComs.  Harrumph…