Harrumph File #035 09.26.2010_ Yes, I do practice my evil laugh in my spare time

     Tell me if this sounds familiar.  You’re sitting there at the corner window table after the overenthusiastic girl (or “guy”) behind the counter mixes up your macho grande with extra whipped cream and chocolate shavings, perusing the latest status updates and twitters that someone posted while they’re on vacation, not realizing that the neighborhood thugs are, even at that moment, sniffing through their underwear drawer because, they too, can read “facebook,” when you hear some guy looking through the comic book section of the connected bookstore, cackling a couple of times…maybe that other guy in the “war” section throwing out a “muahaha” or two?  Yes, you’ve just been exposed to a couple of budding Evil Geniuses.

     You see, what you’re witnessing is something very important to Evil Geniuses worldwide, whether they’re established EGiC’s (Evil Geniuses in Charge) or just in training.  Most Evil Geniuses subscribe to “Robert’s Rules of Evil Genius-run Organizations” as their by-laws. And, rule #7 states: “Practice your evil laugh every day... Muahaha.”  So what you’ve seen is simply rule #7 in effect.

     Now, don’t start laughing to yourself just yet, there’s no reason to make judgments here.  I mean, you've seen baseball players practicing, right?  I don’t hear anyone making fun of them.  How about a student practicing the speech he or she will deliver at graduation?  No, that’s ok too, huh?  And what about golfers?  They seem to be practicing all the time & no one makes fun of them.  Well, ok, everyone makes fun of goofy golfers and Happy Gilmore has taken it a step or two beyond that, but they’re golfers & really deserve a good beating for chasing a stupid little ball all over the place.  And have you seen those commercials on TV, where some idiot caddy is telling the pro: “I dunno Chip, I really think you should go with the 3 wood…276 yards…slopes down…curves to the right…blah blah…”  Really?  Just when did you become the pro, haulin’ that bag around Mister Caddy?  You couldn't sink a putt even if the clowns' teeth or the windmills' blades weren't in the way!  Oh, I’m gonna use a 3 wood all right, and it’ll be your balls that curve to the right as they get sliced into the woods.  There’s only one thing I hate more than the game of golf itself and that’s an uppity 50 year-old caddy telling a guy that made 3 million last year that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about!  Just haul the freakin’ bag, ya' bumpkin.  ARRGG!!!  Caddies!!!  ARRGG!!! Golf!!!

     OK, I feel a little better now.  So anyway, back to rule #7.  Evil Geniuses use an evil laugh for several reasons.  An evil laugh is very…invigorating.  It helps an Evil Genius keep his (or her…rrraow!) moral up.  It intimidates minions (who always need intimidating) because minions never know if that evil laugh is leading to a new, clever idea from the Evil Genius; a funny, if off-color, joke; or the production of the Evil Genius’ 9mm Luger because they’ve “failed him for the last time…muahahahahaha!!!”  Unpredictable behavior cultivates top-notch results…just like “progressive” economic policy.

     And finally, the evil laugh is always there if you just want someone to talk to.  Well, not that the evil laugh talks back to me or anything…I mean, that would be kind of…weird…  Well, ok, maybe it talks just a little, but, you know, everyone has their own…I mean, c’mon…so maybe I do talk to myself… sometimes… I mean, not a lot or anything… c’mon, everyone knows that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  Just ask Shelley Duvall…Muahahahaha!!!

     Ok, enough of that.  So…my advice to you?  Come up with your own evil laugh.  Sure, you can make it a cackle if you want.  Usually you would get a nice pointed black hat & broomstick to go along with it, but I’ve seen it done before.  You can practice your evil laugh simultaneously with the “finger pyramid of evil contemplation.”  A very advanced move, so be careful you don’t sprain a finger while attempting it.  I also suggest your own “board room,” where you can gather your minions.  Remember, at least one chair (preferably all of them) needs to be wired to drop into a pit of lions at the touch of a button.  Anyway, you can customize all of these elements until you come up with something that is really “you.”  Just remember, practice makes perfect.

     So yes, I do practice my evil laugh in my spare time and you should too.  You know what they say: “An evil laugh a day helps keep the ChiComs away!”  Muahaha…Muahaha…Muahaha!!!! Harrumph…