Harrumph File #060 03.20.2011_Godzilla Awakened?

     You’ve seen the coverage on the news.  A huge 9.0 earthquake followed by a 30 foot tsunami.  Whole villages wiped out.  Nuclear power plants on the verge of melting down and a radiation cloud heading toward the United States the likes of which we haven’t seen since 1954’s “Them!”  Yes, the earthquake in Japan is a terrible tragedy and we sincerely hope that the Japanese people are able to rebuild and prepare…  Prepare, you say?  Prepare for what? Haven’t they suffered enough?  What could I be possible talking about you ask?  Yes, prepare.  Prepare for what’s coming next.  No, I’m not talking about aftershocks.  I’m not talking about more tsunamis.  I’m not even talking about the now probably inevitable melt down of a nuclear reactor.  I’m referring to a calamity that when it strikes Japan it will make these earlier disasters seem like a walk in the park.  You see, scientists… good scientists… have determined that the earthquake that hit Japan on Friday, March 11^th, 2011 was powerful enough to awaken Godzilla*.

Now that's one raging, pissed off monster!

     Godzilla; a name to inspire fear.  Godzilla; a name to inspire panic.  Godzilla; a name to inspire a rock song.  We know what he is capable of.  We have seen him time and time again pick up a bus and throw it back down as he wades through the buildings toward the center of town.  He could totally destroy Japan as we know it.  Thirty stories high, breathing radioactive fire.  An insatiable appetite for well-constructed skyscrapers and high-tension wires.  In fact, some people, most notably newspaper reporter Raymond Burr, believe that Godzilla is already on the rampage in Japan.  He points to the fact that Japan is the most prepared country in the world for earthquakes and tsunamis.  If this is the case, he asks, why have we seen footage of destruction on a biblical scale coming out of Japan?  Their seismic retrofits and tsunami walls should have protected them.  Only Godzilla, he says, can create such destruction.  We have also seen the Japanese army deployed during this crisis.  Now, I’m not talking about run of the mill infantry units.  We expect to see them conducting rescue and recovery operations.  No, I’m talking about Japanese army units with “special” capabilities.  We know tanks, artillery, even aircraft missiles are ineffective against Godzilla, King of Monsters.  Only special units with lasers or weird sound wave generating devices are effective against him.  And, yes, these are the units you see being deployed to strategic places throughout Japan.

     In addition, sightings of Mothra and Rodan are on the rise.  We all know that when Godzilla appears from the depths of the Pacific, Mothra and Rodan usually appear to give battle.  I suggest we prepare ourselves for what may be coming.  It’s one thing if Sendai or even Tokyo is stomped out of existence, but what if it reaches our shores?  What if rampaging monsters destroy Seattle or Los Angeles or San Francisco?  Ok, so maybe we wouldn’t miss ‘Frisco so much, but L.A.?  If Los Angeles is stomped on by Godzilla there might be too much debris covering the freeways and now we’re talking about it affecting my next trip to Disneyland!  This must be avoided at all costs!  We must contain the crisis to the Japanese home islands, kind of like our strategic bombing campaign of 1944-45 (What? Too soon?)  Deploy the Navy!  Deploy the Air Force!  Deploy the Marines!  President Obama, I beg of you, do something (well, something besides playing golf, a vaca to Rio, and all those lobster dinners you & “Weezie” have been sucking down in the White House.)

     And what about the radiation cloud heading our way?  What can be done about that?  Well, most of us don’t have the option of hopping on Air Force One and running away to Rio until it’s safe to come back.  We’ve got to put up with it.  We’re the ones that have to pump our bodies full of iodine in order to survive the radiation storm without growing another head.  Although, it does raise another possibility.  What if, just like in the movies, you get some cool superpower from all the radiation you absorb?  Imagine that!  Flying around the world like Superman.  Or maybe crawling on walls and shooting webs like Spiderman.  Super strength!  X-ray vision!  Faster than a speeding bullet!  Aqualungs!  Fire breathing!  Telekinesis!  Of course, while everyone else is flying around and picking up cars and webbing criminals & stuff, I’ll probably end up with some lame superpower like being able to tell you what day of the week any date falls on.  The battle of Hastings took place on a Tuesday.  Harrumph…

* Not supported by scientific fact.