Harrumph File #058 03.06.2011_“Rice Rocket” Motorcycles Were Built By The Japanese With The Express Purpose Of Killing Americans, Thus Getting Even For Losing WWII

     We’ve all seen these deathtraps on two wheels flying down the freeway at ludicrous speeds, painted in the latest “Sailor Moon” colors.  Usually, a few miles farther along, you’ll see them again, or at least parts of them… after their idiot rider has erased himself along a 400 yard stretch of red asphalt.  Why anyone needs a motorcycle that can go 180 miles per hour is beyond me.  Do you really think that the faux leather ass-less chaps you’re wearing are going to protect your dumb bare ass when you turn too quickly while avoiding the inevitable pothole you come across at 130mph?  And then there’s the traffic jam you cause while the authorities scrape what’s left of you into a bucket.  And the waiting I’ll have to endure while they draw the chalk line around your body outline… man they’ll need a lot of chalk to go around that 400 yard stretch of smeared blood, brains & skin.  And what about the nightmares my kids will have after seeing your arms, legs, and entrails scattered all over the road?  How inconsiderate.

     So, we know that there are idiots in this country that jump on these things and trust their fate to the prowess of a bored Japanese assembly line worker, but where, exactly, did they come from, and why?  My theory is simple: “Rice Rockets” were built by the Japanese with the express purpose of killing Americans, thus getting even for losing WWII.

     Think about it, people.  Losing face is a big thing in Asian societies.  You’ve built a “warrior” society run by samurai, with a code of honor and everything.  What’s a bigger loss of face than getting your butt kicked by a bunch of gum-chewing Yankee kids that ten weeks before putting on a uniform were down at the malt shoppe or driving dad’s tractor down the road to help the Smith’s raise a barn?  I mean, you’ve spent your whole life training as a ninja or sharpening your samurai sword so the edge was just so.  Meanwhile, “Radar” O’Reilly has been busy popping zits or trying to get his hand on Mary Jane’s boob on Saturday night.  He hasn’t been worrying about politics or whether anyone has been living up to the Washington Naval Conference limits on Battleships.  Heck, most people didn’t even know where Pearl Harbor was before December 7^th, 1941.  But, once you start it, them boys from the farms and pool halls will surely finish it for you.

Tora! Tora! Tora! Samurai mice on the move!

     So, for years they have been waiting… plotting… looking for the perfect opportunity to strike.  You see, ninja are patient.  Ninja are stealthy.  Ninja always get their man.  Ok, maybe that last one refers to Canadian ninja, but it doesn’t detract from the fact that their plan is down right diabolical: let the U.S. occupy the home islands.  Let the U.S. rebuild the infrastructure.  Let the U.S. protect the Japanese people from the Ruskkies and the ChiComs by outlawing a military force in the new constitution.  I’m sure this is the reason Amelia Earhart was shot down by Japanese planes over the South Pacific in 1937.  She must’ve found out their evil plan sometime during her daring, but doomed flight around the world.  And for that she paid the ultimate price.  And, so did her navigator, whose name will only be known to the wind and the Japanese devils that brought them down (and those with access to Wikepedia.)

     So, how can you fight the evil, ninja-like Japanese plan to get even for losing WWII and get revenge for the dastardly murder of American heroine Amelia Earhart and her just-as-worthy, but not-as-famous almost unknown navigator?  Easy.  Take these “rice rockets” off the road.  Let’s say you’re stuck in a traffic jam & one of these smarmy clowns is riding between the lanes, laughing at all you “four-wheels” that are stuck going 5 miles per hour, then zero miles per hour, then 5 miles per hour… infinity.  Change lanes suddenly, and, whoops… sorry ‘bout that!  Maybe tell the guys in the biker bar you’re having a drink at that the guy who just rolled up on that brand new, sleek Japanese bike told you that “Anyone who rides a Harley is just afraid of riding a ‘real’ set of wheels.”  Problem solved.

     So, you see, you can have an impact on the course of events.  You can make a difference.  All you have to do is remember that you have the ingenuity… the American ingenuity to fight back.  Remember the things that I have pointed out.  Remember Pearl Harbor!  Remember the Alamo!  And most of all, remember Amelia and her almost unknown navigator, and their ultimate sacrifice on the altar of freedom.  Harrumph…