Musings from the, perhaps slightly touched, mind of the leading social commentator of our time.


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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Poll #24 HARRUMPH Intelligence division

     The HARRUMPH Intelligence division has been very active throughout the world recently.  Obviously, most of our assets have been detailed to support our combat operations in the Chinese theater and against the ruthless mime army in Paris.
     However, this does not mean to imply that we have neglected other important areas of interest.  Our agents have successfully infiltrated a separatist movement by circus clowns in North Dakota, and we have many assets studying the world-wide stripper conspiracy,* headquartered in Las Vegas.  In addition, we have agents in place, some in deep cover, keeping an eye in other global danger zones.
     The following transcript was recorded by one of our listening posts in the Mediterranean.  We believe it is “Agent X,” formerly of MI6 and currently in deep cover, Egypt.  He spent the previous five months disguised as a mummy in the Cairo Museum of Antiquities.

     “…every night I have the same dream.  I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor, and surviving.  We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig, cow after cow, village after village, army after army. And they call me an assassin. What do you call it when the assassins accuse the assassin ? They lie.. they lie and we have to be merciful for those who lie. Those nabobs. I hate them. How I hate them...”
     “Can these people be stronger than us?  Sometimes, late at night I wonder.  Have you ever seen someone riding a camel?  You can’t call it riding… it’s not like riding a horse or even a very large dog… people don’t ride camels; they just hold on for dear life.”
     “Speaking of life, do they still sell Camel cigarettes?  If they do they should change the motto.  It shouldn’t be ‘I’d walk a mile for a Camel.’  They should change it to ‘I’d ride a mile on a camel for a Camel.’  It would have so much more meaning that way.”
     “I’ve discovered many things in this ancient land.  Did you know that Oreo cookies are known as ‘Oreos’ here?  Who would’ve guessed.  The Sphinx is actually alive.  He follows me through the streets of the city at night.  Or, it’s a house cat, I don’t know.  Soylent Green is made of people…”

     The transmission ends abruptly here.  We’re not sure what, exactly, his transmission is trying to say, other than: the middle east is pretty f*#ked up.

* Which may or may not be associated with the global breast-augmentation conspiracy; another area of interest.

2 comments:

  1. Well, there is no doubt as to the depth of insanity and stupidity in the middle east. Now that things seem to be going into melt down over there, it must surely be time to withdraw all of our assets and start the nuclear carpet bombing.

    Now as to the stripper conspiracy, and the world wide breast augmentation conspiracy, I am willing to put myself in harms way to help. I will do my best to keep a close eye on both of these threats, it is the least I can do to further the ideals of the Evil Genius.

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  2. Let Operation "Maximum Melon" begin! Muahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

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