The
HARRUMPH Intelligence division has been very active throughout the world
recently. Obviously, most of our assets
have been detailed to support our combat operations in the Chinese theater and
against the ruthless mime army in Paris.
However,
this does not mean to imply that we have neglected other important areas of
interest. Our agents have successfully
infiltrated a separatist movement by circus clowns in North Dakota, and we have
many assets studying the world-wide stripper conspiracy,* headquartered in Las
Vegas. In addition, we have agents in
place, some in deep cover, keeping an eye in other global danger zones.
The
following transcript was recorded by one of our listening posts in the
Mediterranean. We believe it is “Agent
X,” formerly of MI6 and currently in deep cover, Egypt. He spent the previous five months disguised
as a mummy in the Cairo Museum of Antiquities.
“…every night I have the same dream. I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor.
That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a
straight razor, and surviving. We must
kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig, cow after cow, village after
village, army after army. And they call me an assassin. What do you call it
when the assassins accuse the assassin ? They lie.. they lie and we have to be
merciful for those who lie. Those nabobs. I hate them. How I hate them...”
“Can these people
be stronger than us? Sometimes, late at
night I wonder. Have you ever seen
someone riding a camel? You can’t call
it riding… it’s not like riding a horse or even a very large dog… people don’t
ride camels; they just hold on for dear life.”
“Speaking of
life, do they still sell Camel cigarettes?
If they do they should change the motto. It shouldn’t be ‘I’d walk a mile for a Camel.’ They should change it to ‘I’d ride a mile on
a camel for a Camel.’ It would have so
much more meaning that way.”
“I’ve discovered
many things in this ancient land. Did
you know that Oreo cookies are known as ‘Oreos’ here? Who would’ve guessed. The
Sphinx is actually alive. He follows me
through the streets of the city at night.
Or, it’s a house cat, I don’t know.
Soylent Green is made of people…”
The transmission
ends abruptly here. We’re not sure
what, exactly, his transmission is trying to say, other than: the middle east
is pretty f*#ked up.
* Which may or may not be associated with the global
breast-augmentation conspiracy; another area of interest.
Well, there is no doubt as to the depth of insanity and stupidity in the middle east. Now that things seem to be going into melt down over there, it must surely be time to withdraw all of our assets and start the nuclear carpet bombing.
ReplyDeleteNow as to the stripper conspiracy, and the world wide breast augmentation conspiracy, I am willing to put myself in harms way to help. I will do my best to keep a close eye on both of these threats, it is the least I can do to further the ideals of the Evil Genius.
Let Operation "Maximum Melon" begin! Muahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete