Harrumph File #033 09.12.2010_ Why is Eeyore such a sad ass?

     I’ve heard several theories on this question.  Some say he’s such a sad sack because he has no house.  Others say it’s because his tail is attached with a nail.  Even others are determined that he’s, well, just plain psycho.  Well, I think that all these theories are wrong.

     Let me address them one at a time.  First of all, Eeyore does indeed have a house.  Sure, it might be a ramshackle lean-to made out of a few old sticks, but it’s still a house.  After all, they say “home is where the heart is,” so you would have to claim that Eeyore has no heart if you are an advocate of this theory.  I don’t think any one is saying that Eeyore is heartless… you’re not, are you?  ARE YOU?  No, I didn’t think so.

     So what’s this about a nail in the ass?  True, his tail is indeed attached with a nail stuck in his derriere, but is that really a cause for being so sad?  I guess if you look at populations that have this problem you could come to a reasonable conclusion.  Studies on prisoners locked up in state prisons do tend to support the conclusion that they are a cranky bunch, but I don’t think you can equate anger with sadness.*  Besides, Happy Gilmore’s former boss, Mr. Larson, had a nail shot into his head, and he seems to have adjusted pretty well.  Heck, he was even able to catch Shooter McGavin & give him what-for for stealing Happy’s gold jacket!  So, let’s go ahead and throw out this theory on Eeyore’s sad state.

     Psycho.  Yes, some insensitive knaves have suggested that our poor stuffed ass is just plain crazy.  I completely reject this notion for several reasons, the foremost being this:  Have you seen the buttonheads he hangs out with?  I mean, come on, if anyone’s crazy it’s that nut Tigger.  This guy bounces around like a June bug in July.  June bugs…Jeeze, we all know how crazy they are!  How about “Rabbit?”  OMG, Freud could’ve made a career out of that gibbering fool.  The rest aren’t any better.  Just what is a “Pooh” bear, any way? And you know, Mr. Owl, I don’t care how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop… Jeeze, brainiac… there ain’t no college in the 100 acre woods so you ain’t no professor.  So, no, Eeyore’s not ready for a trip to the funny farm.  Heck, compared to the rest of the buffoons he hangs with, he’s as well balanced as I am.

     Yes, there are other crazy theories that run the gamut from some weird “plant rebellion” in the 100 acre wood, like that stupid movie that M. Night Sillyman made; to an emotional reaction from Eeyore’s childhood when he saw his parents shot dead in that Sicilian scene from “Patton.”  I just can’t wrap my head around any of these other theories either.  I mean, c’mon, we all know Sillyman makes the worst movies in the world; and I’ve never heard Eeyore speak with an Italian accent so we need to discard those theories and call it the way it really is.  It’s the ChiComs.

     Yes, I’m convinced it’s an evil Chinese plot, using some sort of powder additive they pour into the 100 acre woods’ water source to “weird” up the place.  It explains Eeyore’s moodiness.  It explains Tigger being all hopped up, 24/7 (probably found where they pour the stuff into the water and snorted a line or two.)  It explains the appearance of Heffelumps & Woozles.  Yes, it explains everything.

     And what to do?  Well, I’m sure there’s a ChiCom control unit hiding somewhere deep in the 100 acre woods… monitoring, updating, sending reports & stuff back to their masters in Beijing.  Well, you know what?  We’ve got control units too.  I say we break out a PRC-77 and rustle up an air strike or two.  Drop a daisy-cutter or maybe a fuel-air explosive & we can completely level the 100 acre woods!  Once the 100 acres are burning like Larry King’s birthday cake, the ChiComs will have no place to hide & then it’s just a 3 second burst of 25mm HE to ChiCom-free zone!  I love happy endings, Disney style!  Give ‘em a couple of days to de-tox & all of Pooh’s friends that survived will return to normal.

     No more moodiness.  No more sadness.  No more excuses.  Time for a laughing, happy Eeyore.  Time to fulfill his contractual obligations.  I mean, doesn’t he realize that he’s a Disney character?  Ummm, the “happiest place on Earth?”  Walt himself expressed the hope that Disneyland would “be a source of joy and inspiration to all the world.”  You know, if Eeyore doesn’t start smiling every once in a while and being a little more upbeat, I’ve got half a mind to kick that ass the next time I’m in Fantasyland.  Harrumph…

* Conclusions not supported by actual data.