Harrumph File #034 09.19.2010_ Obviously, all printers are made in Hell by Satan’s minions with the express purpose to destroy our souls

     Die muthaf#*kas! Die muthaf#*kas!… Die!  I got my “9”… cracka’s outta time… I’ll busta cap in yo a**… ‘cause da cracka can’t rhyme!… So it’s die muthaf#*kas! Die muthaf#*kas! Die! So it’s die muth… Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep… Attention! Attention! Attention!  The Harrumph Files would like to apologize for the preceding strange and ludicrous remarks. Please remove all children & baptists to a safe zone.

     *reset* *reset* *reset* Wow, not sure what happened there folks, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I, along with young Mr. A.L. Rrumph & Mr. Z.M. Rrumph, went "Office Space" on an old computer printer we had sitting around the other day. And the reason we gave the old boy a bop or two with an aluminum baseball bat and a fist? It's crystal clear to me. Obviously, all printers are made in Hell by Satan's minions with the express purpose of destroying our souls.

     There, I've said it.  Something we all knew but dared not speak aloud.  The symptoms were always there.  All of us, at one time or another, have cowered in fear of the reaction of these evil robot-like monsters.  We've stood there, waiting for our printers to "warm up” (shouldn’t take but a second or two when there’s a little bit ‘o brimstone stuffed inside but no, it wants a full minute or more;) wondering why it won't ever print page three; dealing with ink smears & dropped letters.  Yes, there are a million stories out there on the evils of printers (don’t even get me started on fax machines.)

     It’s pretty obvious to me that Satan is devoting a large amount of his resources to perfecting his nefarious machines.  He’s probably got some weird "anti-Santa" like workshop that’s been inspired by the nuttiness of Johnny Depp and the downright idiocy of Tim Burton, rolled up in a Willy Wonka-like factory setting where his minions put their machines together, cackling to themselves as if they were lunatics stranded on a desert island for 30 years, in anticipation of the frustration they will heap upon humanity.

     And Satan doesn’t just concentrate on printers.  He definitely has influence on the operation of other so-called “time-saving” devices.  Here’s two more words for you: automatic toilets.  Yes, these too are produced in the very bowels of Hell (pun intended) in order to confound, confuse, & complicate our lives.  Talk about frustration?  I mean, first of all, no one actually wants to use a public toilet, they’re icky & sticky & just plain yucky.  But you know what “they” say: “when ya gotta go, ya gotta go.”  So we endure the indignity of using them because we have to.  So, after you “pull up, then down” two or three times until you finally get a paper ring that’s not ripped in half, you begin “the” contest.  You know what I mean.  “The” contest to: 1. Put the paper ring on the seat, 2. Drop your drawers, and 3. Get your bare ass down before that vile machines’ sensor can flush all the work you’ve done to get this far, right out of sight.  And, even worse, you had better hope that your timing isn’t off, just a wee bit.  Because if it is, you’ll end up sitting bare-assed without any paper that’s been “provided for your protection,” between you and all that foul, slimy, encrusted ickiness.  Then, after you finish your business, the dang thing decides that you’ve still got to push the manual button on top before it fulfills it’s obligation to flush.  Obviously, automatic toilets are a product of the devil.

     And what about automatic phone queues?  Do I even need to tell you that when you get trapped in one of these infernal, endless loops that the other end is hooked up to the main switchboard of the underworld?  No, I didn’t think so.  Jeeze...push "1" for Purgatory.

     So, in conclusion, I think this harrumph proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Satan is, indeed, an agent of the ChiComs.  Look at any printer on sale out there.  Check out the box of  “toilet guards” that you come across.  Look at lawn sprinkler systems that even a rocket scientist can’t program.  Furniture with instructions and pictures only an idiot would actually understand (and why do they always have 2 extra screws but only 1 extra nut in the vacuum-sealed bag?)  Voice-recognition phone systems in cars that when you say “call Laura,” end up asking you “did you mean call ____” where it fills in the blank with every single entry in your phone book until it finally gets to “Laura” because it’s the last entry.  Digital clocks that, when you program the alarm to wake you up at 7am, it actually goes off at 3am.  I mean, WTF?  I know I set it for 7!  I could go on & on but what do they all have in common?  They all have the “Made in China” label on them.  They may have been manufactured in Hell, but Satan’s overlords live in Beijing.

     So what can we do to defeat this evil influence?  Well, yes, I am partial to carpet-bombing the ChiComs back to the stone age, but I’m talking about people, not governments.  Individuals.  Each & every one of you.  You too can combat the evil influences of Hell/China.  We’ve been shown the way by Peter, Michael, & Samir.  Fight back with your baseball bats.  Fight back with your fists.  Show those loathsome machines, and their evil Chinese Warlord masters who’s boss.  Go “Office Space” on the devil.  Yes, you can!!!  So no, Lumbergh, I won't be coming in to print out those TPS reports on Saturday.  Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta... Harrumph…