Harrumph File #056 02.20.2011_The Freakin’ Middle East, Part Deux

     Ok, so the entire Middle East is on fire (figuratively) and I’ve been hearing from people that my idea of setting it on fire “literally,” is a non-starter.  Hate emails have been flooding the HARRUMPH customer relations staff that describe my plan as “preposterous,” “hateful,” “Hitler-like,” and “insane.”  I refute all these accusations, and more.  First of all, my plan is not preposterous.  It’s entirely feasible.  We have the planes.  We have the bombs.  All we have to do is fly them over there and drop them off.  Now, if I had said that we should drop nukes on one spot on the moon, thus causing it to rotate 180° so we could see what’s on the dark side… now that would be preposterous.  Hmmm… Note to self: feasibility study on moon rotation project.

     “Hateful?”  Really?  Why does everything have to be labeled as “hateful” nowadays?  I don’t hate the people of the Middle East; I just want to radioactify them.  Does a surgeon hate the small lump of cancer he cuts out of his patient?  No, he is just removing something that, if left to spread, will kill the host.  Besides, it’s not like we’d be bombing a bunch of Mensa candidates or something.  They chose to live in a desert.  Heck, if their ancestors had settled a thousand miles farther north they would’ve been Romans and ruled the world for centuries… brainiacs… world domination or desert wanderer, hmmm… pretty simple choice to me.  You know, if “Mantracker” ever filmed an episode in Libya it would go something like this:  flare goes off; the human "prey" start off toward the finish line, 20 clicks away; Mantracker looks in the direction of the flare, sees the prey trudging through the sand and says something like “Hey, there are those button heads, out in the middle of the desert.”  Five minutes and a hundred toe-kicks later, the prey’s in the bag & the episode is over.  I’m just saying, why wait?  Let’s just drop the curtain on their show right now.

     I also resent being compared to Hitler.  I would much rather be compared to Napoleon, Caesar, or Genghis Khan.  Next time use one of those instead.

     “Insane?”  C’mon, according to popular culture the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing while hoping for a different outcome.”  I’m looking for just one result, every time, when I advocate nuclear carpet-bombing… a cleaner, more ordered world where we’ve solved the vexing problems of starvation, over population, poverty, and halakalaism.  Truly, if that is “insanity” then put me in a straight jacket and ship me off to Happy Acres.  I’d prefer a padded suite near the pool, please.

     Ok, so just what is my solution to all the unrest in the Middle East?  Well, since you namby-pamby Berkeleyites, who couldn’t pull the trigger to save your own sorry asses, have taken my usual “first response” off the table, my second choice is simple: internet porn.

     Yes, you heard correctly.  Internet porn is the path to world peace and an end to terrorism forever.  The oppressed and downtrodden peoples of the Middle East have already had a taste of western internet decadence and they want more.  Heck, even Saddam Hussein had 29,671,605 Facebook friends before they changed his status to “Dead, but looking”* a few years back.

America's secret weapon, the cleavage corps.

     So, my plan is to conduct a “shock & awe” bombing campaign of the Middle East with good, old fashioned, American boobies.  After all, boobs are what American soldiers have been fighting for, for over two hundred years.  They haven’t fought for Uncle Sam or apple pie or even for mom.  What is it that American warriors look forward to most when they come home from the front lines?  Sweeping up the garage?  Taking down the Christmas lights?  No, it’s boobs.  What did bomber pilots paint on their B-17’s when they were plastering the Nazis in WWII?  Profiles of tractors?  Rainbows and sunflowers?  No, they painted American gals with big, American boobs.

     When these halakala guys get inundated with healthy, American cleavage they’ll stop making their bombs and throw out their old copies of “Playburka” and sign up for the good stuff.  Heck, we could probably even balance the Federal budget with the credit card revenue.

     Now, don’t give me those dirty looks.  You’re the ones who don’t want to just push the button and get it over with.  You’re the ones who want to win a war without any fighting.  Now is the time for you to step forward (maybe you’ve already started leaning forward…) and do your part.  Now is the time to “pay your fair share.”  Now is the time to join the crusade started by your aunts; your older, hot cousins; maybe your grandma with the huge rack.  Burn you bra, declare your freedom, and “augment” for America.  It truly is your patriotic duty.  Harrumph…

*Not factually correct