So, I’m sitting
in the office of my allergy clinic waiting to get my monthly allergy shot. I know that I’m, like, fifth on the list so
I should be out of there & on with my life in just a couple of minutes. One person gets called in and a minute later
they’re done… great! Another goes in
and out. Alright, I’ll be outta here
even quicker than I thought! Third
person goes in & pops right back out!
Finally the fourth person gets called in. A lady with two little kids.
The same lady that a couple of minutes earlier, I held the door open for
(being the gentleman evil genius that I am) and stupidly let her sign in on the
list before me. She goes in with her
two urchins… and proceeds to turn a one-minute (ok, maybe two minutes-one for
each creature she’s dragged in) assembly line process into a half hour, full on
doctor’s appointment! “Well what about
if little Hector has a reaction?” “What
exactly should I be looking for?” “Can
I bring Garbanzo in next Tuesday instead of Wednesday?” And on & on & on.
And it’s not
just at the allergy clinic. It happens
everywhere! Let's say you have to return that $8
shirt you bought at Walmart because it turns out that “XL” made in Sri Lanka
wouldn’t fit a Ken doll in the U.S. Of course, the guy in line in front of you not only doesn’t have his
receipt for the Xbox he’s trying to return but it still has the “Target” price
sticker on the box & he’s already arguing with the clerk about “the
customer is always right” & he’s gonna stand there until the store manager
(who just started his one-hour lunch at the local Flinger’s across town) makes
this right, personally. And the clerk
can’t help you while they try to rustle up the assistant manager because the
register is locked up since they already started the previous transaction. AAARRRRRGGGG!!!!!
Now, you’ve all
been here before: Which lane do you
pick during your morning commute? You
know that you never pick the fast lane because everyone tries to get into the
fast lane because, after all, it is the “fast lane.” Never pick the slow lane because that’s where all the semi trucks
are, and everyone knows that all those semi trucks are gonna be one long line
of misery if you get into it. So that
leaves one of the two middle lanes.
Hmmm, can’t pick the one next to the fast lane because that’s where all
the smarmy assclowns go who think they’ve outsmarted the fast lane and you’re
not a smarmy assclown… ARE YOU? Can’t
pick the one next to the slow lane because that’s where grandma & grandpa
dwell. You know, the ones who
habitually drive 10 miles per hour slower than the speed limit and were last
coherent when FDR was president? So
what’s the answer? Well the short
answer is to just call in sick and go fishing but I know you’re not like that
so the answer for you is that you’re screwed no matter which lane you
choose. Pick the fast lane and all
those smarmy assclowns will be flying past you laughing at your incompetence. Pick the smarmy lane and you’ll sit there at
a full stop while grandpa drives by flipping you off. Jump into grandpa’s lane and even those semis will be passing you
by like Mario Andretti. Finally, get in
there with those truckers and that’ll be the day that the fast lane lives up to
its name. Oh, and you’ll get a nasty
windshield crack from that Xingxou truck in front of you. Worst of all, if you’re one of those drivers
who keeps changing lanes, trying to find the fastest one, you’ll actually end
up going backwards and find yourself at your point of origin (that means “where
you started from” for everyone born after 1977 out there) before the morning’s
over.
It doesn’t
matter. It happens everywhere you
go. Supermarket, hardware store,
emergency room, airport security, freeway, everywhere. And you’re not alone. Studies show that 98% of Americans pick the
longest line 96% of the time.*
Americans appear to be cursed in this matter. Even GPS’s can’t find the shortest lane. “Move one lane to the right… recalculating…
move another lane to the right… no move a lane to the left… no maybe stay in
the lane you’re already in… recalculating… crap!” With these statistics and by using geometric logic we can prove
beyond the shadow of a doubt that Americans are just plain f*&ked when it
comes to picking the shortest line… or are they?
Yes, once again
HARRUMPH has uncovered what’s behind this dreadful problem. Statistically, you can’t have 98% of people
in the longest line, that’s just plain crazy talk.
And, you can’t pick the worst freeway lane every day of your sorry life. Statistics don’t work that way. Test it out by flipping a coin a thousand
times or shuffling a deck of cards and picking out the joker. I’m not sure just what those tests would
prove normally but for our purposes you must do them behind closed doors.
In private. Away from prying eyes.
Specifically, away from prying Chinese eyes. Yes, you’ve guessed it… it’s a Communist
Chinese plot to drive Americans crazy and therefore pave the way for an easy
invasion of the American homeland.
After all, it’s easy to drive a tank over someone you’ve driven crazy
who otherwise might be driving a tank to stop you (I once saw that on a fortune
cookie.)
Obviously, this
is all being orchestrated by the ChiCom intelligence forces (aided no doubt by
satanic Apple computer products.) The
next time you find yourself on the freeway cut off by a car that by all logic
should’ve stayed in the lane next to you, look for the “control” van driving a
little ahead of you. They’re there all
right; issuing orders to their minions, plotting the doom of American culture,
one lane change at a time.
 |
| He's laughing at you, people. Fight the ChiCom menace! |
Don’t become yet
another victim of this evil Chinese plot!
Fight the ChiCom menace!
Remember the immortal words of someone who came before us: “We shall go on to the end. We shall fight on the seas and oceans. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall
fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets,
we shall fight in the supermarket lines and the freeway lanes, we shall fight
in the Walmart return lines; we shall never surrender.” Harrumph…
* Not factually correct
You left out the ChiCom plot in all of the stores now, the insipid self check out line. You know that has to be a plot to ruin the minds of Americans. The first thing the stupid thing does is ask you what language you want. REALLY??? This is America people, English should be the default and you would have to call an Immigration official to use a different language, that would clear that up pretty quickly. Then of course you start trying to scan your items, they haven't cleaned the glass in forever, so it's like trying to look through a dirty ice cube. Now that you've had to scan everything three times trying to get it read through the dirty, scratched glass, you come upon the worst item in your basket to scan, something that has the bar code on a curved surface. Forget it, it won't scan no matter what you try, so now you have to wait for help and the clerk brings over the little gun that scans everything perfectly the first time. Tell me thats not a ChiCom plot. They are laughing their little communist asses off at us right now.
ReplyDeleteI agree. The only lines I want anything to do with are the long lines of ChiComs we can march into the sea 8 abreast (remember, it has been statistically proven that if you marched the population of The people's Republic of China into the sea 4 abreast you would never run out of them.) This method has the added benefit of not depleting our nuclear arsenal either! Let the long lines begin at Shaghai & Hong Kong! Muahahaha!!!!!!
ReplyDelete