Harrumph File #040 10.31.2010_ Ok, So it’s Zombie Apocalypse; what do I do?

     "And now an update to this week’s top story. As you know, for the past three days a series of horrific murders have swept across the globe.  At first, it was attributed to mass hysteria, or some kind of sleeper cell activity.  However, in the past 12 hours several facts have come out that dispute these early theories.  The assailants, if that is what we can call them, appear to be devouring the flesh of those that they kill.  Reports of dead relatives appearing at family homes, and attacking the occupants, are widespread.  Earlier this week, the President sent a series of initiatives to Congress to deal with this now out-of-control problem. I’m getting another update… please… wait one minute… this is incredible… Ladies and gentlemen, the CDC in Atlanta has confirmed… that… the bodies of the recently deceased are reanimating and attacking the living...  This appears to be a world-wide phenomenon. Martial law has now been declared in all 50 states. The Federal Government is establishing a series of “rescue stations,” mostly at military bases, throughout the country.  A list of these will continue to scroll at the bottom of the screen for as long as we stay on the air... The government has declared that all private residences are to be evacuated, no matter how well stocked and defended..."

     Ok, so it’s Zombie Apocalypse; what do I do?  Well, if this is the first time you’ve ever heard of Zombie Apocalypse, or if you have heard of it, but figured it would never happen… well there’s really only one thing you can do… bend over and kiss your dumb ass goodbye.  You see, this is one news broadcast that we hope we never hear.  Well, ok, maybe I’m hoping to hear this broadcast, but I mean all the rest of you don’t want to hear it.  And why do you dread this particular news broadcast?  Simple, because you haven’t prepared for it.

     So what exactly is Zombie Apocalypse?  If you’ve seen any of George Romero’s zombie films then you already have an idea.  Now, I don’t want you to confuse them with any of those stupid new-fangled zombie movies that have come out recently, where the zombies are running or crawling on walls & ceilings.  See Harrumph File #002 for more information on those monstrosities.  I’m talking about those shambling, bumbling ex-humans that come back from the dead with an insatiable appetite for human flesh.

     So, you ask: how does Zombie Apocalypse begin?  Government experiment gone wrong?  Alien space virus?  Wrath of God?  My position: who really cares?  I mean, with a hundred hungry ghouls boxing you into a corner, what difference does it make?  I know, I know, there’s a certain segment of you out there that just has to have every “i” dotted & every “t” crossed, so let’s just say… it’s the Chinese.  Yeah, certainly a plausible explanation.  Those pesky ChiComs were working on some new biological agent to use on our boys in the coming war between us & them and, whoops… it kinda got away from them.

     Of course, once the zombie virus “gets out,” our ability to fix the problem gets worse with each passing day.  With all the dead people rising from their graves to feast upon our warm bodies, the ability of the government to, first try to control, then try to contain, and finally to try to destroy the zombie horde is overwhelmed.  And, as the living come in contact with the dead, obviously more and more of the living are eaten or bitten, and thus “our” numbers diminish, while “their” numbers rise.

     So, rule #1: Don’t rely on the government to save your ass… just ask anyone from the “Big Easy” about that.  When you see those lists of “rescue stations” scrolling along the bottom of the T.V., save your pencil lead.  Basically, all the government is doing by evacuating people to so-called “rescue stations” is setting up a gigantic smorgasbord for the living dead.

     Rule #2:  Don’t go to the mall.  Come on, we’ve seen what happens there.  Remember, zombies are, somehow attracted to the mall because it was an important place in their lives, so that’s where their rudimentary memory will send them.  Besides, there are way too many windows in malls and all it takes is one zombie with a rock or a club and your “paradise” turns into a rat trap… and you’re the rat!  Oh, and for those of you thinking about your neighborhood Costco… can you think of a better place for a “rescue station?”  No, and neither will the government.  So, go there and you get the Costco size zombie horde.

     Rule #3:  You don’t need a gigantic arsenal of weapons to defend yourself.  No, I know you might want that really cool .300 Weatherby Magnum, sporting a 12 power Leupold scope with an auto drop compensating mil-dot reticle, but you don’t really need it.  Come on, you’re not going to be popping zombie heads at a thousand yards… all you’re going to do is waste expensive ammo & attract any zombie within hearing distance.  A good battle carbine, a shotgun, & a couple of reliable pistols is all you need… and lots of ammo.

     Rule #4:  Board your house up and lay low until you can implement rule #5.  Now, when I say “board your house up,” I mean from the outside.  Too many movie people board the windows up on the inside… ummm, I think we all know that if zombies are pushing on a boarded-up window it would be much stronger if they were pushing the nails in, instead of out, hmmm?  So give your rifle to the wife, grab your boards & hammer, and get those windows closed up fast.  Once you’re done with that, gather your supplies, go upstairs, and wait it out for a few days.  And don’t turn any lights on!

     Ok, here’s the last rule… rule #5.  This is the one that if you can manage to pull it off, you will be the first president of the resurrected (sorry, pun intended) United States of America.  Rule #5:  Transportation.  Yeah, you may have boarded up your house, but sooner or later you’re gonna inadvertently turn a flash light on (remember what happened when those kids lit up the T-rex in “Jurrasic Park?”) or have to subdue a loud, hysterical member of your group with a just as loud slap across the face, or just fart too loud, and this will bring zombies down on your house faster than you can say “oh, crap.”

     So, the best bet is to get out of Dodge when you feel the timing is right.  You’ve got to head for the hills: not too many zombies and not too many roving bands of motorcycle gangs looking for loot.  And here’s the kicker: the best transport?  Armored car.  Give it a couple of weeks into Zombie Apocalypse and I’m sure you’ll find one somewhere.  Most regular people will have already been eaten by then and the average person nowadays won’t think about using the armored car for a safe house… they’ll just think about taking the bags of now-worthless money.  You’ll be the king of zombieland.  They can’t tip it over & they can’t get in to eat you.  You can fire away at them from inside & even drive over them if they get in your way.  And if you get tired?  Sleep your troubles away in perfect zombie-free safety.

     So remember these lessons and you too may survive Zombie Apocalypse when it happens.  Oh, and me?  Well, maybe we’ll meet up somewhere in the mountains, safe from the zombie hordes, next to a clean lake with plenty of game and fresh water.  Look for me, ‘cause I’ll be looking for you… through the 12 power Leupold scope on my really cool .300 Weatherby Magnum, sporting an auto drop compensating mil-dot reticle…  Harrumph…

 

Armory division poll

     The Armory division of the HARRUMPH organization will be conducting a poll on the best anti-zombie weapon out there.  In order to do this we would like to introduce a guest speaker: Colonel Trowbridge, VC, KBE, DSO, DCM, formerly of the British Army.

     “Right… let me introduce myself.  Colonel Trowbridge, 1^st Lancashire Fusiliers.  You may remember this bit of a tiff we had back in ’39 against a chap named Hitler.  Well, I’m here to tell you that he wasn’t the only bloody wanker we had to deal with.  My war was in the jungles of Burma against the Japanese.  Nasty business, that.  I remember one particular undertaking, must’ve been early ’43… February, I believe.  We began “Operation Longcloth” with 3000 Chindits, lead by the legendary Brigadier Wingate, a rather cheeky fellow with the odd habit of wearing a raw onion around his neck.  Well, we started off…” (*muffled voice from off-page*)… “I’m sorry, what’s that?”  (*muffled voice*)  “Oh, sorry.  Got a bit off subject.  Right, back to the business at hand, what?”

     “So, I’ve been asked to go over a few ideas on what would be the best weapon to use against a fictitious zombie horde.  Right, zombies.  Filthy creatures really, usually all cocked-up but still can be quite dangerous if you’re not careful.  Rather like this one time I was stationed in Calcutta.  I had just been promoted Captain and was seconded to 12^th Army Headquarters, working on the plan to open up the Burma Road.  The original plan was worked up by this nobheaded Major who seemed to think it was more important to listen to Winston on ‘Auntie’ and get roaring drunk every night, than to actually do his job.

     Well, one day the General tells this gobbin that he’s got to have the plan by the next morning so that he could present it to Lord Mountbatten.  Well, of course he hasn’t done anything for the two weeks he’s been responsible for formulating the invasion of Burma, and in a wild panic he ends up hiring a troop of Indian acrobats, who happened to be relatives of the maitre D’ in the officer’s mess, to work all night on the order.  Well, after an all night drunk he, of course, delivers to the General this dodgy plan written in urdu, being the official language of Jammu and Kashmir, which is where the acrobats were originally from… bloody wogs… they even delivered this poor inebriated chap to the General’s office wearing a pair of knickers on his head that they had secured in a raid on the nurses quarters of the local RAF base.”  (*muffled voice from off-page*)…  “I say, what was that?”  (*muffled voice*)  “Anti-zombie weapons?  Oh, right.  Go with the shotgun, what?”

“G” Section wretched/vile creature poll results

     Well, several of us down here in “G” Section are a bit miffed.  We thought for sure that skunks and dung beetles would’ve received a little more support in this poll.  After all, they are both vile and wretched.  However, both received zero votes so we guess they’re just not vile enough for you.  Now, fly maggots and Keith Olbermann tied for the most vile and wretched creatures on earth & we tend to agree with you.  We all know that fly maggots are icky.  They’ve appeared in quite a few movies over the years, causing many “ewww” moments.  As far as Olbermann goes, well, he also causes many “ewww” moments, but, according to our research, nobody sees them.  Apparently, the only people watching his show are the hosts of the other shows on MSNBC that nobody watches.  And, according to our research, much of their time is actually spent watching FOX News.  Well, guess that proves that even an idiot gets it right every once in a while.

     So, we’re busy down here preparing our new “tools” and procedures based on your input.  The galley is busy whipping up a new “maggot” soup for the penalty block inmates and we’ve been busy working on our new “Olbermann 2.0” clone (version 1.0 came out of the vat gibbering incoherently so we sold him to MSNBC to use “on screen” when the real Olbermann is on vacation…we’re pretty sure any “progressives” who happen to tune in while 1.0 is on won’t be able to tell the difference.)  2.0 is doing pretty good so far.  He’s already learned much of the Olbermann dictionary that we filtered off of his program (i.e.: “Fox news…Fox news…squawk!” and “worstest…worstier…worstimost.”)  With any luck, he’ll be ready to torture anti-evil forces before the real Olbermann grows a brain!

Harrumph File #039 10.24.2010_ Pelicans, WTF?

     Alright, so you’ve seen the title and you’re thinking to yourself, “just what does this clown have against pelicans?  Maybe he was attacked by a pelican when he was a child?  Did a pelican steal the trophy fish he was just about to land in a fishing contest?  Perhaps a pelican dropped a “bomb” on his brand new car?  Maybe, it was a pelican getting into the garbage at his sea side beach house back in ’79, strewing crap all over the place and causing a huge problem with the neighbors, especially that blond with the huge rack?” *head shaking* Pffffft!!  Oh well, that’s for another time.

That's one angry pelican!

     No, it’s just that every time I see a pelican I think, “what the f*#k?  Where did that monstrosity of nature come from?”  Think about it, in every cartoon that you’ve seen a pelican in, what are they?  They’re not the hero, flying to the rescue of some shapely girl-mouse… no, that’s reserved for mighty mice with capes… that can fly anywhere to save the day.  They’re not the evil antagonist… that’s usually reserved for monkeys or coyotes.  They’re never the hero’s faithful assistant… those are usually pant-less ducks or weird dog-like things that live in houses and have sons but never is there any mention of a wife or girlfriend dog-like thing and even if there was one he wouldn’t know what to do with her… gawrsh… (*more head shaking.*)

     Yeah, you know what’s left.  Pelicans can only be the funny man… the clown that the hero cartoons run into halfway through the movie, for a little comic relief.  Flying into closed windows they thought were open; running down a pier, tripping and waddling like a drunken sailor; saying something that sounds like gibberish… and then finding out that the reason the hero can’t understand him is because there’s a couple of fish in his pouch that he didn’t realize were there.  Duh… Pelicans, sheesh…

     So, just where did pelicans come from?  And, don’t say “the stork” because they’re almost as bad as pelicans.  I’ve never seen a stork wearing a delivery hat or carrying a jar of pickles… ever!  Pelicans… obviously rendered in some far corner of God’s workshop.  Made up of spare parts no self-respecting creature would have.  What’s that? Are you doubting that God has a workshop where he designs, plans, and has his minions build each and every new creature on earth?  Ummm, have you ever heard the saying about things being discarded on the “dustbin of history?”  C’mon, you can’t have a dustbin without a workshop to create that dust!

   And you know, just by looking at pelicans and other weird creatures, you can figure out that God’s workshop minions must have a sense of humor!  One word… duck-billed platypus.  Ok, it might be three words… or two words, depending on whether you count hyphenated words as one or two, but it doesn’t detract from the fact that duck-billed platypuses are just plain wrong!  Camels.  Why are there some that have one hump and some that have two?  Really, what’s the point?  Why can’t all camels just have one hump?  I mean, what would we really be losing there?  And for those of you that still refuse to believe me, then why aren’t there any three humped camels, huh?  The only way to explain this anomaly?  God elves.  Yeah, maybe Santa’s elves are better known, but I’m convinced that a group of elves must’ve gotten lost and ended up at the wrong workshop.  Well, what do you think God would do with these navigationally challenged elves?  Send them away?  No, I’m sure he put them to work & took a long deserved vaca.  With God gone at the all-inclusive beach resort, they’re the ones making these monstrosities up.  In all honesty, I think God had better put a drug and alcohol policy into effect before we start seeing things down here made up of left over arms, legs, and used Pabst Blue Ribbon cans.

     Let me address God’s elves directly:  Look, I know you guys are having a lot of fun; a nice place to live, trampolines & boobs galore, using God’s credit card for Chinese take-out, but this has to stop.  Stop drinking PBR for a few minutes and look at what you’re doing!  You’re populating the planet with monsters!  God forbid you get hold of some old 1950’s 16mm movies about aliens & stuff.  Who knows what’ll come out of your warped little minds.  Anyone ever seen “Zontar, the Thing from Venus?”  Ewww, gross.  You guys have got to be responsible for a change.  What do you think God will do when he gets home & finds the mess you’ve made?  Just ask Noah about that one.  So what do you say, a little less beer and a little more responsibility, huh?

     And, hey, if you elves are taking requests, my wife is still waiting to get a miniature giraffe like the one we saw on that DirecTV commercial.   Harrumph…

Research & Development division (“G” Section) poll

     Hello everyone, “G” Section here again.  We’ve been conducting experiments on some new “toys” down here on sub-level B for our upcoming operations that we may be conducting on more than one continent.

     One of our favorites came about quite by accident last week.  The armory just got in a crate of brand new gatling guns and they sent them down, asking us to see if we could put them to good use.  Oh yeah, we love gatling guns.  Well… just as we pulled the crate out of the elevator, this Roomba autonomous robotic vacuum bumps into the crate and well, I guess it just was a match made in heaven.  This thing is great!  12,000 rounds a minute & the thing automatically cleans up the brass!

     So, to get to this week’s poll, we’ve been considering using some of nature’s very own vile & wretched creatures in various rolls:  interrogation, area denial, prisoner food, etc.

Slimy maintenance division poll ends.

     So, our poll on slimy things has ended in a tie.  As you can see, Sea Cucumbers & Jello only got one vote each.  We’re kinda surprised at that because both are pretty slimy… have you ever seen what happens when you squeeze a sea cucumber?  Yuck.  Jello’s pretty slimy too, but it is delicious, and it’s pretty fun to have a Jello fight every now & then.  It’s just the clean up that sucks.  Used car salesmen and that clown Olbermann tied for the win as the slimiest things around.  Well, we all know that used car salesmen are slimy… you can’t walk off a car lot without wanting to take a shower, but we all thought that Olbermann would edge them out in the end.

     You know, one of our favorite pastimes down here in the maintenance department (besides watching football & some ice cold PBR!) is to turn his show on with the sound off (there’s nothing worth hearing from that idiot, anyway) and then put a recording from the old Ren & Stimpy show on for sound.  Hahaha, what a gas.  Even Stimpy makes more sense than Olbermann!  Speaking of Olbermann, one of our apprentices was sweeping down on sub-level B and he swears he saw him shuffling along the corridor saying “brains… brains…”  At first he thought that he ran into one of “G” section’s monsters, but everyone knows that zombies can’t speak, so it really must’ve been that idiot Olbermann looking for something to fill the void between his ears!

     On another note, we still haven’t located the Roomba or that crate of gatling guns yet & the EGiC is pretty steamed about it.  Says he’s getting tired of finding dust bunnies under his La-Z-Boy… something about a “ChiCom” plot…

Harrumph File #038 10.17.2010_ Global Cooling / Warming / Climate Change / Disruption (or Why Al Gore is such a jabroni)

King of the jabronies

     Antarctica shrinking. Maldives Islands sinking. Iceland being renamed “Waterland.”  Polar bears drifting on tiny icebergs that couldn’t sink a jet ski.  Bigger spiders (yuck!)  Tornados. Killer hurricanes.  Tsunamis.  Incredible shrinking Scottish sheep.  What do all these things have in common?  Why, Global Cooling / Warming / Climate Change / Disruption, of course.

     You remember this phenomenon, don’t you?  It all started back in the ‘70s when some pot-smoking lib scientist cooked up the whole idea to get government funding to support his drug habit.  Probably was some pointy-headed jabroni of a professor from Berkeley looking for a few bucks from the feds while still acting like a “teacher” by putting out an official looking paper on a new crisis.  Gotta have a crisis; the feds love a good crisis… if only he could come up with one.  War crisis?  No, people were tired of Vietnam.  Oil crisis?  Nah, people were still in line on that one.  Population crisis?  No, N.O.W. was already on top of that one by turning people into “choices” with Roe v. Wade.

     Maybe he figured it felt unseasonably cool in July.  Well, besides putting a sweater on (which we all know pointy-headed professors from Berkeley love to wear) what else could he do about it?  How could he profit from it?  How could he get more funding?  Well, how about cooking up some numbers to prove  that man was responsible for the unseasonable cooling?  Yeah, yeah, back then you could make up anything, get it on the cover of Time Magazine and everyone would believe your “facts,” because, well, you were a pointy-headed professor from Berkeley, of course.

     So then we were all told a decade later, the planet is actually heating, not cooling (which they now say was untrue… it actually is cooling.  Are you keeping up here?)  Hmmm… what to do about that?  Well, we all know that if “progressives” are good at anything, they’re good at changing labels on things and making it stick.  Therefore, “global warming” came into vogue and “facts” were re-written to support this new theory.  And, it’s actually a theory that is easier to sell to “the masses.”  You know them, they’re all those unwashed hillbillies that aren’t smart enough to go to Berkeley or Yale and therefore need brain-filled “progressives” to decide what’s best for them.

     So anyway, global warming has at its core, man-made pollution… and some cow farts, as the culprits.  So, all the unwashed masses see smoke stacks pumping hot smoke into the air and it’s easy even for them to make the connection.  Especially after a bunch of pointy-headed, pot-smoking scientists keep saying it over & over in “official-looking” position papers funded by either the government (which can then fine the polluting companies and control those smoke stacks) or “progressive” thinking billionaires (who can now invest in anti-pollution, i.e. “green,” technologies to make even more money.)

     “Progressives” and their pointy-headed scientists say that man is causing warming (oh, now it’s not global warming, it’s “climate change”… ooops, I mean climate “disruption”) due to his activity with manufacturing, transportation and other “polluting” activities.  Wow, if humans have such a large effect on the earth’s temperature why isn’t it 78 degrees & sunny everywhere on the planet?

     So, this is why I can’t stand the whole “climate disruption” argument.  “Progressives” feel that they are very important to the overall world population because they are smarter, they “care” more, they know what’s best for others (because everybody knows all those “hillbillies” are just plain dumb.)  Since they’ve convinced themselves of their importance they also feel that they, and the entire human population by extension, must have a huge effect on nature.  Therefore, it follows that human activity trumps nature.  In other words, humans, not natural forces, cause worldwide temperature shifts.  Oil spills  (by humans… of a totally organic compound) despoil huge areas of shoreline & ocean and nature cannot cope with the mess.  Man-made aerosols trap heat like a greenhouse since they make up such a huge percentage of all molecules in the atmosphere (yeah, right)… once again, nature cannot cope with mans interference.

     Now, I’m not saying that human activity can’t pollute, it can… locally.  But, compared to natural forces, humans are trivial.  Mother nature outclasses us & she proves it all the time.  Have you ever seen what a volcano does?  A lightning caused forest fire?  If humans have the ability to warp nature the way the “progressives” say we do, why don’t we have gigantic fans that blow hurricanes back out to sea?  Why is it that the best defense against a tornado is to avoid it?  Why is it that there were no huge oil disasters from the 860 oil tankers (not to mention the other 7000 ships) that were sunk during World War II, the single most important period of polluting activity and resource using, ever?  Heck, people dive those sites nowadays because of what nature has done to the wrecks.  Nature reclaims… nature fixes imbalance… nature cleans things.  We could take the yearly garbage output of New York City, put it on barges & dump it in the middle of the Atlantic and 30 days later there would be NO trace of it, anywhere.  Except for Styrofoam cups… those are totally evil.  I mean, have you ever seen video of an Atlantic storm?  C’mon people, nature’s telling you every day that you suck!

     Face it, Mother Nature laughs at us, people (remember those margarine commercials from the ‘70s?  “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!”  Then the death & destruction follows.)  Speaking of laughing, this is where the King of the Jabronies comes in:  Al Gore.  This guy has built an empire on your ignorance.  Keep on believing him and his “inconvenient truth,” people.  Sea levels are gonna rise due to the warming effect, huh?  Is that why he bought a $9 million mansion near the coast?  In sunny, already hot, southern California?  With a “Scrooge McDuck”-like gold room where he keeps that 150 million you gave him? Think about him the next time you’re jamming your ass into that airline seat in coach class.  The one that they’ve shaved a couple of inches from so that they could add three more rows.  Try and get a window seat so that maybe you’ll see Al Gore pass you by… in his G5… sipping his Grey Goose or a macho grande with extra whip cream.  Wave at the funny man kiddies!  That’s ok though ‘cause he’s offsetting his huge carbon footprint with a couple of credits he’s buying… from himself… through his carbon credit trading company.  Hmmm… guess you just never made the connection.

"Head" jabroni

     Come to think of it, maybe Al Gore & his $150,000,000 isn’t such a jabroni (well, except when it comes to ordering a massage with a happy ending.)  After all, he’s just following the American dream.  Find a market & produce a product for them.  Maybe that market of progressive doomsayers (remember all those Hollywood stars saying we’ve only got 12 years before our coasts are flooded from rising seas… back in the ‘80s?) are the real jabronis here.  So, jabroni, how does it feel?  You should be happy for Al Gore.  You should enjoy his mansion and his personal jet from afar.  After all, you bought them for him.  Harrumph…

HARRUMPH Maintenance division poll

     Hello everyone, the HARRUMPH maintenance division has been watching all the various departments in the HARRUMPH organization put these polls up & we figured we would like to put one up ourselves.  Now, we may not have all kinds of degrees in physics or chemistry or transmogrification or anything.  Heck, don’t need much schoolin’ to push a broom or tote a pail.  But, at least we’re not pointy-headed nerds like those clowns wearing lab coats & pocket protectors.

     Anyway, after all those “college boys” get done cooking up some new monster, or them security guys finish up “questioning” some anti-evil agent, it’s us beer drinking, regular guys that’s got to go clean up their mess.  I mean, do you know how dirty an undisclosed bunker location, well-equipped with end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table gets, just on a regular basis?  You know, there are so many miles of corridors down here that the Roomba runs pretty much non-stop.  And, you know, leaving a robot alone for any length of time can’t be a good thing…come to think of it, nobody’s seen the Roomba or that crate of gatling guns we got the other day.

     So, we have to deal with a lot of slimy, yucky, sticky stuff down here and we’d like to get your opinion on just what is the slimiest.

Research & Development division (“G” Section) poll ends

     Well, our poll on what happens after death has closed and the results are quite surprising.  The two traditional views: “Tunnel of light” or “eaten by worms” only got one vote between the two of ‘em.  Next was the "catholic/protestant heaven/go to hell with Bill Mahr & all the other atheists" with 3 votes.  The winner was our statement to come down to “G” section with 4 votes.  So, it looks like we have a new crop of “volunteers” to sustain our experiments.

     We’ve already informed the buxom receptionist at the front desk of the HARRUMPH bunker to send you right down.  Take the elevator to sub-level B, turn right & proceed to door #013.  Whatever you do, when you pass the chemical storage room, DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR.  We have been using that room to store former “subjects” and now, several “G” section employees entering the area haven’t returned & we keep hearing weird noises & scratches & stuff coming from that room.  Oh, and if you’re allergic to electricity, don’t bother to apply.

Harrumph File #037 10.10.2010_ What ever happened to the Roosevelts?

     Yes, you’ve heard right.  This is a question I’ve had on my mind for quite a while.  What ever happened to the Roosevelts?  Their dynasty started out ok, but then they just kinda faded out like the Burgermeisters of Sombertown.  You all remember T.R., right?  Teddy Roosevelt… led the charge of the Rough Riders up a hill later to be confused with San Juan Hill during the Spanish-American war.  Lots of glory and fame.  Became 26^th President of the United States after William McKinley was assassinated.  Took over building the Panama Canal after the frenchies gave up (big surprise there.)  Pretty good start to a Roosevelt dynasty, huh?

     Well, 24 years later T.R.’s cousin, Franklin takes over as the 32^nd President.  Heck, he sticks around as top dog for 12 years!  Unprecedented!  No president dared to run for more than two terms.  After all, George Washington only served two terms and he was “the greatest,” right?  Well, FDR built on the dynasty started by Teddy and stayed until he dropped…and then they were just… gone.

     I guess any line of royalty has a habit of doing that… sometimes at the edge of a blade.  Anyway, Americans have always been fascinated by dynasties and royalty.  Heck, as any fifth grader knows (well, those that went to school before the ‘80’s or so) our country began as colonies of an empire.  To this day we are still infatuated with royalty.

     For example, take a look at the Kennedys.  Of course we all know that that old rumrunner, Joseph Kennedy and his wife, Rose, produced the now familiar family tree that is commonly referred to as “American royalty.”  Poor Joseph jr. never was a part of the Camelot-to-be, even though he was the senior son & therefore daddy’s choice for the top spot.  However, piloting exploding B-24’s have a way of ruining even daddy warbucks’ plans for the future so it kinda fell to young Jack to give it the old college try.

     Yeah, he made it to Camelot all right, but someone forgot to clear a grassy knoll & we all know the rest of the story.  Oh, don’t feel too bad for him, he was the most powerful man in the world for a couple of years & he did tap ‘ol Marilyn once or twice before crossing over… that’s got to put a smile on anyone’s face… well, if you’ve got a face… Oh stop it, he doesn’t mind a good joke every now & then.  After all, I’m sure he was able to talk his way into Catholic Heaven so he’s got all the beer, boobs & trampolines he can handle now.

     And what about Bobby?  Well, kinda the same story as Jack.  Made it to Camelot… tapped Marilyn… Catholic Heaven with trampolines… Oh, just that president thing.  That ambition stopped in L.A. with a couple of pistol shots.  Any unaccounted-for grassy knolls in L.A.?  Dang, if I didn’t know better I’d say this family was cursed or something.  And poor Teddy maybe hung around the edges of Camelot, but didn’t even get to meet Marilyn much less cop a feel.  But, he did have his own passions, driving fast & night swims ‘round the bridges of Chappaquiddick.  Not really a smart thing to do, most people take a swim buddy with them for safety.

     John F. Kennedy Jr. seems to have inherited his uncle Joe’s love of flying.  He also seems to have inherited his uncle’s knack for having one more take-off than landings logged in his flight log, but at least he participated in the “Camelot” fairy tale and that’s surely enough for those “royalty-watchers” out there.

     So we know what happened to the Kennedy’s, and we sorta know what happened to the Roosevelts, but now I’ve really lost interest in those two dynasties.  I feel we would’ve been better served by a different dynasty.

     We could’ve had a real one instead of all these “wanna-be’s”  that we elect every 4 years.  Yes, the founding fathers got a lot of things right but they missed on the one point that could’ve made us a great country from the get-go.  The people were already used to saying “King George” since they were subjects of the British crown.  We could’ve traded the old King George for a new King George.  And our King George would’ve been better.  Stronger… faster… King George Washington… Kicked ass on every limey he ever met.  Chopped down cherry trees any time he wanted.  Looked very “kingly” while he stood up in the boat crossing the Delaware.  And… any King that drives a Dodge Challenger the way he drives it gets my vote… Harrumph…

Research & Development division (“G” Section) poll

     The Research & Development division of the HARRUMPH organization (commonly referred to as “G” Section) has been conducting experiments on sub-level B of the HARRUMPH bunker site, well-equipped with end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table (although those are all up on level 1, and we don’t seem to get up there too often.)

     Now, before you start accusing us of making monsters or zombies or some other such preposterous thing, let us assure you that we are doing nothing of the sort.  There, now don’t you feel better?  We concentrate on things like vault door-melting lasers and self-actuating, flame-throwing sentry guns.  I mean, what good would an army of zombies do anyway?  We’ve all seen “Night of the Living Dead,” so we know how those things turn out. Lots of running & screaming & then the inevitable bone-crunching and spleen-ripping that we all want to avoid.

     So anyway, we still are interested in philosophical questions such as “What happens when you die?”  So far, we have not been able to learn anything from the “subjects” we’ve been using in our “non-zombie” tests (although we are running out of freezer space down here… maybe we can start stacking a few in the chemical storage room… hmmm.)  So, we’d like to get your opinion on this subject.

6 Oct: HARRUMPH DJ Poll Closes

     Alright, the theme music poll is over & here’s the results.  Now, I knew the theme from Shaft was way too cool for some egghead to use for his theme music: 2 votes.  Indiana Jones only got 3 & “Machete,” none.  So, it’s the “Emperor’s March” with 4 votes that wins.  So I make up a good mix tape and go report the results to the EGiC.

     After all that “the man” tells me he’s come up with his own theme music & I’m off the hook.  Well, I tell you what, I didn’t go to all the trouble of askin’ all yours opinions ‘bout this sh*t just to have that humpty dumpty clown shut me down faster than a meth lab blows up!  So I ask him just what he chose for his theme music anyhow n you know what he tells me?  “Hit the Road, Jack” by Ray Charles!  You kiddin’ me?  So I told him “there ain’t no way you’re cool enough for The Genius of Soul, fool.”

     Well, looks like I’m the fool here ‘cause now, here I am, working the night shift at yet another run-down, two-bit radio station again, instead of having my own gig at the bunker.  Oh well, ‘least he didn’t send me back to the big house or have me cut up & sent down to “G” section or somthin’.  I dunno, maybe that wouda been better than being dropped off at this place.  Just where the hell is WKRP located at anyhow?

Harrumph File #036 10.03.2010_ Why we need to invade Mexico now

     I know what you’re thinking.  “Here we go with another tirade about carpet bombing Mexico or electrified fences, machine gun towers & minefields or sending Special Forces into Latin America to clean it up or blah, blah…”  Well, yes, I’m in favor of all those things but that’s for another day.

     Now, I’m not advocating a Mexican invasion for territorial gain.  I mean, after all, we kicked their asses once already back in the 1840’s & picked up a few new states for our trouble all fair & square like.  Yes, fair & square…we won, we took the spoils of war.  That’s the way things happen in the adult world, kiddies.  No matter how much some people don’t like it, Arizona, California, Nevada, Utah & New Mexico are U.S. states, not Mexican states.  After all, we actually named battleships after some of them so it’s all official-like & whatnot.

     So, you ask yourself, just what am I talking about here?  Well, as you know, our war fighters have been overseas kicking the crap out of Al Qaeda and their buddies, the Iraqis and the Pakistanis… (*muffled voice from off-page*… Wha? What was that? *muffled voice again*… Pakistan’s an ally in the war on terror… I mean, in this “overseas contingency operation?”  You mean they’re on our side?  *muffled voice*  C’mon, what’re you, on drugs or something?  *muffled voice*  On our side… hmmm… guess I never made the connection.)

     Anyway, what it comes down to is fatigue.  No, I’m not talking about the fact that the American population at large is getting tired of this probably never-ending war.  We all know that.  You hear about it on the news all the time.  Lot’s of interviews with the “man on the street,” while he’s standing in line to get his macho grande with extra whipped cream or standing in line to get another free sample from the Morton’s vendor at Costco… yeah, we all know he’s tired of “fighting” this war.  No, what I’m talking about is that our war fighters (i.e. the guys with the rifles & cammies you see on T.V.) are just plain tired.  They’ve been going “over there” three, four, five times each, and they still haven’t found that raggedy-ass, bearded freak who started this whole thing in the first place!  Now, I’m not criticizing our guys…after all, I support our troops (now that I’ve said that, I am immune from criticism.)  It’s just that when someone’s worn out and tired they tend to get a little sloppy… just look at Vice President Biden for proof of that.

     Ok, so what’s up with my proposed invasion of Mexico?  Well, as anyone who has seen “Machete” on the big screen can tell you, this mangy mutt can get in there and clean up a mess faster than a Disney-sweeper.  True, he usually leaves another mess when he’s done, but blood and pieces of brain can be washed off of floors & walls so I’m not too worried about that.  In his first film, Machete did a pretty good job cleaning up Texas.  But then, he just disappears… driving away on a motorcycle with Jessica Alba on his lap.  Where do they go?  What do they do?  Do we have to wait until the sequel, “Machete Kills,” or the third movie in the series, “Machete Kills Again,” are completed before our new hero is available for use in my mad scheme?  We cannot wait that long to implement this operation!  We know he’s no longer in Texas so we need to invade Mexico now in order to find him!

     Once we locate Machete we’ll have half of our new anti-Al Qaeda team.  We all know that Machete knows what to do once he’s got those raggedy heads within blade length, but it’s the getting him to that point where our other half comes in.  One word: Mantracker.  Yes, bring that ramshackle Canadian down out of the woods, equip him with the best in American firearms and electronics, put him on a plane going east with Machete and we’ve got the A-Team of the United Nations on their way!  Send the Germans home!  Send the French home!  Send them all home!  Mantracker finds ‘em, Machete hacks ‘em!  I’m sure Osama leaves distinctive sandal tracks & toe-kicks that Mantracker can follow.

     So anyway, what I’m saying is that since all of our war fighters are recovering from years of kicking the crap out of Al Qaeda and the rest of those raggedy ass clowns carrying their AK’s & their hate & not much else, who else can we look to besides Mantracker & Machete to protect all the weak-kneed, jamba juice-drinking, myspacing, frappuccinoing Americans that are left?  Mantracker & Machete… Know your land.  Know your prey.  Know your edged weapons… Harrumph…