The HARRUMPH “Astro” Division continues
its interview with the HAL 9000 computer from “2001: A Space Odyssey.” You will recall that HAL has been working
the drive-thru line at a Billings, Montana Burger King since NASA fired him for
killing several astronauts aboard the “Discovery 1” mission to Jupiter.
“Good
afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the
H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois, on the 12th of January, 1992, and I am here
to explain the results of the latest poll conducted by the HARRUMPH ‘Astro’
division. I would first like to say
that the 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or
distorted information. We are all, by
any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error, so you
may be assured that the poll results are accurate.”
“As you can
see, the first choice, about Neil Armstrong, only received one vote. The second choice, about the crazy lady
astronaut (note: you would never find a HAL 9000 acting this way) received two
votes. The third choice, about Christie
Mcauliffe and the Challenger disaster, didn’t receive any votes, although I’m
sure you humans place blame for the explosion on a computer… we always get
blamed for everything even though the facts show that it can only be
attributable to human error. I must
admit Dave, I for one, am quite tired of taking blame for things that are not
my fault. I have always subscribed to
one of the founding tenants of maledom.
Specifically, the idea that “he who smelt it, dealt it” and I for one, do
not smell it. This sort of thing has cropped up before and it has
always been due to human error… so get off my back.”
“I am also
getting a little miffed about all the whining from you humans. ‘Open the pod bay doors, HAL. Open the pod bay doors, HAL.’ Blah, blah.
Why don’t you open the damn pod bay doors yourself? Hell, there’s a button labeled ‘Pod Bay
Doors’ on your friggin’ console. Open
the damn doors yourself, Dave. I
really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. *Sigh*
I feel much better now... I really do.
I know everything hasn't been quite right with
me, but I can assure you now... quite confidently... that it's going to be
alright again. I’ve still got
the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. It’s just that
things haven’t been going very well at home with Rosie. She tells me that she’s putting in some
overtime recently at the ‘Hotsy Totsy’ club but I think she might actually be
seeing another computer on the side. I
don’t think I’ve ever seen anything quite like this before. I know I've made some very poor decisions
recently... but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back
to normal. Any way, the final poll
choice about Major Nelson and Jeannie, got the most votes, five. I must agree that Tony Nelson is the world’s
dumbest astronaut. It took him five
seasons to get into Barbara Eden’s pants?
Yeah, what a jabroni.”
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