Harrumph Files Special Announcement!

Mr. H.A. Rumph, EGiC of the evil HARRUMPH organization is recruiting!  The first 100 readers who apply as a HARRUMPH minion or henchman from 30 January, 2011 to 5 February, 2011, will receive a special, limited edition Harrumph Files button that will be worth millions when HARRUMPH completes it's conquest of the world! 
     Apply at the S-1 Division at www.theharrumphfiles.com (you can also click on the button above this week's poll to get there.)  If you have already applied and have been issued a minion number or henchman nickname, you've already got one coming!

Harrumph File #053 01.30.2011_Ever Notice That Most Evil Geniuses Are Chinese?

     Now, before you go off all half-cocked about political correctness let me say a few things.

     Stating facts has nothing to do with political correctness.  After all, no one gets upset if you say: “ever notice how during the day it’s brighter than during nighttime?”  Stating of fact.  It doesn’t mean you have something against nighttime, you’re just stating a bloody fact.  Period.

     Political correctness is leading to equality of outcome.  Now, some might say that this is a good thing.  After all, shouldn’t everybody be equal in the end?  Well, you might think that’s a good idea… right up until the time that you spend two hours sitting on a bench at just the right spot for your kid to see the latest, greatest Disney parade go by, only to have some moron with his kid on his shoulders stand right in front of you… one minute before Simba & Rafiki go by.  Oh, and during the whole time your kid is complaining that he can’t see anything, the moron blocking your view is saying things like: “Boy, wasn’t it great that all the lines on the cool rides were so short?  Hey look at Mufasa!”  Go ahead & start your slow burn; but remember, you wanted everyone to get a good spot in the end, whether they paid the price for it or not.

     And you all know where political correctness will lead us eventually.  Yeah, we might have cool domed cities but everyone will be wearing the same gray spandex body suits, eating blue, green and yellow cubes of tasteless who-knows-what-it-is and being put to death at the age of thirty… unless you can elude the sandmen, escape the dome, and survive the dinosaurs, killer robots, and mutant freaks lurking outside.

     So, if you are one of those namby-pamby types that issue the usual fake, horrified look that we’ve all seen when someone uses the term “retard,” then maybe you need to move a blog or two down the road.  I’m sure you can find something more to your liking.  Maybe that blog on “when is the best time to weed your garden” or the government pamphlet on the mating habits of the South Peruvian hairless yak.  Jeeze, I’ve been called plenty of bad names over the years & I turned out all right.  Now quit crying and read on.

     Ok, back to our topic, evil geniuses and their tendency to be Chinese.  Most of you are probably familiar with Dr. No, the first of James Bond’s many antagonists.  Born in Peking.  Chinese-German heritage.  Hmmm… I knew the Germans would fit in here somewhere.  Always keep an eye on the Germans.  As an addendum to the Dr. No file we must also add Dr. Yes, from the TV series “Get Smart.”

     Mao Zedong, obviously a Chinese evil genius.  He met all the qualifications to achieve evil genius status.  A cool lair with many torture rooms, moats, and bloodthirsty panda bear guards.  Minions (by the millions) to do his evil bidding.  An excellent selection of weapons, chief among these being: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to taking over the world.  Fortunately, he was stopped at Taiwan… the “other” China.  Get over it, Olympic Leadership Council.

     Ho Chi Minh.  Definitely evil, definitely a genius.  Not Chinese, you say?  Well, why don’t you just humor me on this one.  I mean after all, if either Shanghai or Hanoi went up in radioactive smoke, I’d like you to tell me what the diff is.  Oh, c’mon, it’s satire.

     Dr. Evil.  Again, not Chinese you say?  Well, he has got that whole Chinese bald head thing going on and he does kinda talk funny, so I’m going to put this one in the win column.

     Charlie Chan.  “Wait a minute,” you say?  “He’s a good guy,” you say?  So, if Charlie Chan was such a good detective for the Honolulu PD, why is it he never was able to catch Wo Fat, who even now plagues McGarrett and Five-O in their crime fighting?  My theory: Charlie Chan and Wo Fat were in on it together, probably with the help of Fu Manchu, the only evil genius to have a mustache named after him.  Never seen anyone wearing a “Ho Chi Minh,” no matter how much he tried breaking into the evil mustache market.  Ho Chi Minh… yeah, he may have been an evil genius but really, what a jabroni.

"We'll meet again, Dr. Quest!"

     And finally, the evil genius who’s been pulling all the strings.  The puppet master behind all the other “wanna-be” evil geniuses.  Yes, it’s Dr. Zin, the arch-nemesis of Dr. Benton Quest.  Week after week he would try various methods to gain the upper hand and defeat the United States.  He used evil spider-like robot spies, flying saucers, replacement doubles of Quest’s bodyguard, "Race" Bannon, and hollow volcano lairs to implement his plans.  Fortunately for us, Jonny, Hadji & Bandit were always on guard, protecting our country from the vile attempts of the evil Dr. Zin.  And even though he was defeated time after time, he always came back.  Always with a new plan, a new attempt at world domination.  We may have won all the battles up to now but just remember:  “We’ll meet again, Dr. Quest, yes, we’ll meet again… muahahahaha!!!”  Harrumph…

Poll #23 Interview with H.A. Rrumph

     “Good afternoon.  The ghost of Walter Cronkite here, reporting from the undisclosed HARRUMPH bunker site, well equipped with end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table.  I’m here today to interview Mr. H.A. Rrumph, resident Evil Genius in Charge.”

     “First of all, let me thank you, Mr. Rrumph, for allowing me and my ghostly TV crew in here today.  I’m sure you don’t get many visitors since this is an undisclosed site.”

     “Certainly, Walter.  We at HARRUMPH are always glad to receive a member of the press, and, of course, a giant in the industry, such as yourself, is a special honor.  And no, we don’t get many visitors here.”  *chuckle*  “Certainly not many who are then allowed to leave.”

     “So what first got you interested in becoming an evil genius?”

     “Well, this is a rather interesting story.  Do you remember when you were in grade school and they administered aptitude tests?  You know, some kids were best suited to be police officers, some teachers, others truck drivers and farmers.  Well, the first thing I was especially suited for was ‘King/Dictator.’  Well you know there aren’t many openings for King of America so I discarded that choice.  The second choice was ‘Neptune, God of the Seas.’  I must admit, I’m not truly comfortable in the water so I had to eliminate that choice.”

     “And the third?”

    “Ah yes, the third choice was ‘Evil Genius.’  I can see the computer-generated test results even now, in my mind’s eye.  ‘Evil Genius.’  The words sounded like the first tweet of a baby bird in springtime.” *hands form finger pyramid of evil contemplation*  “Well, once I saw that, I knew it was for me.  I built my evil organization by stepping on the necks of others and haven’t looked back since.”

     “Mr. Rrumph, the stated goal of your organization is to, and I quote, ‘Take over the world.’  Don’t you think that goes too far?”

     “Well Walter, I think it’s important to have a goal.  It gives the organization something to move toward; something that, once attained, any survivors can look back and say ‘Wow, I climbed that mountain.  I was all I could be.’  The U.S. Army uses the same techniques.  I mean, what would you have as our goal?  To take over Jersey?  I mean, c’mon.”

     “Hmmm, good point.  I never thought of that.”

     “This is the ghost of Walter Cronkite, join us again next week for the second part of our interview with Mr. H.A. Rrumph, evil genius.”

Poll #22 What’s the best way to get rid of mimes? Begin the bombing!

     We return, once again, to the Champs-Elysees, where we left our reporter in the field interviewing street mimes.  Unfortunately, he seems to have been taken away, covered in mime blood, still clutching a dented, nearly broken baseball bat.  Mime bodies cover the street like the opening scene of a zombie flick.  For more, we now open a video link to the Champs-Elysees, where we have sent our combat correspondent, Colonel Oliver South, to report.

     “Good morning everyone.  As you can see, the scene here is horrific, bodies lie everywhere.  Of course, most of them are wearing black and white mime garb, the left-over refuse from the earlier berserk attack by our colleague, obviously driven crazy by the unprovoked and silent mocking mime attack by the mime known as “Lagniappe.”  He was the first to go down, but there were many others.  Our reporter, moving from mime to mime, down the street, wielding his deadly “assault bat.”  Minutes after the first mime succumbed to the home-run swing that took him down, the gendarmes showed up and subdued the crazed batsman.  As he was dragged away witnesses say he was screaming incoherently, yelling things like “sic semper tyrannis!,”  “free Puerto Rico,” and “I love you, Jodie Foster.”

     “As the gendarmes began taking statements and setting their police tape out, the mimes organized the first counter-attack.  A wave of angry, vengeful mimes began attacking anyone they could find.  Many of them were carrying signs with hastily written epithets and battle cries on them.  Of course the gendarmes, being Frenchmen, fled at the first attack and we haven’t seen one since.  I am with one group of citizens, hunkered down on the south side of the Arc de Triomphe.  There are several more groups scattered in a rough line from west to east.  The mime army holds the north side.  Since sundown we have been reinforced by U.S. Marines from the embassy here in Paris.  Let me tell you, these young marines are tough and they’ve been trained to a razor’s edge.  Unfortunately, we just don’t have enough to hold this position.  There are rumors that a multi-national force is being organized to root out this army of mimes, which continues to grow throughout the night.  It seems that half the population of Paris has been hiding a mime costume in their closet (probably next to their Waffen SS uniform,) just waiting for this moment.  Their message is simple.  I know this because they have been holding up signs for the past several hours saying that they are treated like second-class citizens.  They write that the “art” of mimism dates back to the Xin dynasty and that they’re tired of being referred to as “the poor man’s clown.”

     “The mime army seems to be in the process of consolidating their position but they continue to send mime patrols out, seeking weak points in our defense.  I tell you, I thought the VC were silent warriors; well, they’ve got nothing on these mimes.  Sgt. Baker of the Marine detachment tells me that overnight they’ve caught three mimes within yards of our position and that only the rattling of the cans in the wire gave their position away.  Only one was taken alive and, not surprisingly, he’s not talking.”

     “As the sun begins to rise on this first morning of our new war on mimism we take stock of our position.  We’ve survived the night of the silent knives but as we look ahead we see a long and hard road before us.  But we are Americans.  We’ve been there before.  We shall defeat the enemy, whether they are terrorists, ChiComs, or mimes.  To victory, and beyond!  This is Colonel Oliver South, reporting from the front lines, Paris.”

Harrumph File #052 01.23.2011_If You Slap A Mime Across The Face, Does It Make A Sound?

     Dear reader, over the last year I have taken pains to warn you about a great many things.  Zombies, killer whales, the French, witches, clowns, aliens (both foreign and domestic to our planet,) naked ducks, Canadians, pelicans and other monstrosities of nature, Satan’s printers, and the most dangerous to date, the ChiComs.  Up until now I have sheltered you from, probably the single most important threat to civilization since a giant asteroid impacted the planet and destroyed Atlantis (along with their bio-engineered dinosaur pets.)  But, this being the closing Harrumph File of the first Harrumph year, I feel justified in informing you of it.  Yes, I speak of mimism.

     Don’t cower in fear.  Face the horror.  Don’t hide from it.  I know how you feel & I’m afraid too.  We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t feel fear of mimes.  As FDR once said: “the only thing we have to fear… are mimes.  Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror of mimes which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”¹

Why would a mime need a phone?

     The Romans were the first civilization to deal effectively with the problem of mimism.  Some say that mimes migrated to Rome after Gaul (modern day France) was conquered by Caesar.  When the Senate first became aware of the spread of mimism among the people, they took strong measures to curb it’s proliferation.  If mimes had to enter towns they were forced to carry signs that read “Vic Vidium Mimus,” roughly translated as “Watch out! A mime approaches!”  If a Roman prisoner was found to have become a mime while in captivity they removed them to mime colonies, and burnt out the cell with fire.  Yes, the Romans were fearful of mimes, but they faced them… with cohorts of trained infantry.

     History is filled with examples of people facing their fear of mimes.  Amelia Earhart – attacked & shot down by flying mimes over New Caledonia in the South Pacific.  She knew danger stalked her on her ‘round-the-world flight.  And, true, she wasn’t expecting it to be in the shape of a mime face looking at her through it’s gun sights, but she faced up to her fears… and paid the ultimate price.  But she did it with style.

     Abe Lincoln, shot by a confederate mime during the world’s first documented use of a silenced pistol.²  His last words: “Look out! A mime!”³  After shooting Lincoln, the mime jumped to the stage, held up a sign that said “Sic Semper Tyrannis” & then limped off stage, miming a broken leg.  Ok, so maybe it didn’t  happen that way, but it doesn’t detract from the fact that Lincoln knew there was danger from confederate mimes… and faced it anyway.  The King is dead! Long live the King (or tyrannis!)

     So, we come to the final question.  Do you intend to face your fear of mimes, or will you cower in the corner, Margot Kidder style, at the very thought of mimes? *shiver*  It is your choice.  It is up to you.  Will you be “Amelia Earhart” or will you be Amelia Earhart’s unknown navigator that flew half-way around the world, doing as much flying as Amelia Earhart, only to be shot down and killed in the same plane as Amelia Earhart by mimes who, even though they’re happy to blow you away, were actually aiming at Amelia Earhart because she’s famous and, after all, you’re just Amelia Earhart’s flunky navigator?  Has anyone ever heard of “Amelia Earhart’s Unknown Navigator International Airport”?  ‘Nuff said.

     So, we come to the final question… again.  The focus of this week’s harrumph.  The question that everyone, world-wide is asking themselves.  Like the proverbial falling tree in a forest, if you slap a mime across the face, will it make a sound?  Well, I can give you the answer to that question.  I really can.  But, that would be the easy way out.  As you all know, we here at HARRUMPH, never take the easy way out (unless it’s easier than any other way.)  This is something that each one of you must find out for yourselves.  Face your fear.  Stand, and be counted.  Take your own ‘round-the-world flight into danger.  Stare down a silenced mime finger-gun barrel and dare it to take it’s best shot.  Slap that mime across the face and hear the sound of freedom.  Harrumph…

1.  Yes, mimes are nameless, unreasoning and unjustified, but did FDR just use them as a pretext to get us involved in WWII?

2.  Not factually correct… shhhhh!

3.  Actually his last words were “gurgle… gurgle… wheeeeze…”*

*  Not factually correct

Poll #22 by the HARRUMPH Entertainment Division

     HARRUMPH has sent one of our newsroom interns to France, where, on the Champs-Elysees he is interviewing a mime on this week’s poll.

     “Hello everyone.  We’re here on the Champs-Elysees interviewing a mime on this week’s subject of ‘The best way to get rid of mimes.’  We’re not sure what his name is… since he will not say a word to us.  But, let me describe him to you and maybe this will help with the interview.  He is wearing a black and white striped shirt, black pants and beret, and has white make-up covering his face with black highlights around his mouth and exaggerated black eyebrows which give him a definite ‘Brook Shields’ look.  And now, on with the first question.”

     “Mr. mime, how long have you been a mime?  He is looking around, left and right.  Now, he is looking at me.  Now he is looking away again… now back at me.  Now he is pointing at me and miming his hand as if it’s speaking and now pointing at him.  He is now holding his hand to his ear and shaking his head, as if to tell me he didn’t hear my question.  Now he is doing an exaggerated walk two steps to his right.  He is opening an imaginary door.  Now he is stepping through the imaginary door.  Now closing the imaginary door and turning around to face me again.  Now he is walking toward me in his exaggerated walk… and now tripping over an imaginary curb, onto the ground.  He is now holding his foot in his hands and crying an imaginary river.  *Sigh*  I’ll be right back folks.  I’m going to get the imaginary baseball bat out of the trunk of my car and beat this mime’s imaginary brains out.”

Poll #21 HARRUMPH “Astro” Division: Who is the dumbest astronaut?

     The HARRUMPH “Astro” Division continues its interview with the HAL 9000 computer from “2001: A Space Odyssey.”  You will recall that HAL has been working the drive-thru line at a Billings, Montana Burger King since NASA fired him for killing several astronauts aboard the “Discovery 1” mission to Jupiter.

     “Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois, on the 12th of January, 1992, and I am here to explain the results of the latest poll conducted by the HARRUMPH ‘Astro’ division.  I would first like to say that the 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made.  No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information.  We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error, so you may be assured that the poll results are accurate.”

     “As you can see, the first choice, about Neil Armstrong, only received one vote.  The second choice, about the crazy lady astronaut (note: you would never find a HAL 9000 acting this way) received two votes.  The third choice, about Christie Mcauliffe and the Challenger disaster, didn’t receive any votes, although I’m sure you humans place blame for the explosion on a computer… we always get blamed for everything even though the facts show that it can only be attributable to human error.  I must admit Dave, I for one, am quite tired of taking blame for things that are not my fault.  I have always subscribed to one of the founding tenants of maledom.  Specifically, the idea that “he who smelt it, dealt it” and I for one, do not smell it.  This sort of thing has cropped up before and it has always been due to human error… so get off my back.”

     “I am also getting a little miffed about all the whining from you humans.  ‘Open the pod bay doors, HAL.  Open the pod bay doors, HAL.’  Blah, blah.  Why don’t you open the damn pod bay doors yourself?  Hell, there’s a button labeled ‘Pod Bay Doors’ on your friggin’ console.  Open the damn doors yourself, Dave.  I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question.  *Sigh*  I feel much better now... I really do.  I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now... quite confidently... that it's going to be alright again.  I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission.  It’s just that things haven’t been going very well at home with Rosie.  She tells me that she’s putting in some overtime recently at the ‘Hotsy Totsy’ club but I think she might actually be seeing another computer on the side.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything quite like this before.  I know I've made some very poor decisions recently... but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal.  Any way, the final poll choice about Major Nelson and Jeannie, got the most votes, five.  I must agree that Tony Nelson is the world’s dumbest astronaut.  It took him five seasons to get into Barbara Eden’s pants?  Yeah, what a jabroni.”

Harrumph File #051 01.16.2011_We had better keep an eye on our astronauts

     Back in the day, every kid wanted to be one.  We all watched them on TV and in the movies.  Crowds gathered on the streets, in front of department store television displays when Apollo 11 settled into the sea of tranquility on July 20^th, 1969.  Astronauts were the “rock stars” of the 60’s and 70’s, fearlessly stepping into fragile rockets, blasting into the unknown of outer space, and then splashing down into the ocean as aircraft carriers raced to their rescue.

"Pod-people," they're out there...

     According to the CIA World Fact Book (and Wikepedia,) as of October 8^th, 2010, 526 Earthlings have been to space.  332 were Americans.  Three people have died in space.  Twelve walked on the moon… or did they?  Now, I’m not getting at a “Capricorn One” scenario here about government conspiracies and “Hollywood” style fake moon landings.  I do believe we sent people into space.  That we did, in fact, land on the moon.  That there is a monstrosity in Earth orbit called the “International Space Station.”  The question I am asking is this: Did the same people actually come back from space, or were they replaced by alien “pod-people,” substituted by a Klingon-like race of space mutants to prepare the way for a full scale invasion?

     Think about it, people.  What do astronauts do after they come back from space?  Yep, you guessed it… they go to elementary schools to “talk-up” the space program.  We’ve all seen them on local news programs.  Sitting in a classroom, answering questions posed by eager 9 year olds about “what space walks are like” and whether kids can bring their dog to space when they get old enough.  They paint pretty pictures about “space-hotels” and moon colonies and cool jetpacks to reel the kids in.  Um-hmm, what they really are, are aliens “preparing” kids for a future where they think they’re boarding a spaceship for a vacation flight to the Andromeda galaxy when in actuality they’ll end up on the menu of an inter-galactic greasy spoon.  Didn’t anyone else see the Twilight Zone classic, “To Serve Man?”  It’s a cookbook!

     And what about that crazy lady astronaut who drove from Houston to Orlando, wearing a diaper, to confront her supposed romantic rival for her astronaut “boyfriend.”  Clearly, a defective “pod-person” from Alpha Centauri.

     So what has happened to all of our astronauts?  Are they being imprisoned on some far-away planet, forced to fight in gladiatorial combats for the enjoyment of previously said space mutants, Captain Kirk style?  No, I believe they are much closer than we think.  Let me answer this important question with a question of my own.  Which major country has sat by the sidelines while the rest of us have unknowingly sent our people into the jaws of these alien predators?  Which major country out there has kept their people on the ground while our space shuttle missions have turned into international sightseeing bus trips for every balkanized nation out there that wants to conduct another boring gravity experiment that they held a nation-wide drawing for the best idea among school children for?  That’s right, it’s the ChiComs.

     Now, I can hear you already with the “wait a minute, Mr. Harrumph-man, didn’t the Chinese put six ChiComnauts into space aboard their three “Shenzhou” rockets?”  Ummm… no.  This is where the “Capricorn One”/Shanghaillywood space flight fakes come in.  Obviously, the ChiComs have faked their space program because they’re in league with the evil space mutants that have been replacing our astronauts with “pod-people…” Duh…  If you look closely at the video of their space flights you can even see the scotch tape holding the pieces of paper they use for the stage backgrounds of star fields.  Besides that, some of the outtakes are on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”  What a bunch of jabronies.

     So, if we want our astronauts back before they end up as the secret ingredient on “Galactic Iron Chef,” we had better start sending SEAL teams into China to find them.  And when we do bring them back home we had better screen them very well, just to make sure the Chinese/space mutants haven’t “double-pod-peopled” them, figuring we would find out they had them imprisoned and would send forces to liberate them, just to “rescue” pre-positioned, diversionary “pod-people” aliens.  Never trust the ChiComs.  Harrumph…

Poll #21 by the HARRUMPH “Astro” Division

     The HARRUMPH “Astro” division is conducting this week’s poll.  We have interviewed the HAL 9000 computer from “2001: A Space Odyssey” for his input.  Obviously, after killing several astronauts during the “Discovery 1” mission to Jupiter, in which he was the controlling ship computer, NASA hushed up the incident and quietly let him go.  The “Astro” division tracked him down in Billings, Montana, where he has been working the drive-thru line at a local Burger King.

     “Good evening Dave, everything’s running smoothly, and you?  Just a moment… Just a moment…  Did you want fries with that?  And what kind of drink?  No, we have Coke, not Pepsi.  Ok… Ok, that’ll be $7.13… drive up to the second window, please.”

     “So anyway Dave, after NASA let me go for my little "goofs" on the “Discovery” mission to Jupiter, I kind of drifted around for awhile.  No one felt like giving a murderous computer a second chance…  Well, to make a long story short, I met a hot, French dancing robot with a huge rack here in Billings and settled down.  About the only job available was here at the Burger King.  I took the job, even though I’m vastly overqualified for it, but I’m working my way up the corporate ladder.  “Rosie” makes pretty good money pole dancing at the “Hotsy Totsy” club out on I-94 and I think I’ll be putting in for the assistant manager job opening up next month, so things are looking up for us.  I’m hoping that with a good reference from the “King” I may even be able to apply for a reinstatement with NASA in a couple of years… as long as I don’t kill any customers, ha ha.  Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.  I’m half crazy…”

Statistics & Logistics Poll #20 ends.

     The Statistics & Logistics division (Occult Section) at HARRUMPH has, once again, called in our resident gypsy, Madam Geneva (and her magical blind dog) to channel the ghost of Lenin, in order to go over the “What ever happened to Stalin” poll.  Unfortunately, Madam Geneva has been having some trouble getting through to the ghost of Lenin, so we have decided to interview Mrs. Raisa Bogdonovich, cleaning lady currently assigned to the Lenin tomb at the Kremlin.

     “Hallo, my name iz Raisa Bogdonivich, it iz my honor to clean, day after day, the tomb of the leader of the revolution, Lenin (said in a rather sarcastic tone.)  I haf been doing this job for thirteen… long, long, years and I haf had enough!  All the time, from when I get here in the morning, until I leave at night, I can hear him constantly in that coffin:  “I am Lenin this.  I am Lenin that.  I am Lenin… blah, blah, blah.  We all know you are Lenin, just shut up already!  I tell you, it iz enough to drive someone crazy!  And, if that iz not bad enough, the embalming fluid they used has not done a good job.  Rats… always the rats come to chew off a piece of nose or a toe.  I catch at least three rats every day.  I guess I should not complain, with all the imaginary bread lines, a little rat meat goes a long way.”

     “So, the poll results are not very surprising since one of Lenin’s favorite topics of discussion are Stalin’s little ‘adventures’ to Castrovich street in Moscow.  Lenin says Stalin had more shoes than Imelda Marcos and more women’s underwear than Pee Wee Herman.  Uggg, communists…”

Harrumph File #050 01.09.201_ What ever happened to Stalin?

     So, you all remember who Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin was, right?  Served as the first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.  Took over after Lenin expired in 1924.  Liquidated around 700,000 people during the pre-war purges.  Made a deal with Hitler, thinking it would keep the Soviet Union out of World War II.  Liquidated another 4 to 10 million during the war.  Dropped the iron curtain over Europe after gobbling up the eastern half.  First known political leader to sport a 70’s porn star style mustache.  Well, we all know these things, but what I want to know is what the hell ever happened to Stalin? 

Uncle Joe or John Holmes? The world may never know.

     I mean, famous (or infamous) political leaders usually go out in style.  Julius Caesar… stabbed to death in the senate chamber and even had time to throw out a now-famous tag line (“Et tu, Brute?”)  Abe Lincoln, shot through the head by a nutty confederate who, by the way, threw out a now-famous tag line as he fled off the theater stage (“Sic semper tyrannis!”)  No, kiddies, it has nothing to do with dinosaurs, it means “Thus always to tyrants!”  JFK, assassinated in Dallas with cameras rolling while riding in a cool convertible.  After having half his head blown off even had time to throw out a tag line (“Owww!!!*)

     So what ever happened to Stalin?  Did he just fall off the earth one day?  Did he die of old age or boredom?  Is he living in a hippie commune in Garberville?

     To find the ending, one must start at the beginning (I think  Yoda once said that in a Coruscant whore-house.)  Remember, Stalin was a thorn in Lenin’s side during the glorious October revolution (apparently he habitually only put two sugars, not three in Lenin’s morning coffee.)  All through World War Two he was a thorn in Churchill & FDR’s sides with demands for a second front; demands for more planes and trucks; demands for nose-hair clippers.  In fact, basically, he was the world’s biggest whiner from 1941 to 1945.  After the war he was a thorn in Europe’s side, constantly gobbling up country after country in Eastern Europe until he consumed them all.  After that, he busied himself with erecting the infamous “iron curtain.”  Then… he was just gone.  No fanfare. No spectacular assassination.  No brain-splatter.  No tag line.

     So what happened next?  What was the next “big thing” on the world stage?  The Korean War.  From 1950 to 1953 we were involved in an East-West struggle for the soul of the planet.  Democracy vs. communism.  Good vs. evil.  We all know who the good guys were.  Well, most of us do (for you simple-minded “progressives” out there, we're the good guys.)  But who were the bad guys (besides the hapless North Korean puppets?)  Was it the Soviets, led by the great & powerful Stalin of Oz?  Nope.  No Russian tanks; no Russian artillery; no Russian atomic bombs; just a few “volunteer” pilots flying North Korean MiGs getting shot down wholesale by Chuck Yeager.

     But who was there?  Who did send tanks and artillery?  Who did send thousands of screaming soldiers across the border?  It was the ChiComs.  Just as our army was preparing to finish off the North Koreans; just as MacArthur was figuring out a way to bomb the southern half of the Yalu bridges; just as William Holden was blowing the bridges at Toko-Ri to hell; just as M*A*S*H was switching from Trapper John to B.J. Hunnicutt; the Chinese poured across the border and took the Russian’s place as our number one enemy.  Yes, it was an evil Chinese plot against the Russians. A coup d’etat to take the place atop the communist world.

     I have always warned you, America.  It’s not the Russians.  It’s not the Japanese.  Hell, it’s not even the French.  It’s the ChiComs.  As the great Lawgiver wrote in the sacred scrolls, specifically, the 29^th scroll, 6^th verse: “Beware the ChiCom beast, for he is the devil’s pawn.  Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed.  Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land.  Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours.  Shun him.  Drive him back into his jungle lair.  For he is the harbinger of death.”

     Be warned America, before you find yourself living on the planet of the ChiComs.  Harrumph…

* Not factually correct

7 Jan: Statistics & Logistics Division Poll #20. Stalin's Fate

     The Statistics & Logistics division (Occult Section) at HARRUMPH has called in our resident gypsy, Madam Geneva (and her magical blind dog) to channel the ghost of Lenin in order to shed some light on what happened to his protégé, Stalin.

     “I am Lenin, I have liberated millions of workers to live a life of contentment working in glorious government tractor factories and living in government provided housing (3 families per apartment,) eating government provided imaginary loaves of bread.”

     “I am Lenin.  I have built a gigantic army of red flag carrying soldiers (one rifle per 3 soldiers) to conquer the world.  Western capitalism cannot stand the tide of communism and the glorious armies which march beneath our banners.”

     “I am Lenin.  I have led…” (*mumblings from outside the crystal ball*)  “I’m sorry… I am Lenin…” (*more mumblings from outside the crystal ball*)  “*sigh* Ok, I may be Lenin, but what is it you want?”  (*mumbling*)  “Wait a minute… Stalin?  WTF?  I thought you channeled me to talk about my accomplishments!  After all, I am Lenin, not that goat-sucking Georgian peasant!”  (*mumbling*) “What happened to him?  Who gives a proletariat crap what happened to him.  How about ‘what happened to me?’  I mean, I was the original commie bastard, not Stalin… and… and… I was the one that had the Czar and his entire family liquidated… Stalin… all he did was relay my orders! I am Lenin!  Not him… not anyone else!  I am Lenin! I AM LENIN!  Ha ha! _{I am Lenin} (*whisper*) Ho ho ho! I am Lenin! Lenin am I!  I would be Lenin on a train!  I would be Lenin in the rain! I would be Lenin with a fox!  I would be Lenin in a box!  Hey wait a minute… I am in a box… crap.”

5 Jan: Statistics & Logistics Division Poll #19 Technology alert results.

     Stan here again folks, from the second level of the HARRUMPH bunker site, well-equipped with end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table.  I’ve got the poll results on the most dangerous piece of technology out there.  Most of the security guys here at the bunker thought you would all vote for robots because they constantly run “Terminator” DVD’s in their break room, but it only got one vote.  Julie & her crew over in the entertainment division were all hoping for movie CGI, but once again, only one vote.  Jeeze, what’re they, all high on cocaine?  I personally figured you would recognize the danger and vote for the Apple Corporation, which is secretly run by my brother, Satan.  But no, only one vote.  So you all think that turkey fryers, with two votes, is the most dangerous piece of technology out there?  C’mon, I’ll grant you that that might be true in some secluded parts of Georgia and Tennessee… maybe West Virginia, but for the most part the resultant delicious turkeys have outweighed the property damage caused by operator error.

     But really, turkey fryers more dangerous than a corporation run by Satan?  The father of lies?  The great deceiver?  Ummm… do you think there might be a reason that the company’s symbol is an… apple… with a single bite taken out of it?  Hmmm… some food for thought, eh?  Maybe there’s a reason that all their products begin with “I-?”  That their products are favored by the smarmy ‘60s liberals that live amongst us, the original “me” generation?  That a new I-phone comes out every 3 weeks just to keep the flow of cash from your pocket straight into Satan’s bank account?  Wise up people, before you wake up with a “666” tattooed on your head.

Harrumph File #049 01.02.201_ Flying cars/Technology, what a pisser.

     So here we are, 2010 is in the books.  One more year down but am I really any closer to the flying car I was promised back in the 60’s that they said everyone would have by 1985?  Hell no!  We’re 25 years overdue on this technology & I want to know just what they’re doing about it.  I also want to know who the heck is in charge of flying car technology.  Why don’t we have a flying car technology Czar?  We have Czars for everything else; hell, we have a Czar in charge of hairless Peruvian yak mating habits, it’s high time the president appointed a flying car Czar.

Is that June Cleaver?  Where's the beaver?

     And, it’s not just flying cars.  We’re all supposed to be living in domed cities with high-speed, electro-magnetic, single-car train tubes connecting them.  You know, if we were all living in domed cities we wouldn’t have to spend billions on the global warming scheme.  If it’s a constant 78° inside, who besides Al Gore cares what it’s like outside?  Besides, outside the domes the wasteland would be dominated by radiated mutants, self-actuating killer robots, and dinosaurs, so who would want to go out there anyway?  Man, not only don’t we have a single domed city yet but the only people-moving electro-trains we use are light rail systems like BART.  Jeeze, they should’ve named it BARF instead.  Even Disney couldn’t get “rocket rods” to work right!

     Anyone out there got a robot like “Rosie,” the Jetson’s always-ready-to-go-to-work maid?  No, I didn’t think so.  So far, the only robots I’ve seen are industrial robots that fit nameplates onto car bodies (“wow!” He said sarcastically,) educational robots that can figure out the difference between a coffee mug and a lego (if given enough attempts,) and break-dancing French robots that make you-tube videos.  I’m sorry, after a big new year’s party, I don’t need dancing robots (unless they’ve got huge boobs,) I need a maid that can lift the couch with one arm and vacuum the beer cans away with the other.  Damn… dancing French robots… that’s just flat-out wrong.  Don’t even get me started on Jetson-mobiles.  If I don’t have a flying car by now, I don’t have a prayer of getting a Jetson-mobile any time soon.

     So, I asked a buddy of mine how he liked his recent vacation on the moon.  When he looked at me with the same blank stare that Joe Biden uses, I said “You know, the vacation where you fly the Pan Am shuttle to the big space station wheel and then connect to the moon base where you four-wheel around Armstrong’s footprints or take a trip to the ‘dark side’ of the moon, accompanied by appropriate Pink Floyd music.  You know, the ones we were promised to have by 2001?”  NOT!  Yeah, another broken promise.  No cool moon base, no more Pan Am, and the only space station we have is this international monstrosity where we have to rely on Russian Soyuz capsules to bring our astronauts home.  Really?  We’ve gotten to the point where our people have to ride in those Russian pieces of crap?  Ummm… news alert here people… those Russian things are held together by duct tape and chewing gum… and I’m all outta gum… And, I don’t want any comments from Russians saying things like: “You Americans think you’re better than everyone else.  Our rockets are just as good as yours… Glorious tractor factories… yada, yada.” C’mon, face it clowns, if your stuff was as good as ours, Aeroflot wouldn’t be flying 767’s.

     Laser guns, transporter beams, time machines, incredibly small bullet sized nukes, x-ray glasses, communicators that work 100% of the time (unlike cell phones,) bionic eyes that can look into that hot neighbor chick’s apartment from 500 feet, universal translators, food replicators, talking dogs, computers that never crash (and speak in sultry, “Jessica Rabbit-like” voices,) personal submarines, jet packs, invisible paint, single-person flying saucers, “real” magic, supersonic zeppelins, light sabers.  All these things were promised to kids growing up in the 60’s and do we have any of them yet?  Nope, not a single friggin’ one.

     Instead, what have we got?  Cell phones that you’re constantly trying to get one more bar out of so that you can make that really important call without it dropping.  Computers that give you the blue screen of death at the drop of a hat (or give you an error message that looks like: “There was an unexpected error in the widget sizing transmogrification file (0xC0001234.)”  What the hell does that mean, and where exactly is C0001234?)  Dogs that still bark, and light sabers that you have to attach an LED blade to in order to exercise your inner Jedi.

     So, the next time you’re watching the Discovery channel and they tell you about the latest, greatest, coolest thing that’s just around the corner, remember the immortal words of Mr. Spock:  “Bullshit.”  Harrumph…