Harrumph File #070 05.29.2011_Memorial Day 2011

     As you enjoy your Memorial Day weekend this year I would like you to think about what this holiday means to you.  Many people just look at it as the beginning of summer or the first bar-be-que or camping trip of the season.  And, although these are fun things to do, and you should enjoy yourselves, please remember those that, as our sixteenth president, Abraham Lincoln so ably put it, “gave the last full measure of devotion.”  And, although many people nowadays thank those that have, or are, serving our country in uniform (which is greatly appreciated,) Memorial Day is actually for those whom we have lost on the long road to preserving our freedom.

     On Memorial Day we remember those men that President Lincoln at Gettysburg called “these honored dead.”  We remember those that died at Pearl Harbor even before they knew they were at war.  We remember the men that began the Bataan death march but did not complete it.  We remember those that died at Omaha and Utah beaches and above the fields of Normandy.  We remember the men who died on countless Pacific islands and in the endless skies.  We remember the men who never walked back down the unnamed hills of Korea and Vietnam.  We remember those that never came back from the streets of Beirut and Mogadishu.  We remember the men and women that liberated Iraq but never returned.  We remember those that fought & died in the mountains of Afghanistan.  We remember all of those that gave the “last full measure of devotion” upon a thousand battlefields across the globe.  We remember.  We shall never forget.

     Not all of the fallen have received medals for bravery or sacrifice.  However, as a tribute to those that have gone before us and secured our liberty through their ultimate sacrifice I would like to present the citation for the fourth Medal of Honor awarded in the war on terrorism.  Like so many before, this one was awarded posthumously.  Throughout the history of our republic 3,473 times the Congressional Medal of Honor has been awarded for actions above and beyond the call of duty normally expected from an American warrior.  On April 8^th, 2008 President Bush presented the Medal of Honor to the parents of Petty Officer Second Class (SEAL) Michael A. Monsoor.

Petty Officer Michael A. Monsoor

April 8^th, 2008

The President of the United States, in the name of the Congress, takes pride in presenting the Medal of Honor, posthumously to MASTER-AT-ARMS SECOND CLASS (SEA, AIR AND LAND) MICHAEL A. MONSOOR UNITED STATES NAVY.

FOR CONSPICUOUS GALLANTRY AND INTREPIDITY AT THE RISK OF HIS LIFE ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY AS AUTOMATIC WEAPONS GUNNER FOR NAVAL SPECIAL WARFARE TASK GROUP ARABIAN PENINSULA, IN SUPPORT OF OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM ON 29 SEPTEMBER 2006. AS A MEMBER OF A COMBINED SEAL AND IRAQI ARMY SNIPER OVERWATCH ELEMENT, TASKED WITH PROVIDING EARLY WARNING AND STAND-OFF PROTECTION FROM A ROOFTOP IN AN INSURGENT HELD SECTOR OF AR RAMADI, IRAQ, PETTY OFFICER MONSOOR DISTINGUISHED HIMSELF BY HIS EXCEPTIONAL BRAVERY IN THE FACE OF GRAVE DANGER. IN THE EARLY MORNING, INSURGENTS PREPARED TO EXECUTE A COORDINATED ATTACK BY RECONNOITERING THE AREA AROUND THE ELEMENT’S POSITION. ELEMENT SNIPERS THWARTED THE ENEMY’S INITIAL ATTEMPT BY ELIMINATING TWO INSURGENTS. THE ENEMY CONTINUED TO ASSAULT THE ELEMENT, ENGAGING THEM WITH A ROCKET-PROPELLED GRENADE AND SMALL ARMS FIRE. AS ENEMY ACTIVITY INCREASED, PETTY OFFICER MONSOOR TOOK POSITION WITH HIS MACHINE GUN BETWEEN TWO TEAMMATES ON AN OUTCROPPING OF THE ROOF. WHILE THE SEALS VIGILANTLY WATCHED FOR ENEMY ACTIVITY, AN INSURGENT THREW A HAND GRENADE FROM AN UNSEEN LOCATION, WHICH BOUNCED OFF PETTY OFFICER MONSOOR’S CHEST AND LANDED IN FRONT OF HIM. ALTHOUGH ONLY HE COULD HAVE ESCAPED THE BLAST, PETTY OFFICER MONSOOR CHOSE INSTEAD TO PROTECT HIS TEAMMATES.  INSTANTLY AND WITHOUT REGARD FOR HIS OWN SAFETY, HE THREW HIMSELF ONTO THE GRENADE TO ABSORB THE FORCE OF THE EXPLOSION WITH HIS BODY, SAVING THE LIVES OF HIS TWO TEAMMATES. BY HIS UNDAUNTED COURAGE, FIGHTING SPIRIT, AND UNWAVERING DEVOTION TO DUTY IN THE FACE OF CERTAIN DEATH, PETTY OFFICER MONSOOR GALLANTLY GAVE HIS LIFE FOR HIS COUNTRY, THEREBY REFLECTING GREAT CREDIT UPON HIMSELF AND UPHOLDING THE HIGHEST TRADITIONS OF THE UNITED STATES NAVAL SERVICE.

SIGNED GEORGE W. BUSH

No poll this week in observance of Memorial Day

     There will be no poll this week as HARRUMPH observes Memorial Day.  A special Memorial Day Harrumph File post will be uploaded Sunday.

Poll #39 ends. So if “Judgment Day” happens on May 21st, what exactly will happen?

     Hello people of the world, Gabriel here again.  Well, as you’ve all probably realized the world didn’t end last Saturday.  I sat around waiting and waiting for the call from the “Big Guy” all day long.  You know, I must’ve checked my cell for a God text a million times!  I was ready to go too!  The horn was all polished up, Maher’s address was loaded into the GPS, heck I even sharpened up the sword so that I wouldn’t get slowed down reaping souls (you see, Michael and I kinda have a bet going on as to who can bag the most souls during the apocalypse.)

     I had a great plan too.  I was figuring on appearing down in Georgia or Alabama as soon as I got the “go” signal and just work my way through the “Bible belt.”  Michael was going to head up to D.C. and start there.  I think that I would’ve bagged more souls even if the population’s a little thinner down in Dixie than in Washington.  Heck, I think Michaels plan is flawed from the beginning.  Yeah, there might be more people up in the D.C. area but everyone knows that politicians have no souls so he’ll be spending his time wading through the political “chaff” while I’ll be bagging church after church of Baptists.

     So anyway, no apocalypse this month so the sword and horn go back on the shelf.  But they’re ready to go, so as soon as I get the “go” text from the “Big Guy” you might be seeing me.  Hopefully sooner than later!

Harrumph File #069 05.22.2011_Judgment Day

     Well, it’s May 22^nd, 2011 and we’re still here.  The world hasn’t ended.  I know, I know.  Many of you, including this commentator, are sorely disappointed but we must “lean forward” and “move on” like the good little troopers that we are.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about (which seems to be a recurring theme here at HARRUMPH,) then I’ll give you a brief tutorial.  May 21^st, 2011 was singled out by someone, somewhere, as “Judgment Day.”  The end of time.  God’s final judgment of the living and the dead.  Now, I’m sure this person used good geometric logic and proper analytical thinking to come up with this date.  But, just as men have been wrong before (like how the White House stewards underestimated this president’s appetite for lobster,) apparently he was wrong this time.

     As I said earlier, I am a bit disappointed with this turn of events.  After all, now I’ve got plenty of pre-positioned rifle magazines that will need unloading, sand bags that have to be emptied and put into storage, and doors & windows that will need to be unboarded.  You see, that’s the one thing about all these people that have been warning that the end of the world is just around the corner (Nostradamus, the Y2Kers, Mayans, religious zealots, politicians, etc.)  You can’t just ignore them because, what if they’re right?  The last thing you want happening to you at the apocalypse is to have an empty tank of gas, no emergency food supplies, and empty rifle magazines.  And, I know it’s hard to believe but what if that one nut that’s saying something like “the end of the world will take place at precisely 2:14 pm Eastern Standard Time, Tuesday, July 18^th, 2017” is the one guy that actually knows?

     It would be like a movie or something.  You’ve all seen it before:  Nicholas Cage (it’s always Nicholas Cage) is told by some alien, or maybe it’s an angel, or even if it’s just Stephen Hawking that comes to him in a dream or something.  He goes around telling people about it wearing that puppy dog look of his, and running from government agents (the government always knows about these things and tries to cover them up… because that’s just what the government does) the entire movie.  By the end of the flick his girlfriend (who was just a computer programmer or museum guide he ran into at the beginning of the film) finally believes him and just as the government agents are closing in on them, God and Stephen Hawking appear on a golden chariot and call them off because “just one man was able to make a difference” and mankind is good to go for another millennium or so, blah, blah.

Better set that clock back a few ticks, boys.

     Well, I for one am getting tired of all the rifle magazine stacking and unstacking I’ve been forced to do over the last decade or so.  My door jambs and window frames can’t take another nailing and unnailing of reinforcing boards.  Sand bags aren’t cheap either, you know.  I’m telling you “experts” out there, quit telling us that “there’s a good possibility” that Haley’s comet might hit the earth the next time around, or that world monetary systems will collapse if we don’t have a debt ceiling, or that Nostradamus’ eighty-fifth quatrain used the word “Hister” and that that’s only one letter away from “Hitler” and that means that the end of the world is just around the corner, blah, blah, blah.  Jeeze, the word “Idiots” is only four letters away from “Hister,” what do you think that means, you jack wagons?  Experts, Bah! (hand waves dramatically.)  When you find the quatrain that gives us a definite date give me a call.  Otherwise take a lesson from the Georgia Satellites and “don’t hand me no lines, and keep your hands to yourself!”  Harrumph…

Poll #39 So if “Judgment Day” happens on May 21st, what exactly will happen?

            Hello, my name is Gabriel and I’ve been asked to introduce this week’s HARRUMPH poll.  You may have seen me in such films as “Dominion,” “Legion,” and “Frankenpimp.”  Well, ok, so maybe I didn’t actually appear in these films (and many more) but they did use characters based on me. You may have also heard of me in other works of literature, such as “The Gospel According to Luke.”  Yes, “that” Gabriel.  But, you see my day job can be rather boring.  It generally consists of waiting around to do one well, kinda big event:  You see, I’ve got this horn and it’s my job to use it to initiate the end of time and the general resurrection at the Last Judgment.  Now, I can’t do this any time I want to mind you.  It’s the “Big Guy” who’ll tell me when to go ahead and play that note that everyone down on earth is dreading.  Hmmm, maybe not everyone, I think Bill Maher and a few others couldn’t give a rats you-know-what about it, but you know, it’ll be quite a sight to see the look on his face when he hears it!  Ha ha, hope the “Big Guy” lets me chose where I get to blow the horn from!  Note to self: Google Maher’s address and put it in the GPS.  Anyway, there’s a possibility that this Saturday, May 21^st, 2011 might be the big day so you go ahead and vote & I’ll polish up the ‘ol horn so we’re both ready!

Poll #38 ends. Which would be the best line to get into at the supermarket?

     The poll results are rather easy this week.  All responders picked the only correct answer, #4; it doesn’t matter which line you get into, it’ll end up being the longest line out of the entire bunch.  So, like Batman, you may as well pick the line that you’ll get the most out of.  And, although I don’t recommend you pick your line based on bust size (ok, so maybe I do but the final decision is yours) there are an infinite number of decisions you can make.  Do you pick the line with the “Enquirer” prominently displayed… and in a position from which you can read the cover while seemingly looking at the sudoku books right next to it so that everyone else in the area won’t think you’re trailer trash?  Do you pick the line with the Fritos and Lays chip bags or do you move one over and get in the line with the “healthy” snack chips made out of vegetables and tofu?  You know, I really don’t care which one you choose as long as you don’t get into the one with the “Pirate’s Booty” chips… them things smell like feet, yuk.

     Congratulations to “Random Fact,” this week’s winner of a limited edition, special prize button!!!  Our first quadruple winner!!!  One more and he completes the set!!!

Harrumph File #068 05.15.2011_The Longest Line

     So, I’m sitting in the office of my allergy clinic waiting to get my monthly allergy shot.  I know that I’m, like, fifth on the list so I should be out of there & on with my life in just a couple of minutes.  One person gets called in and a minute later they’re done… great!  Another goes in and out.  Alright, I’ll be outta here even quicker than I thought!  Third person goes in & pops right back out!  Finally the fourth person gets called in.  A lady with two little kids.  The same lady that a couple of minutes earlier, I held the door open for (being the gentleman evil genius that I am) and stupidly let her sign in on the list before me.  She goes in with her two urchins… and proceeds to turn a one-minute (ok, maybe two minutes-one for each creature she’s dragged in) assembly line process into a half hour, full on doctor’s appointment!  “Well what about if little Hector has a reaction?”  “What exactly should I be looking for?”  “Can I bring Garbanzo in next Tuesday instead of Wednesday?”  And on & on & on.

     And it’s not just at the allergy clinic.  It happens everywhere!  Let's say you have to return that $8 shirt you bought at Walmart because it turns out that “XL” made in Sri Lanka wouldn’t fit a Ken doll in the U.S.  Of course, the guy in line in front of you not only doesn’t have his receipt for the Xbox he’s trying to return but it still has the “Target” price sticker on the box & he’s already arguing with the clerk about “the customer is always right” & he’s gonna stand there until the store manager (who just started his one-hour lunch at the local Flinger’s across town) makes this right, personally.  And the clerk can’t help you while they try to rustle up the assistant manager because the register is locked up since they already started the previous transaction.  AAARRRRRGGGG!!!!!

     Now, you’ve all been here before:  Which lane do you pick during your morning commute?  You know that you never pick the fast lane because everyone tries to get into the fast lane because, after all, it is the “fast lane.”  Never pick the slow lane because that’s where all the semi trucks are, and everyone knows that all those semi trucks are gonna be one long line of misery if you get into it.  So that leaves one of the two middle lanes.  Hmmm, can’t pick the one next to the fast lane because that’s where all the smarmy assclowns go who think they’ve outsmarted the fast lane and you’re not a smarmy assclown… ARE YOU?  Can’t pick the one next to the slow lane because that’s where grandma & grandpa dwell.  You know, the ones who habitually drive 10 miles per hour slower than the speed limit and were last coherent when FDR was president?  So what’s the answer?  Well the short answer is to just call in sick and go fishing but I know you’re not like that so the answer for you is that you’re screwed no matter which lane you choose.  Pick the fast lane and all those smarmy assclowns will be flying past you laughing at your incompetence.  Pick the smarmy lane and you’ll sit there at a full stop while grandpa drives by flipping you off.  Jump into grandpa’s lane and even those semis will be passing you by like Mario Andretti.  Finally, get in there with those truckers and that’ll be the day that the fast lane lives up to its name.  Oh, and you’ll get a nasty windshield crack from that Xingxou truck in front of you.  Worst of all, if you’re one of those drivers who keeps changing lanes, trying to find the fastest one, you’ll actually end up going backwards and find yourself at your point of origin (that means “where you started from” for everyone born after 1977 out there) before the morning’s over.

     It doesn’t matter.  It happens everywhere you go.  Supermarket, hardware store, emergency room, airport security, freeway, everywhere.  And you’re not alone.  Studies show that 98% of Americans pick the longest line 96% of the time.*  Americans appear to be cursed in this matter.  Even GPS’s can’t find the shortest lane.  “Move one lane to the right… recalculating… move another lane to the right… no move a lane to the left… no maybe stay in the lane you’re already in… recalculating… crap!”  With these statistics and by using geometric logic we can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that Americans are just plain f*&ked when it comes to picking the shortest line… or are they?

     Yes, once again HARRUMPH has uncovered what’s behind this dreadful problem.  Statistically, you can’t have 98% of people in the longest line, that’s just plain crazy talk.  And, you can’t pick the worst freeway lane every day of your sorry life.  Statistics don’t work that way.  Test it out by flipping a coin a thousand times or shuffling a deck of cards and picking out the joker.  I’m not sure just what those tests would prove normally but for our purposes you must do them behind closed doors.   In private.  Away from prying eyes.  Specifically, away from prying Chinese eyes.  Yes, you’ve guessed it… it’s a Communist Chinese plot to drive Americans crazy and therefore pave the way for an easy invasion of the American homeland.  After all, it’s easy to drive a tank over someone you’ve driven crazy who otherwise might be driving a tank to stop you (I once saw that on a fortune cookie.)

     Obviously, this is all being orchestrated by the ChiCom intelligence forces (aided no doubt by satanic Apple computer products.)  The next time you find yourself on the freeway cut off by a car that by all logic should’ve stayed in the lane next to you, look for the “control” van driving a little ahead of you.  They’re there all right; issuing orders to their minions, plotting the doom of American culture, one lane change at a time.

He's laughing at you, people.  Fight the ChiCom menace!

     Don’t become yet another victim of this evil Chinese plot!  Fight the ChiCom menace!  Remember the immortal words of someone who came before us:  “We shall go on to the end.  We shall fight on the seas and oceans.  We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the supermarket lines and the freeway lanes, we shall fight in the Walmart return lines; we shall never surrender.”  Harrumph…

* Not factually correct

Poll #38 Which would be the best line to get into at the supermarket?

     The following conversation was overheard by several customers at the local supermarket when a couple of superheroes from the “Superheroes Corps” came in to shop.

BATMAN:  “All right, we’ve got all the items Wonder Woman had on the shopping list.  Which line do we get into Superman?”

SUPERMAN:  “Well, using my super-intellect I’ve calculated the number of items in each line, the number of customers and an estimation of their I.Q., Each cashier’s ability with the cash register, and the experience level and efficiency of each bagger.  I would have to say that Chester’s line will be the shortest.”

BATMAN:  “Why do you have to do that every time?”

SUPERMAN:  “What are you talking about?”

BATMAN:  “You know what I’m talking about.  Every week you’ve got to do all these ‘super-calculations’ and you know, you haven’t been right once yet.”

SUPERMAN:  “I beg to differ.  Besides, we must take our valuable time into account.  We are, after all, superheroes and every minute spent not fighting crime is a part of the problem, not a part of the solution.  Chester’s got 20 years experience as a cashier and therefore his line has the advantage.”

BATMAN:  “Well, we’re not getting into Chester’s line, we’re getting into Brittany’s line.”

SUPERMAN:  “Brittany’s line?  But she’s only been working here for a couple of months.  We’ll be stuck there for several valuable minutes while she muddles through the check-out.  Besides, she’s almost tardish in her intellect.  Why would you choose her over Chester’s vast experience?”

BATMAN:  “Because, Chester may have vast experience but he doesn’t have a vast rack like Brittany does.”

ROBIN:  “Point of order: boob size has nothing to do with work efficiency!”

SUPERMAN & BATMAN (simultaneously): “Shut up, ‘Boy Wonder’ and get back in the basket!”

Poll #37 ends. Now that Usama Bin Laden’s time on this Earth has come to an end how do you envision he “left the building?”

     So, the poll results are out and you can see that one person believes the raid was all a government conspiracy; no one voted for choices #2 & 3, UBL going out like an action hero or a jibbering fool.  Most votes were for the “Jefferson Davis” method of dressing like a woman to get away.  Didn’t work for either Davis or UBL.  We now present more of the ocean floor recordings of who we believe to be the corpse of UBL.

*static*   “HARRUMPH Intelligence division tape, South Pacific: May 5^th, 0505 hours, sector NCE.”  *static*

     UBL—*sigh*  “You know, I’m just glad it’s all over.  The waiting… yes, the waiting was the worst.  It was very hard on my blood pressure.  Another couple of years and I probably would’ve had a heart attack.  *sigh*  with all my medical problems I need a heart attack like I need a hole in the head. *laughter*  Yes, yes, I know… a hole in the head… haha, I get it, because now I do have a hole in my head.  I can’t stand that either because crabs keep crawling in there thinking it’s an empty shell.  It’s also very boring here on the ocean floor.  I’m tired of just sitting here doing nothing while all my brothers in the caves are planning new attacks on the Great Satan.  I also miss watching “MANswers” on the Spike channel.  You don’t get good reception on the bottom of the ocean.  Do you know that you don’t even get Al Jazeera down here?  *sigh*  But enough about me, tell me more of the two of you.”

     NEW VOICE—“Well, we were on a record breaking ‘round the world flight a few years back.  We were almost home when we got jumped by some Japanese fighter planes and shot down.”

     UBL—“I see, but why did you have a woman on board?  And with no burka?”

     NEW VOICE—“No, you don’t understand.  She was the pilot.  I was just along as the navigator.”

     UBL—“A woman was in charge of this flight of yours?  I find that incredible!”

     NEW VOICE—“Yes, she was one helluva pilot!  You know, if you just talk to her instead of giving her the cold shoulder, I’m sure you could learn a lot.”

     UBL—“No, that’s impossible.  I cannot converse with her.  Best if she stays over there by the wreckage of your plane.  Yes, that would be best.”

     NEW VOICE—“Is it because of your religion?  Some Muslim law about not talking to women?”

     UBL—“No, it has nothing to do with that.  It’s just that she’s so moody.  It’s really a downer.  Besides, she could really use some bigger boobs!”

*static*   “HARRUMPH Intelligence division tape, South Pacific: May 5^th, 0516 hours, sector NCE.”  *static*

Harrumph File #067 05.08.2011_Under The SEA(Ls)

     So, after turning over the refuse pile that is the Middle East we finally got the head cockroach and served him an early morning breakfast of full metal-jacketed, 62 grain lead.  Now, although it was a brilliantly executed commando raid by consummate professionals, and it achieved 100% of the objectives assigned… personally I wanted a little more.  Specifically, I would have liked to have seen the SEALs capture the bastard, hog-tie him, and then cut off his evil head with the exact same kind of saw that was used to kill poor Danny Pearl.  Ok, I know that we’re the good guys and that we don’t do those kinds of things and that we have to stand for truth, justice and the American way.  But, don’t you wish that just once we would teach these clowns that when they mess with the U.S. that they might end up sewn up in the carcass of a pig and kicked out the back of a C-130 at 15,000 feet?  Now that’s what they mean when they say “…when pigs fly.”  Oh well, until that day comes I’ll still take a “single shot through the engine block” every time.

     So now everyone is talking about the “courageous decision” made by King Oba… Sorry, sorry, I mean President Obama.  They’re saying that he could’ve just dropped a bomb on the building instead of risking American lives in a “daring” raid, deep in enemy territory (Yes, I know UBL was hiding in Pakistan… “Indian territory” if there ever was any.  Heck, there was probably an old 7^th Cavalry guidon hanging on one of the walls.)  So anyway, let’s examine the decision to send the SEALs in.  First of all, every SEAL that went on the raid was a volunteer, twice over.  They volunteered to join the military and they volunteered for special forces training.  They knew what they were risking.  And, I guarantee that every single SEAL, Green Beret, and Marine Recon warrior we have wishes he was on that raid.  Every SEAL who was assigned to perimeter security on the raid wished he was on the entry team.  And, every SEAL on the entry team wished he was the first guy in.  This is what they do.  They don’t do it for fame.  They don’t do it for fortune.  They do it because it’s what they’ve been trained to do.

     Now, one other thing must be said about “the decision.”  We didn’t send in a four or eight man team, which is how SEALs and other special forces troops normally operate… we sent 40 guys.   I don’t care if UBL was being guarded by a whole battalion of Pakistanis… by sending in 40 SEALs the result would’ve been the same:  SEALs-all come back alive; enemy-all dead.  Heck, with 40 SEALs I could take over the bottom 90% of countries in the world.  And we’ve got way more than 40 SEALs.  Not to mention the fact that there was probably a company or two of Rangers or Marines backing them up on 5 minute strip alert, an AWACs controlling the whole thing and an AC-130 or two orbiting overhead… and the entire air wing of the U.S.S. Carl Vinson orbiting over the Arabian Sea loaded for bear.  So… courageous decision?  Come on, if Donald Duck was president right now we’d all be saying that he was the greatest since Teddy Roosevelt… Jeeze… let’s save the remarks about courage for the guys whose names nobody knows… the guys who actually went in there and shot that moron in the face.

     Now, I can praise the president for one part of this entire operation.  Did you notice what I noticed in that picture of the national security team gathered around watching the operation “real-time?”  No, besides the facts that Hillary still looks like a ventriloquists’ dummy and Biden was wide awake.  There wasn’t a tray full of lobster carcasses shoved against the wall like there usually is during current White House meetings.  Seriously did you ever notice that?  Michelle goes to Spain-eats lobster for every meal.  The president & his family go visit the gulf during the oil spill-lobster for every meal.  State dinner-lobster.  Super bowl-lobster & bbq wings.  Hmmm… movin’ on up!

     One other thing:  burying this clown at sea.  Yeah, I get the fact that now there’s no shrine (or “Mecca” if you’ll please,) for followers to go to and wail (or whatever they do at shrines.)  But, you know me… I wanted a little more.  I was kinda hoping that we might prop up his dead carcass in the rotunda of the Capitol Building.  You know, put him in a simple pine box, like the outlaws of the old west.  Cross his arms (I know, “cross” his arms—kinda funny) and put a couple of halakadollars on his eyes.  Whoops… on his eye, and charge people a nickel to get a look at the bastard before the Navy dumps him, unceremoniously, into the sea (or maybe the Hudson River.  See, I didn’t forget you New Yorkers!)

     So, speaking of burying him at sea, I like to imagine that somewhere down there, under the sea, is a rotting corpse thinking to himself “WTF did I start with those Americans all those years ago?  Note to self: next time take on the French or the Spanish, at least we know that they’ll give up after a couple of weeks.”  So, here is my rendition (haha—sorry) of UBL singing that classic song from Disney’s “The Little Mermaid,”  “Under The Sea.”  You can play the original song for background.

People listen to me

The human world it’s a mess

But life under the sea ain’t better than

anything they’ve got up there.

The hummus is always better
On somebody else's plate
You dream of your own compound
But that is a big mistake
Enjoy the cave you’ve haunted
Be happy you’re nothing more
When you’re number one wanted
It’s you that they’re lookin' for!

Under the sea
Under the sea
People it's better
Not where it's wetter
Take it from me
Up in the caves they plan all day
For a terrorists’ ballet
Meanwhile I’m sittin’
Time’s unremitting
Under the sea

Up in the caves they ain’t happy
They cryin’ for their moms
In the caves they getting’ slappy
They sad 'cause they getting bombed
But fish on the list ain’t lucky
They in for a worser fate
One day the U.S. find you
SEALs take you on a one-way date

Under the sea
Under the sea
Nobody hears me
Crabs even eat me
Under the sea
When my life the SEALs they took
Now infidels are off the hook
They got no troubles
I’m outta bubbles
Under the sea
Under the sea

Now we retreat here
We getting beat here
Naturally

Their guns you can’t dismiss
Them Navy SEALs they never miss
They got the spirit
I constantly hear it
Under the sea

We shoot & we scoot
The SEALs have the wheels
They capture our guys
No court of appeals
The spies in disguise
They poured on a board
Guantanamo’s on a roll!
(Yeah)

The CIA plays
The detainee sings
The troops movin’ out
Their planes got the wings
The SEALs are all that
They know where it's at
An' oh that safehouse blows!

Under the sea
Under the sea
I smell like sardines
Here come the Marines
It's like we’re just fleas
What do we got? A lot of sand
They got the US Marine Corps band
Each little clam here
Treats me like ham here
Under the sea
Each little fish here
Makes me a dish here
Under the sea
Each little snail here
Calls me a failure
That's why I’m rotting
Instead of plotting
I’m outta luck here
Sitting in muck here
Under the sea

 

Harrumph…

Poll #37 Now that Usama Bin Laden has received justice at the business end of a SEAL’s weapon, how do you envision he “left the building?”

     HARRUMPH scientists have been busy searching for the discarded carcass of the most wanted man on Earth since it was revealed that he was dumped off of the U.S.S. Carl Vinson’s deck last Sunday.  As part of that search we have been pinging away with sonars in the wake of the great ship.  Sadly, we have yet to locate his exact position.  However, our “passive” listening devices did record some unusual activity in the South Pacific and it is now presented for your perusal. 

*static*   “HARRUMPH Intelligence division tape, South Pacific: May 5^th, 0430 hours, sector NCE.”  *static*

     “…yes, and so I was really surprised when they came in… No, I had heard the helicopters only at the last minute and then Boom! Bang! Pop!  Abdul runs in and says ‘It’s the Americans!’ Another loud “bang!” and his head just kind of came apart… I tell you, I was so scared that I made a poopie in my dishdasha.  And that was one of my good ones too.  You know, a nice white one I got for Ramadan from “Dishdasha Wearhouse.”

     “I don’t know.  Then I started waddling down the hall, trying to get away and all of a sudden this rough-looking man, all dressed in black, comes out of nowhere and all I see is this gigantic muzzle of a rifle in my face!  Well, Abdul’s AK was laying on the ground and, you know, he sure didn’t need it any longer so I went for it and this guy with the rifle says, in perfect halakese, “Bad move, buddy” and bam!  All I see is a white flash and the bullet hit my head so hard that it even knocked my raggedy hat off!”

     “I think the worst part about it… even more than the waiting…  You know, I knew that some day they would find me.  Ten years… those damn Americans never give up.  Anyway, the worst part about it is that they ransacked the compound after they killed me!  I mean, yeah take the computers and files and stuff, but did they really have to rummage through all my records?  Do you know that they broke a bunch of my Barry Manilow albums?  And you just can’t get vinyl anywhere nowadays too!”

     *static*   “HARRUMPH Intelligence division tape, South Pacific: May 5^th, 0437 hours, sector NCE.”  *static*

            HARRUMPH has not confirmed just who it is that was recorded, or to whom he was talking to but there are several more hours of recordings to catalog and as we go through them we will bring them to you.

Poll #36 ends. So if Bill Maher and the rest of the God-deniers are wrong, what form will God adopt to mete out their just reward?

     Well, as you can see from the poll results, Bill Maher and the rest of the “Godders” out there will probably face a very angry Charlton Heston when they “meet their maker” once their time on earth has expired.  I don’t know about you, but those would be shoes I wouldn’t want to be standing in!  Personally, If I were standing in judgment I would have to throw out a cool tagline like “We keep you alive to serve this ship” (Ben-Hur, 1959) as I sent Maher on his long journey down the escalator!

     Congratulations to C.M. of Union City, California; this week’s winner of a limited edition special prize button!

Harrumph File #066 05.01.2011_What If Jesus Was Just A Guy Who Found A Magic Wand?

     Last Sunday was Easter.  As you know, I dedicated that harrumph to the Easter season and all it means.  In the process I unmasked the Easter Bunny for what he is:  A meth-addicted tool of the evil ChiComs, corrupting the youth of our republic and setting the stage for an inevitable Chinese invasion of the United States.  And, as I indicated in the narrative for this week’s poll, the HARRUMPH mailbox was overflowing with vile, demented e-mails from those that I call “Godders,” consisting of people who feel they are too “enlightened” to have faith in some all-knowing, all-seeing “monkey-man” in the sky.  Most of the correspondence received consisted of “Godders” demanding equal time for their point of view.  I have accepted their challenge and therefore I present you with an argument for the “other side” of the religious discussion, specifically the side that refutes the existence of God in order to excuse their self-centered behavior and allow them to justify their lives of excessiveness and debauchery.

     So, where exactly is the proof that Jesus was the Son of God?  Well, “Godders” deny that there is any.  Jesus, they say, wasn’t borne to the Earth in a golden chariot, piloted by a white-bearded elderly man and drawn by eight tiny angels, halos and wings included.  So-called miracles of turning water into wine and curing leprosy?  Simple parlor tricks, they argue.  After all, David Copperfield made a space shuttle disappear and that’s got to be, like, ten times harder than making wine out of water.  And as for curing leprosy, I’m sure I saw an infomercial just the other night about some medicine that eliminates pimples and everyone knows that pimples are much grosser than leprosy sores.

     And, everyone knows that magic wands can be used to create any miracle you’d want.  Need to feed a multitude and all you’ve got are five loaves of bread and two fish?  No problem, just whip out your magic wand and it’s Big Macs for everyone!  After all, the “Godders” say, Jesus began performing miracles as an adult.  Why, they say, didn’t an adolescent Jesus miracle up a set of Lincoln logs or a couple of nerf guns when he was a youngster?  I mean, everyone loves Lincoln logs.  The simple explanation is that when he was 19 or 20 he must’ve found an old, discarded or lost magic wand.  Obviously, once he had a magic wand in hand he could cook up anything and then just say that, as the Son of God, he miracled up whatever it was.  Cure the lepers, feed the hungry, throw out the moneychangers, walking on water, parting the seas.  No, wait a minute, that last one was Moses… hmmmm, he must’ve had a magic wand too.

     So, anyway back to our short allegorical story (or parable) about Jesus.  The “Godders” say that further proof of the magic wand theory takes place near the end of Jesus’ time on Earth.  They say that once he was condemned to crucifixion he could’ve miracled himself away to some cool, south sea island, or even to the top of a nearby hill where he could hide from the Roman soldiers… except for the fact that he had no place to hide his magic wand; no shirt, no shoes, no service.  This, they say, is the final proof.

I think this says it all...

     I say even if Jesus was just some normal guy who found a magic wand, or was an alien, or a time traveler or any one of a hundred other theories; what skin is it off of your back to just have a little faith in that all-knowing, all-seeing “monkey-man” in the sky?  What does it cost you?  Why are you sooo against the idea of God?

     Look, just think of faith as one of those free $1000 life insurance policies your credit union wants you to have.  It doesn’t cost a dime and you are under no obligation to buy any more.  Yeah sure, maybe you’ll have to delete a spam e-mail or take a sales call every once in a while… but ain’t it worth it?  Just in case?  Just in case you wake up after you die and find out that in your infinite wisdom… you were wrong.  And you find yourself standing tall before “The Man” trying to come up with a good explanation for why you didn’t want that free insurance policy before he pushes the button that will send you plummeting into a lake of fire and brimstone… forever?  I mean, forever’s a really long time.  So I say, once again, why not take out that free insurance, lest you find yourself on the “down” escalator with Bill Maher.  Now that really would be hell!  Harrumph…