Now,
I ain’t sayin’ I’m the most important part of the HARRUMPH organization, but,
you know, without a DJ, who’s gonna keep the moral up while those guys in security
are torturing…oops, I mean enhanced interrogating prisoners; them bean
counters countin’ all that ammo; & those weirdos down in “G” section makin’
them monsters n stuff?So, yeah, maybe
I ain’t totin’ a gun or nuthin’ but I keep that vinyl spinnin’ & that’s
what it’s all about anyhow.
Now,
“the man” (read: EGiC) asks me ‘bout comin’ up with a cool theme song that he
can useduring board meetin’s n
operations n stuff & I’m all like “You talkin’ to me, fool?”until someone says “dude, you can’t talk to
him like that, he’s ‘the man.’” So I’m all “oooh, I sure didn’t know nuthin’
‘bout that,” but I figured, sh*t, don’t want them sendin’ me back to the big
house, so I’ll go ‘head n come up with sumthin’ for that humpty dumpty clown to
use if he wants.So you votes on it n I
plays it.
Operations
division here.As you know, our first
public opinion poll is complete.We
were taken by surprise by the results.A full 36% of you think we should open lemonade stands to fund our
department.As the votes came in, and
we saw that this was a real possibility we, of course, began planning for
it.We went ahead & activated a
couple of our agents that used to play for the Lingerie Football League &
told them to be prepared to hit the streets.We even painted a few signs with “Lemonade $20/glassTips accepted” in preparation.Well, thanks to a last minute flurry of
votes for another choice, we don’t have to worry about getting a business license
& the gals have been sent back to the “secretarial pool.” *wink* *wink*
We also don’t have to plan for another tunnel into the Bank of
England.Whew! We were worrying about
that one ‘cause there are already so many tunnels beneath & around the bank that you
can’t even case out the joint without falling into one!Didn’t think we’d get any “stimulus” cash
either because our organization actually gets results & we all know
that the Feds currently only give handouts to union bosses, “community
organizers,” & other rat holes.
So, it
looks like we’ll be paying a visit to Al Gore’s “Scrooge McDuck”-like gold room
in his 9 million dollar mansion.Fortunately, we anticipated this move years ago & took
precautions.Even as we speak, the four
agents we sealed up in the wall of Al Gore’s gold room when it was built should
be chiseling their way out, “Shawshank Redemption” style.Soon, all of Al Gore’s ill-gotten simoleons
& carbon offsets will be ours!!You know what they
say: “It takes money to make money”(or
in Al Gore’s case a Vice-Presidency!)
Tell me if this sounds familiar.You’re sitting there at the corner window table after the overenthusiastic girl (or “guy”) behind the counter mixes up your macho grande with extra
whipped cream and chocolate shavings, perusing the latest status updates and
twitters that someone posted while they’re on vacation, not realizing that the
neighborhood thugs are, even at that moment, sniffing through their underwear
drawer because, they too, can read “facebook,” when you hear some guy looking
through the comic book section of the connected bookstore, cackling a couple of
times…maybe that other guy in the “war” section throwing out a “muahaha” or
two?Yes, you’ve just been exposed to a
couple of budding Evil Geniuses.
You see, what you’re witnessing is something very important to
Evil Geniuses worldwide, whether they’re established EGiC’s (Evil Geniuses in
Charge) or just in training.Most Evil
Geniuses subscribe to “Robert’s Rules of Evil Genius-run Organizations” as
their by-laws. And, rule #7 states: “Practice your evil laugh every day...
Muahaha.”So what you’ve seen is simply
rule #7 in effect.
Now, don’t start laughing to yourself just yet, there’s no
reason to make judgments here.I mean,
you've seen baseball players practicing, right?I don’t hear anyone making fun of them.How about a student practicing the speech he or she will deliver at
graduation?No, that’s ok too,
huh?And what about golfers?They seem to be practicing all the time
& no one makes fun of them.Well,
ok, everyone makes fun of goofy golfers and Happy Gilmore has taken it a
step or two beyond that, but they’re golfers & really deserve a good
beating for chasing a stupid little ball all over the place.And have you seen those commercials on TV,
where some idiot caddy is telling the pro: “I dunno Chip, I really think you
should go with the 3 wood…276 yards…slopes down…curves to the right…blah blah…”Really?Just when did you become the pro, haulin’ that bag around Mister
Caddy?You couldn't sink a putt even if the clowns' teeth or the windmills' blades weren't in the way! Oh, I’m gonna use a 3 wood all
right, and it’ll be your balls that curve to the right as they get sliced into
the woods.There’s only one thing I
hate more than the game of golf itself and that’s an uppity 50 year-old caddy
telling a guy that made 3 million last year that he doesn’t know what he’s
talking about!Just haul the freakin’
bag, ya' bumpkin.ARRGG!!!Caddies!!!ARRGG!!!
Golf!!!
OK, I feel a little better now.So anyway, back to rule #7.Evil Geniuses use an evil laugh for several reasons.An evil laugh is very…invigorating.It helps an Evil Genius keep his (or
her…rrraow!) moral up.It intimidates
minions (who always need intimidating) because minions never know if that evil
laugh is leading to a new, clever idea from the Evil Genius; a funny, if
off-color, joke; or the production of the Evil Genius’ 9mm Luger because
they’ve “failed him for the last time…muahahahahaha!!!”Unpredictable behavior cultivates
top-notch results…just like “progressive” economic policy.
And finally, the evil laugh is always there if you just want
someone to talk to.Well, not that the
evil laugh talks back to me or anything…I mean, that would be kind of…weird…Well, ok, maybe it talks just a little, but,
you know, everyone has their own…I mean, c’mon…so maybe I do talk to myself…
sometimes… I mean, not a lot or anything… c’mon, everyone knows that all work
and no play makes Jack a dull boy.Just
ask Shelley Duvall…Muahahahaha!!!
Ok, enough of that.So…my advice to you?Come up
with your own evil laugh.Sure, you can
make it a cackle if you want.Usually
you would get a nice pointed black hat & broomstick to go along with it,
but I’ve seen it done before.You can
practice your evil laugh simultaneously with the “finger
pyramid of evil contemplation.”A very
advanced move, so be careful you don’t sprain a finger while attempting
it.I also suggest your own “board
room,” where you can gather your minions.Remember, at least one chair (preferably all of them) needs to be wired
to drop into a pit of lions at the touch of a button.Anyway, you can customize all of these elements until you come up
with something that is really “you.”Just remember, practice makes perfect.
So yes, I
do practice my evil laugh in my spare time and you should too.You know what they say: “An evil laugh a day
helps keep the ChiComs away!”Muahaha…Muahaha…Muahaha!!!! Harrumph…
Operations
division here.As you know, the evil
HARRUMPH organization runs operations simultaneously on almost more than one
continent at a time.And, in compliance
with Robert’s Rules of Evil Genius-run Organizations, rule #8: “Always think
‘big’ when considering your evil plans. Blueprints are helpful... Muahaha,” we
go through an awful lot of paper here in the bunker.I mean, some of our plans are very detailed.Do you know how many pages it takes to
describe something like a vault door-melting laser or a self-actuating,
flame-throwing sentry gun?
Seriously,
if you saw some of our operations proposals you’d think we worked for the U.S.
Congress!Anyway, we’re down to writing
our proposals in the margins of supermarket ads and using the back of junk-mail
envelopes so we’re going to need an infusion of cash before we head out to the
local “Staples” to re-stock our paper supplies.Our question to you is in the latest poll.
Well, you, the reader, have voiced your
opinion on our Larry King poll. We must
admit that you have shown yourselves to be a very clever group.
As you all probably know, Larry King
couldn’t have served as President Lincoln’s press secretary. During the Civil War he was busy setting up
his studio in Florida at the time, and Lincoln made it a policy not to hire
confederates, thus, zero votes.
As far
as him being Rachel Maddow’s “boy toy,” unless he’s living in her nightstand
drawer with an extra set of batteries, we can eliminate that answer…zero
votes. And, his
last birthday cake actually used no candles at all! The local fire department wouldn’t issue the permits required due
to the danger of a firestorm. It only got two votes.
With eight votes, it
turns out that Larry King is, in fact, “case zero” of the zombie apocalypse. We’re pretty sure that CNN has kept him
“alive” for at least a decade because his show is their best ratings draw (not
really surprising since the rest of their on-air crew consists totally of life
sized cardboard cut-outs.)
If you
listen closely you’ll here that his current television interviews sound a lot
like they’re being conducted by Max Headro-ro-room, a popular digital
personality from the 80’s, because they’re now being pasted together from old
interview tapes they have in the basement.
Anyway, since we’re sure he actually passed away at least 10 years ago
we can conclude that he must be “case zero.”
He certainly pre-dates the “experiments” going on in the lower levels of
the HARRUMPH bunker, down in “G” Section…
Die muthaf#*kas! Die muthaf#*kas!… Die! I got my “9”… cracka’s outta time… I’ll
busta cap in yo a**… ‘cause da cracka can’t rhyme!… So it’s die muthaf#*kas!
Die muthaf#*kas! Die! So it’s die muth… Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep… Attention!
Attention! Attention! The Harrumph
Files would like to apologize for the preceding strange and ludicrous remarks.
Please remove all children & baptists to a safe zone.
*reset* *reset* *reset* Wow, not sure what happened there
folks, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I, along
with young Mr. A.L. Rrumph & Mr. Z.M. Rrumph, went "Office Space"
on an old computer printer we had sitting around the other day. And the reason
we gave the old boy a bop or two with an aluminum baseball bat and a fist? It's
crystal clear to me. Obviously, all printers are made in Hell by Satan's minions with
the express purpose of destroying our souls.
There, I've said it.
Something we all knew but dared not speak aloud. The symptoms were always there. All of us, at one time or another, have
cowered in fear of the reaction of these evil robot-like monsters. We've stood there, waiting for our printers
to "warm up” (shouldn’t take but a second or two when there’s a little bit
‘o brimstone stuffed inside but no, it wants a full minute or more;) wondering
why it won't ever print page three; dealing with ink smears & dropped letters. Yes, there are a million stories out there
on the evils of printers (don’t even get me started on fax machines.)
It’s pretty obvious to me that Satan is devoting a large
amount of his resources to perfecting his nefarious machines. He’s probably got some weird
"anti-Santa" like workshop that’s been inspired by the nuttiness of
Johnny Depp and the downright idiocy of Tim Burton, rolled up in a Willy
Wonka-like factory setting where his minions put their machines together,
cackling to themselves as if they were lunatics stranded on a desert island for
30 years, in anticipation of the frustration they will heap upon humanity.
And Satan doesn’t just concentrate on printers. He definitely has influence on the operation
of other so-called “time-saving” devices.
Here’s two more words for you: automatic toilets. Yes, these too are produced in the very
bowels of Hell (pun intended) in order to confound, confuse, & complicate
our lives. Talk about frustration? I mean, first of all, no one actually wants
to use a public toilet, they’re icky & sticky & just plain yucky. But you know what “they” say: “when ya gotta
go, ya gotta go.” So we endure the
indignity of using them because we have to.
So, after you “pull up, then down” two or three times until you finally
get a paper ring that’s not ripped in half, you begin “the” contest. You know what I mean. “The” contest to: 1. Put the paper ring on
the seat, 2. Drop your drawers, and 3. Get your bare ass down before that vile
machines’ sensor can flush all the work you’ve done to get this far, right out
of sight. And, even worse, you had
better hope that your timing isn’t off, just a wee bit. Because if it is, you’ll end up sitting bare-assed
without any paper that’s been “provided for your protection,” between you and
all that foul, slimy, encrusted ickiness.
Then, after you finish your business, the dang thing decides that you’ve
still got to push the manual button on top before it fulfills it’s obligation
to flush. Obviously, automatic toilets
are a product of the devil.
And what about automatic phone queues? Do I even need to tell you that when you get
trapped in one of these infernal, endless loops that the other end is hooked up
to the main switchboard of the underworld?
No, I didn’t think so. Jeeze...push "1" for Purgatory.
So, in conclusion, I think this harrumph proves, beyond a
shadow of a doubt, that Satan is, indeed, an agent of the ChiComs. Look at any printer on sale out there. Check out the box of “toilet guards” that you come across. Look at lawn sprinkler systems that even a
rocket scientist can’t program.
Furniture with instructions and pictures only an idiot would actually
understand (and why do they always have 2 extra screws but only 1 extra nut in
the vacuum-sealed bag?)
Voice-recognition phone systems in cars that when you say “call Laura,”
end up asking you “did you mean call ____” where it fills in the blank with every
single entry in your phone book until it finally gets to “Laura” because it’s
the last entry. Digital clocks that,
when you program the alarm to wake you up at 7am, it actually goes off at
3am. I mean, WTF? I know I set it for 7! I could go on & on but what do they all
have in common? They all have the “Made
in China” label on them. They may have
been manufactured in Hell, but Satan’s overlords live in Beijing.
So what can we do to defeat this evil influence? Well, yes, I am partial to carpet-bombing
the ChiComs back to the stone age, but I’m talking about people, not governments. Individuals. Each & every one of you.
You too can combat the evil influences of Hell/China. We’ve been shown the way by Peter, Michael,
& Samir. Fight back with your
baseball bats. Fight back with your
fists. Show those loathsome machines,
and their evil Chinese Warlord masters who’s boss. Go “Office Space” on the devil.
Yes, you can!!! So no, Lumbergh,
I won't be coming in to print out those TPS reports on Saturday. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta...
Harrumph…
Hello, from the Statistics & Logistics division here at the HARRUMPH organization. You know, those of us here in the S & L department don't have much to do down in the HARRUMPH bunker, since it is already well stocked with end-of-the-world supplies, ammo, & even a large box full of ping-pong stuff. So, most of our day consists of counting & recounting the same stuff we've counted before; endless games of cards & cribbage; & a smoke break every now & then. Well, it seems everyone down here in the bunker except us, is getting in on the fun stuff, like those never-smiling security guys & all the poofs over in the "Entertainment" division. Well, that just ain't right so we went & asked the "big guy" if we could throw our two cents worth in & he thought about it, waved his hand & said "bah," which we took as a yes. So, being "numbers" guys we did a little research & came up with the new poll about Larry King (who just made a guest appearance in the latest "Harrumph.") you see at right. Now, one of these statements is probably true & it's up to you to vote on the one that you think is correct. He-he, we're all set to tally up the votes so give it your best!
Thank you from the HARRUMPH Statistics & Logistics division
Well, we here at the Entertainment division of HARRUMPH have tallied the votes and you, the people have spoken. As you can see from the results, the original, black & white version of "Night of the Living Dead" has beaten The Rachel Maddow Show two to one, kind of like Hannity does to her every day. Anyway, we actually are glad that "Return of the Living Dead" received zero votes, because it's just a bad movie & you can't find a copy of it anywhere on DVD. In fact, I think we'd have to go down to our local library & check out an old beta version of it if we were actually going to show it. The bad news is that the EGiC (Evil Genius in Charge) really wanted to see "Chopper Chicks in Zombietown" & it didn't get even one vote, so he's kinda grumpy & stomping around the bunker. He even closed the miniature grenade range for a couple of hours so he could have some "alone time." So, after he polished off a couple of cases of grenades and a few bazooka rounds he announced that "since Congress & The President don't listen to the will of the people, why should he?" and now we're putting NotLD back on the shelf and moving "Chopper Chicks" up to the top of the queue on Netflix. Sure hope it gets here by Saturday! New poll tomorrow afternoon.
I’ve heard several theories on this question.Some say he’s such a sad sack because he has
no house.Others say it’s because his tail
is attached with a nail.Even others
are determined that he’s, well, just plain psycho.Well, I think that all these theories are wrong.
Let me
address them one at a time.First of
all, Eeyore does indeed have a house.Sure, it might be a ramshackle lean-to made out of a few old sticks, but
it’s still a house.After all, they say
“home is where the heart is,” so you would have to claim that Eeyore has no
heart if you are an advocate of this theory.I don’t think any one is saying that Eeyore is heartless… you’re not,
are you?ARE YOU?No, I didn’t think so.
So
what’s this about a nail in the ass?True, his tail is indeed attached with a nail stuck in his derriere, but
is that really a cause for being so sad?I guess if you look at populations that have this problem you could come
to a reasonable conclusion.Studies on
prisoners locked up in state prisons do tend to support the conclusion that
they are a cranky bunch, but I don’t think you can equate anger with
sadness.*Besides, Happy Gilmore’s
former boss, Mr. Larson, had a nail shot into his head, and he seems to have
adjusted pretty well.Heck, he was even
able to catch Shooter McGavin & give him what-for for stealing Happy’s gold
jacket!So, let’s go ahead and throw
out this theory on Eeyore’s sad state.
Psycho.Yes, some insensitive
knaves have suggested that our poor stuffed ass is just plain crazy.I completely reject this notion for several
reasons, the foremost being this:Have
you seen the buttonheads he hangs out with?I mean, come on, if anyone’s crazy it’s that nut Tigger.This guy bounces around like a June bug in
July.June bugs…Jeeze, we all know how
crazy they are!How about “Rabbit?”OMG, Freud could’ve made a career out of
that gibbering fool.The rest aren’t
any better.Just what is a “Pooh” bear,
any way? And you know, Mr. Owl, I don’t care how many licks it takes to get to
the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop… Jeeze, brainiac… there ain’t no
college in the 100 acre woods so you ain’t no professor.So, no, Eeyore’s not ready for a trip to the
funny farm.Heck, compared to the rest
of the buffoons he hangs with, he’s as well balanced as I am.
Yes, there are other crazy theories that run the gamut from some
weird “plant rebellion” in the 100 acre wood, like that stupid movie that M.
Night Sillyman made; to an emotional reaction from Eeyore’s childhood when he
saw his parents shot dead in that Sicilian scene from “Patton.”I just can’t wrap my head around any of
these other theories either.I mean,
c’mon, we all know Sillyman makes the worst movies in the world; and I’ve never
heard Eeyore speak with an Italian accent so we need to discard those theories
and call it the way it really is.It’s
the ChiComs.
Yes, I’m
convinced it’s an evil Chinese plot, using some sort of powder additive they
pour into the 100 acre woods’ water source to “weird” up the place.It explains Eeyore’s moodiness.It explains Tigger being all hopped up, 24/7
(probably found where they pour the stuff into the water and snorted a line or
two.)It explains the appearance of Heffelumps
& Woozles.Yes, it explains
everything.
And
what to do?Well, I’m sure there’s a
ChiCom control unit hiding somewhere deep in the 100 acre woods… monitoring,
updating, sending reports & stuff back to their masters in Beijing.Well, you know what?We’ve got control units too.I say we break out a PRC-77 and rustle up an
air strike or two.Drop a daisy-cutter
or maybe a fuel-air explosive & we can completely level the 100 acre
woods!Once the 100 acres are burning
like Larry King’s birthday cake, the ChiComs will have no place to hide &
then it’s just a 3 second burst of 25mm HE to ChiCom-free zone!I love happy endings, Disney style!Give ‘em a couple of days to de-tox &
all of Pooh’s friends that survived will return to normal.
No more moodiness. No more sadness.No more excuses.Time for
a laughing, happy Eeyore.Time to
fulfill his contractual obligations.I
mean, doesn’t he realize that he’s a Disney character?Ummm, the “happiest place on Earth?”Walt himself expressed the hope that
Disneyland would “be a source of joy and inspiration to all the world.”You know, if Eeyore doesn’t start smiling
every once in a while and being a little more upbeat, I’ve got half a mind to
kick that ass the next time I’m in Fantasyland.Harrumph…
Sometimes
it can get kinda dark & dank down here in the HARRUMPH bunker, even with
the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range,
and ping-pong table for entertainment.
Therefore, the HARRUMPH USO Division will be running a series of movies
each night in the cafeteria. They would
like your input on the films to be shown.
We will be starting with a “midnight” showing of a scary movie this
Saturday night. So, bring your popcorn,
a blanket, & your best girl and curl up for some chills!
Well, we have finished the first poll for our security division here at your most beloved of evil organizations and the Evil Genius in Charge (EGiC) is not pleased. As you can see, there was only one vote for both the highly anticipated shark pool and the blind manicurist. So much for The Evil Genius' desire to begin his search for "Jaws" & some of his friends. Looks like he'll have to get rid of that life-size figure of "Quint" he bought when the local wax museum mysteriously burnt down (or...melted down...hehe.) And, since the blind manicurist also only got one measly vote we'll probably have to let go our only disabled employee.
The bottomless pit of doom fared a little better, but since it also didn't win, we've already started filling it in. I must say, the only employees here in the undisclosed HARRUMPH bunker site, well-equipped with
end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of
ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table, that are happy with your input are the security personnel themselves! They must think that we're going to secure the full DirecTV line up so that when they're not torturing "anti-evil" agents we capture with Olbermann, Maddow, and that idiot, Ed, that they'll be able to tune in to football, skinemax, and the Spike channel. I dunno, does all that come with the basic package? Hmmm...maybe just Spike...hmmm. Anyway, the new TV's are already rolling into the bunker and there's one or two dishes going up on the roof now. You know, the next time we want your input for improvements here at HARRUMPH, maybe take our budget into account...it's probably gonna take another tunnel into the Bank of England to pay off this credit card bill!
Disclaimer: The Harrumph Files would like to thank Jake S. for his initial inspiration on this harrumph while at the same time making it crystal clear that this is now the sole intellectual property of The Harrumph Files… Muahahaha!!! And now, this week’s Harrumph File!!!
You know, in this era of bailouts and second chances for “deserving” organizations & individuals, there’s one guy in particular that had been somehow overlooked. Even now he sits, waiting patiently in a cave somewhere for his salvation. But alas, he has been forgotten by the multitudes under the sand heaps of history. I even heard that his feathered sidekick, Iago, who opened a second-class gin-joint down in Florida, got rubbed out by the Cuban mafia. Well, I for one am here to announce that we need to make this right; we need to fill our hearts with hope for change; we must do this, not for me, not for Kings & Queens, not for some future evil Chinese overlord…we must do this for the little man; for those that he has championed throughout his ever-so brief time among us. Yes, it is for the orphans and the downtrodden that I proclaim from every mountaintop: Give Jafar a chance! (Let the bells ring throughout the land in celebration!) Yes, you should know who he is; he needs no introduction. But, I know there are some of you out there that don’t know your history (real or fictitious, it doesn’t really matter now) so, let me explain. Jafar was the Royal Vizier in the court of the Sultan of Agrabah. The city was run by a bumbling & childish (although all-powerful) Sultan, whose daughter, Jasmine, got “involved” with a worthless street rat named Aladdin & his dirty (but cute) monkey, Abu. Now, Jafar only wanted what was best for the people of Agrabah. He worked tirelessly as the Sultan’s advisor, even as the Sultan squandered the wealth of his people, drawn from them in the form of oppressive taxes just as their lifeblood is drawn by the blade. And what did he spend the people’s wealth on? Public works? Defense? Unemployment compensation? No. He spent their hard-earned dollars (or rupees or hallakalas or whatever) on a huge palace (that none of his subjects, by the way, are allowed in;) nice, cool gardens to relax in, peasant-free; exotic pets (that are obviously altered so that they have human-like brains) for his children to play with; and other trappings of power that are not available to the “little people.” Dang, this guy is so lost in the wealth and ornaments of office that you could mistake him for the President (wow, that family eats so much lobster that I’m thinking of investing in butter futures!) And, our poor Jafar? What of him? He only wanted to help the people. His life-long dream of finding the lamp of the genie was simply a manifestation of his love for the people of Agrabah. The magic that the genie possessed could serve the people. It could defend them with an unstoppable army (I heard the Germans aren’t using theirs right now, and you know those Germans… always looking for someone to fight!) It could provide them with clean, decent homes (under section 8, of course.) It could feed them something besides government cheese. Obviously, the Sultan has no such programs. And this Aladdin character? What would he do with this source of ultimate power? His actions speak louder than my poor attempt to enlighten you ever could. He enriched himself with seventy-five golden camels! Purple peacocks? He's got fifty-three! Ninety-five white Persian monkeys…now why does he need white Persian monkeys? And besides, isn’t one enough? Who needs ninety-five? He's got slaves, he's got servants, he's got flunkies! Does this sound like a man of the people? I mean he appears at the gates of Agrabah posing as this unknown “Prince Ali.” And he shows up with sixty elephants, llamas galore, with his bears and lions, A brass band and more, with his forty fakirs, his cooks, his bakers, his birds that warble on key… Make way for Prince Ali! Yeah, better make way ‘cause if you don’t you’re just going to end up under a parade of royal animal crap. Now, did Jafar want any of this? No, I do believe I even detected him issuing a “harrumph” when “Prince Ali” showed up with his monstrosity of a retinue. I’m sure that you, dear reader, can see the point I’m trying to make here. The establishment has failed. The next generation, with it’s false hope & promises of change, has failed. I beg of you… give Jafar a chance. Give him a chance to serve. Give him a chance as Sultan. Demand that the law be enforced! Since Princess Jasmine has not selected a suitor she is legally bound to marry the Royal Vizier! Sure, he has called her a shrew! Sure, he has no real interest in her as anything other than a conduit to the reins of power! But, he is willing to sacrifice for the people. He is willing to put his wishes behind those of the people. And, speaking of wishes, you know, if Jafar uses one wish to pump her up a cup size or two, he’s still got two other wishes left…for the people. Is that golden, or what? Harrumph…
In order to increase the efficiency of our security forces here in the undisclosed H.A.R.R.U.M.P.H. bunker site, well-equipped with end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table, we have posted a new poll for you to participate in. Your opinion counts here at H.A.R.R.U.M.P.H.! Thank you for your participation.
Well, the first poll in Harrumph File history is, well, history. The poll proves that Michele Obama is even eviler than Adolf Hitler or Josef
Stalin, even combined. Wow! Who, other than I, could have predicted that? I mean,
Hitler was pretty evil, and he didn't receive any votes at all! And,
the poll shows that the American people feel that Michele Obama is 5 times as evil as
Stalin! That's pretty evil! From this data I have surmised that
Michele Obama could actually be "The" Devil! But, in another sense,
you libs can put your own spin on this poll, saying that she is actually a
"winner!" Well, Huzzah to you!
