Last Sunday was
Easter. As you know, I dedicated that
harrumph to the Easter season and all it means. In the process I unmasked the Easter Bunny for what he is: A meth-addicted tool of the evil ChiComs,
corrupting the youth of our republic and setting the stage for an inevitable
Chinese invasion of the United States.
And, as I indicated in the narrative for this week’s poll, the HARRUMPH
mailbox was overflowing with vile, demented e-mails from those that I call
“Godders,” consisting of people who feel they are too “enlightened” to have
faith in some all-knowing, all-seeing “monkey-man” in the sky. Most of the correspondence received
consisted of “Godders” demanding equal time for their point of view. I have accepted their challenge and
therefore I present you with an argument for the “other side” of the religious
discussion, specifically the side that refutes the existence of God in order to
excuse their self-centered behavior and allow them to justify their lives of
excessiveness and debauchery.
So, where
exactly is the proof that Jesus was the Son of God? Well, “Godders” deny that there is any. Jesus, they say, wasn’t borne to the Earth in a golden chariot,
piloted by a white-bearded elderly man and drawn by eight tiny angels, halos
and wings included. So-called miracles
of turning water into wine and curing leprosy?
Simple parlor tricks, they argue.
After all, David Copperfield made a space shuttle disappear and that’s
got to be, like, ten times harder than making wine out of water. And as for curing leprosy, I’m sure I saw an
infomercial just the other night about some medicine that eliminates pimples
and everyone knows that pimples are much grosser than leprosy sores.
And, everyone
knows that magic wands can be used to create any miracle you’d want. Need to feed a multitude and all you’ve got
are five loaves of bread and two fish?
No problem, just whip out your magic wand and it’s Big Macs for
everyone! After all, the “Godders” say,
Jesus began performing miracles as an adult.
Why, they say, didn’t an adolescent Jesus miracle up a set of Lincoln
logs or a couple of nerf guns when he was a youngster? I mean, everyone loves Lincoln logs. The simple explanation is that when he was
19 or 20 he must’ve found an old, discarded or lost magic wand. Obviously, once he had a magic wand in hand
he could cook up anything and then just say that, as the Son of God, he
miracled up whatever it was. Cure the
lepers, feed the hungry, throw out the moneychangers, walking on water, parting
the seas. No, wait a minute, that last
one was Moses… hmmmm, he must’ve had a magic wand too.
So, anyway back
to our short allegorical story (or parable) about Jesus. The “Godders” say that further proof of the
magic wand theory takes place near the end of Jesus’ time on Earth. They say that once he was condemned to
crucifixion he could’ve miracled himself away to some cool, south sea island,
or even to the top of a nearby hill where he could hide from the Roman
soldiers… except for the fact that he had no place to hide his magic
wand; no shirt, no shoes, no service.
This, they say, is the final proof.
 |
| I think this says it all... |
I say even if
Jesus was just some normal guy who found a magic wand, or was an alien, or
a time traveler or any one of a hundred other theories; what skin is it off of
your back to just have a little faith in that all-knowing, all-seeing
“monkey-man” in the sky? What does it
cost you? Why are you sooo against the
idea of God?
Look, just think
of faith as one of those free $1000 life insurance policies your credit union
wants you to have. It doesn’t cost a
dime and you are under no obligation to buy any more. Yeah sure, maybe you’ll have to delete a spam e-mail or take a
sales call every once in a while… but ain’t it worth it? Just in case? Just in case you wake up after you die and find out that in your
infinite wisdom… you were wrong. And
you find yourself standing tall before “The Man” trying to come up with a good
explanation for why you didn’t want that free insurance policy before he pushes
the button that will send you plummeting into a lake of fire and brimstone… forever? I mean, forever’s a really long time. So I say, once again, why not take out that
free insurance, lest you find yourself on the “down” escalator with Bill
Maher. Now that really would be
hell! Harrumph…
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