Harrumph File #057 02.27.2011_M. Night Sillyman & why his movies suck ass

     Hitchcock, Kubrick, Tarantino.  All names that can bring fear, amazement, and squeamishness to movie audiences worldwide.  Another director also brings these emotions out; except he brings fear to actors who get trapped into one of his on screen monstrosities; amazement to producers who then see that any ‘tard with a camera can make a film; and squeamishness to investors who don’t want to see their millions eaten up by crappy storylines.  Of course, I’m talking about M. Night Sillyman.

     So, where did this clown come from?  Normally we would say something like “a village somewhere is missing its idiot,” but in this case, unfortunately for the rest of the world, a Bengal tiger somewhere missed its evening meal.  Now, of course his films are crappy; we’ll get to that in a minute.  What I want to point out right now is his annoying habit of making a cameo in each of his films.  Is he serious?  He can’t even come up with his own bit; he’s got to copy the master, Alfred Hitchcock?

Maybe not indian-givers, but surely copycats.

     C’mon, Sillyman, can’t you think for yourself?  Make up your own mark to leave for posterity.  You know, have someone in each of your films carry a four-leaf clover, or have a penguin wearing a top hat walk through each of your movies.  The point is, it would be your mark, not just an asterisk on Hitchcock’s Wikepedia page.  What’s next, you gonna move into Hitchcock’s old house, or buy a cemetery plot next to his, or buy his old Studebaker?  *Sigh* Maybe it’s not Sillyman’s fault for being a copycat.  Maybe it’s a cultural thing.  After all, they call India’s film industry “Bollywood.”  Heck, there’s probably even a lame Bollywood sign on the hills overlooking Mumbai (speaking of Mumbai, why did they feel it necessary to change its name from Bombay?  I mean, what’s really the point?) *Sigh* I really didn’t want this to degenerate into a slam on India, that’ll come in a later Harrumph.  Let’s get back on point, shall we?

     So, why do actors cringe when they see Sillyman’s number on the caller I.D.?  Simple; they’re risking their careers every time they step into on of his “M. Night-mares.”  You know, it takes Bruce Willis two hours worth of our misery before he figures out he’s one of the “dead people” the creepy little kid sees.  You’d think he would’ve figured it out a lot sooner during all the one-way conversations he was having.  Lame.

     Hey, if I told you that I had a plan to invade a planet that was covered, oh… let’s say 70% with acid; and the denizens of said planet actually drink this acid and have it piped into their homes and swimming pools; and, acid rains from the sky & acid is present in every living creature that you touch, sometimes perspiring out of the native’s skin; what would you say?  Maybe you’d say something like: “idiot, why don’t we invade the dry planet next door?”  Sometimes some people just don’t see the “signs,” even when they’re right in front of their face.

     I’m going to take my family & friends and buy up some land; gonna build a fence around it; convince the government to block off the airspace overhead; tell our kids there are monsters in the woods to keep them from sneaking away; and live like it’s 1790 in peace & quiet.  Yeah, right.  First of all, the government ain’t gonna close airspace for a few million dollars.  It would cost the airlines much more to go around the blocked off airspace.  Besides, they’re gonna want to fly military and lifeguard aircraft through there too; not to mention the idiot private pilot who just got his license and doesn’t know what he’s doing or where he’s going.  It won’t be the 1790’s very long when a Piper Cub that ran out of gas plops into the middle of your outdoor community dinner, will it?

     Oh, and that wall you built around the perimeter?  You know, the one a blind girl is able to get over near the end of the film?  What’s to prevent a few rambunctious teenagers from climbing over that wall and having a kegger on your 1790’s front lawn?  Or maybe a careless smoker who tosses a lit cigarette into your woods and starts a forest fire?  Is that the point where you explain to your kids what a firebombing helicopter is?  “Oh, it’s just one of King George’s toys… Hey look here, I made a rockin’ chair!”  OMG… lame.

     Finally, his latest “masterpiece,” where plants release biotoxins, causing people to commit suicide enmasse.  With this particular monstrosity Sillyman has lost all remaining credibility.  Plants decide to “teach us a lesson” for polluting the earth.  And, after killing millions, they back off, leaving us to ponder their “warning.”  One of the last scenes shows the main character dropping his kid off for school as if everything’s now all a-ok!  All right, let’s say it really happened.  After seeing all your friends killed by pissed off shrubberies, would you ever let your kid out of your sight again?  Would you live in a house surrounded by beautiful, but vindictive green lawns (and would you ever mow that lawn again just to live in fear of death at the hands of a blade of grass that you just sliced in half?) and stately, but mad-as-hell-at-people trees ready to strike at the drop of a leaf, or would you hole up in a bunker eating canned veggies and chili for the rest of your life?  Of course, the film ends with another biotoxin release in France.  At least the plants do the rest of us a favor by whacking the Frenchies a good one.  If only Sillyman would take up residence in Paris… now that would be a happy ending!  Harrumph…

"It's Pez!" Online comic book now available!!

The "It's Pez!" online comic book is now available!!!!   Check out "It's Pez!" #1 at the following link:
http://theharrumphfiles.com/Comic_Book.html

Poll #27 by “G” Section: M. Night Sillyman & his crappy films.

     “G” Section has been conducting experiments on cloning, regeneration of tissue, and resistance to aging in order to produce superior combat soldiers to employ against the ChiComs, mimes, and other enemies.  As one of our first experiments, we attempted to clone the Chicago film critics, Gene Siskel & Roger Ebert.  Unfortunately, the experiment was a dismal failure and the cloned dead Siskel & the cloned disease-racked Ebert have been kept in a broom closet until just recently.  They have been released to give their opinion on the subject of the upcoming Harrumph File, M. Night Sillyman’s films.

     Cloned, dead Siskel:  “Welcome everyone to our show.  Tonight we’ll be discussing M. Night Sillyman’s series of films and why they suck my dead, cloned ass.”

     Cloned, disease-racked Ebert:  “Gene, it’s really rather simple.  Sillyman’s movies suck ass because the storylines are lame.  I mean, plants attacking people?  Really?  You know, if it was bees or something I could understand, but plants?  Lame.”

     Cloned, dead Siskel:  “I disagree, Roger.  I would have to say one of the worst elements of his films are his horrible cameos.  Who does this guy think he is, Hitchcock?  C’mon Sillyman, come up with your own bit, don’t copy the master.”

     Cloned, disease-racked Ebert:  “I agree that his cameo habit is annoying, but I’ve got to point out that storyline is what counts.  Think about it, Gene.  If you had to act in a crappy film like ‘Signs,’ you’d become a raving lunatic just like Mel Gibson.”

     Cloned, dead Siskel:  “Haha, good point Roger.  Well, let’s conclude tonight’s show with two bony, death-like, thumbs down for Sillyman and his crappy films.  Join us again next time when dead Siskel,”

     Cloned, disease-racked Ebert:  “and, disease-racked Ebert,”

     Cloned, dead Siskel:  “are at the crappy movies.”

Join cloned, dead Siskel & disease-racked Ebert in voting on this week’s poll!  Congratulations to MH of Livermore, California, last week’s winner of a limited edition, special prize button!  She chose a “Rusty!”

Poll #26. What is the greatest invention of God or man?

     After a harrowing journey through Egypt, Saudi Arabia, and Libya, “Agent X” surfaced on a small raft off the northern coast of Africa.  He is now resting in a hospital on the island of Malta.  Doctors say he has made a full recovery.  The following is an excerpt of the debriefing interview he had with HARRUMPH intelligence agents.

     *static* “HARRUMPH Intelligence division tape, Mediterranean station: February 23rd, 0430 hours.”  *static*

     Intelligence agent:  “Agent X, your radio reports seemed to be rather disjointed and well, quite frankly, sounded like the ravings of a lunatic.”

     Agent X:  “Well, I’d like to hear how you’d sound after being wrapped up like a mummy for 2 weeks straight.  Not to mention the fact that after escaping from the Cairo Museum of Antiquities without loosing my mummy head I was stranded in the desert for another 2 weeks.”

     Intelligence agent:  “Tell us what you saw while in Cairo.”

     Agent X:  “It was really something.  People in the street… protesting, having bar-be-ques, putting flowers in tank barrels.  Really something.  Kinda reminded me of Kent State, especially after the security forces rode camels into the crowd.  Man, they stomped the s*#t outta them”

     Intelligence agent:  “How did you escape from the Cairo museum and get away from the rioters that broke in and caused all that damage?”

     Agent X:  “Wow, I really thought my head was their next soccer ball when I saw them kick the first mummy head off.  Ummm…”

     A second, different voice:  “Go ahead son, tell us what happened.”

     Agent X:  “Well, it got kinda weird.”

     The second voice:  “We’re listening.”

     Agent X:  “I don’t know…”

     Intelligence agent:  “Agent X, I don’t need to remind you that this is your official report.  We need the truth.  Don’t hold anything back or you could be charged under Section C, paragraph 4 of the HF publication 7110.65, ‘Robert’s Rules for Sliding Scale Punishments,’ also known as ‘The Matrix.’”

     Agent X:  “I don’t know… *sobbing sound* I don’t…”

     Intelligence agent:  “Tell us!  Tell us now dammit!  You know the waterboard is in the next room!”

     Agent X:  “Alright!  It was the Sphinx!  Hahahaha!  I knew it all along!  It was the Sphinx and his Chinese cohorts!  He was following me everywhere!  I’ve got to get away, he’s here!  Don’t you see him!  Don’t you see…”  *sounds of struggling, chairs breaking, handcuffs being applied and wild gibbering*

     The second voice:  “Get him out of here.  He’s no use to us now.”

*static* “HARRUMPH Intelligence division tape, Mediterranean station: February 23rd, 0442 hours.  Interview ends”  *static*

Harrumph File #056 02.20.2011_The Freakin’ Middle East, Part Deux

     Ok, so the entire Middle East is on fire (figuratively) and I’ve been hearing from people that my idea of setting it on fire “literally,” is a non-starter.  Hate emails have been flooding the HARRUMPH customer relations staff that describe my plan as “preposterous,” “hateful,” “Hitler-like,” and “insane.”  I refute all these accusations, and more.  First of all, my plan is not preposterous.  It’s entirely feasible.  We have the planes.  We have the bombs.  All we have to do is fly them over there and drop them off.  Now, if I had said that we should drop nukes on one spot on the moon, thus causing it to rotate 180° so we could see what’s on the dark side… now that would be preposterous.  Hmmm… Note to self: feasibility study on moon rotation project.

     “Hateful?”  Really?  Why does everything have to be labeled as “hateful” nowadays?  I don’t hate the people of the Middle East; I just want to radioactify them.  Does a surgeon hate the small lump of cancer he cuts out of his patient?  No, he is just removing something that, if left to spread, will kill the host.  Besides, it’s not like we’d be bombing a bunch of Mensa candidates or something.  They chose to live in a desert.  Heck, if their ancestors had settled a thousand miles farther north they would’ve been Romans and ruled the world for centuries… brainiacs… world domination or desert wanderer, hmmm… pretty simple choice to me.  You know, if “Mantracker” ever filmed an episode in Libya it would go something like this:  flare goes off; the human "prey" start off toward the finish line, 20 clicks away; Mantracker looks in the direction of the flare, sees the prey trudging through the sand and says something like “Hey, there are those button heads, out in the middle of the desert.”  Five minutes and a hundred toe-kicks later, the prey’s in the bag & the episode is over.  I’m just saying, why wait?  Let’s just drop the curtain on their show right now.

     I also resent being compared to Hitler.  I would much rather be compared to Napoleon, Caesar, or Genghis Khan.  Next time use one of those instead.

     “Insane?”  C’mon, according to popular culture the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing while hoping for a different outcome.”  I’m looking for just one result, every time, when I advocate nuclear carpet-bombing… a cleaner, more ordered world where we’ve solved the vexing problems of starvation, over population, poverty, and halakalaism.  Truly, if that is “insanity” then put me in a straight jacket and ship me off to Happy Acres.  I’d prefer a padded suite near the pool, please.

     Ok, so just what is my solution to all the unrest in the Middle East?  Well, since you namby-pamby Berkeleyites, who couldn’t pull the trigger to save your own sorry asses, have taken my usual “first response” off the table, my second choice is simple: internet porn.

     Yes, you heard correctly.  Internet porn is the path to world peace and an end to terrorism forever.  The oppressed and downtrodden peoples of the Middle East have already had a taste of western internet decadence and they want more.  Heck, even Saddam Hussein had 29,671,605 Facebook friends before they changed his status to “Dead, but looking”* a few years back.

America's secret weapon, the cleavage corps.

     So, my plan is to conduct a “shock & awe” bombing campaign of the Middle East with good, old fashioned, American boobies.  After all, boobs are what American soldiers have been fighting for, for over two hundred years.  They haven’t fought for Uncle Sam or apple pie or even for mom.  What is it that American warriors look forward to most when they come home from the front lines?  Sweeping up the garage?  Taking down the Christmas lights?  No, it’s boobs.  What did bomber pilots paint on their B-17’s when they were plastering the Nazis in WWII?  Profiles of tractors?  Rainbows and sunflowers?  No, they painted American gals with big, American boobs.

     When these halakala guys get inundated with healthy, American cleavage they’ll stop making their bombs and throw out their old copies of “Playburka” and sign up for the good stuff.  Heck, we could probably even balance the Federal budget with the credit card revenue.

     Now, don’t give me those dirty looks.  You’re the ones who don’t want to just push the button and get it over with.  You’re the ones who want to win a war without any fighting.  Now is the time for you to step forward (maybe you’ve already started leaning forward…) and do your part.  Now is the time to “pay your fair share.”  Now is the time to join the crusade started by your aunts; your older, hot cousins; maybe your grandma with the huge rack.  Burn you bra, declare your freedom, and “augment” for America.  It truly is your patriotic duty.  Harrumph…

*Not factually correct

Poll #26: HARRUMPH Intelligence division

     Once again, the HARRUMPH Intelligence division has received a signal from “Agent X,” formerly of MI6, now somewhere in the Middle East.  The following transcript was recorded by one of our listening posts in the Mediterranean.

     *static* “HARRUMPH Intelligence division tape, Mediterranean monitoring station: February 17th, 0430 hours, sector PBK.”  *static*

     “I had another dream last night.  I was hiding in back alleys and behind garbage dumpsters.  I knew I was being hunted.  At first, I thought the Sphinx was after me again, but I was wrong.  It was the camels… or the ghosts of camels that I had tagged.  I couldn’t get away from them.  They were stalking me, hunting me… hunting me like a wild animal… or an animal in a very large zoo without any cages.  Then I realized… the horror.  It hit me like a diamond bullet.  Like a diamond bullet right between my eyes.  I realized that they were the eggmen, I was the camel, goo goo g’joob.”

     *static* -unintelligible- *static*

     “I have now been lost in the desert for two weeks.  I had thought that I could follow the Sphinx back to his lair, but he eluded me.  He eluded me and all the street signs were written in Chinese.  Note to self: the Sphinx is very, very crafty.  Learn Chinese.”

     “I couldn’t find my way back… back to the future.  Now the desert stretches as far as you can see in all directions.  I am in the exact center of it.  People say the desert is hot.  They are wrong.  The desert is not hot; it is extremely hot.  Then, it began to snow.  I knew I was saved; the snow felt cool on my skin.  Soon, I was completely covered by snow.  I was a snowman in the middle of the desert.  It was then that I was discovered by a Bedouin family.  They offered me an Oreo cookie.  I told them they were fools; didn’t they know snowmen don’t eat cookies, they eat human souls.  Now I am on the back of a camel riding to the coast.  I’d walk a mile to get off of this camel…”

            *static* “HARRUMPH Intelligence division tape, Mediterranean monitoring station: February 17th, 0437 hours, sector PBK.  Transmission ends.”  *static*

Poll #25. Which member of the “Fab Five” has been chosen for liquidation?

     ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION!  The following is an official communiqué from the HARRUMPH Ministry of Propaganda:

*old Soviet Army martial music CD plays in background*

     “This is the voice of HARRUMPH, calling to all citizens of the world.  As you know, earlier this month air and ground forces of the evil HARRUMPH organization have brought the fight for the freedom of the world, into the lion king’s den that is Disneyland.  We chose not this course of action lightly, nor with malice toward the oppressed citizens of the corrupt Disney Empire.  We were forced to act, not only for survival of our own minions, but for the very survival of freedom-loving peoples throughout the globe.”

Commander of the Distapo executes prisoner on Main Street.

     “Our heroic forces have liberated Main Street and, even now, engineering units have begun the rebuilding process.  Many incidents of horrific depravity have been heaped upon the stunned citizenry by the retreating Disney security forces.  This picture, smuggled out by brave partisans, shows the barbarity of the Disney secret police (also known as the Distapo.)  Other atrocities are also just coming to light as our forward elements push through Adventureland, into New Orleans Square.  As our illustrious armored forces overran the Swiss Family Tree House they uncovered an unspeakable horror.  Apparently, the infamous Tarzan Brigade had imprisoned the neutral Swiss family in a deep pit.  In a sick tale of greed, sex and murder, the commander of the Tarzan Brigade would torment the family at the bottom of the pit, repeating over and over, “It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”  Only four children and two lampshades were recovered from the pit.”

     “In retaliation for the endless list of atrocities, HARRUMPH strategic air forces completely destroyed Toontown.  In a thousand plane raid which lasted five hours, the entire city center of Toontown was consumed in a firestorm in which temperatures reached 8000°.”

     “In other news, HARRUMPH announced the capture of Goofy and Donald Duck.  They were apprehended wearing women’s clothing trying to cross our lines mixed in with a group of Japanese tourists.  They are currently being detained at the Disneyland kennel.  As the poll results indicate, Minnie Mouse, once captured, will face the firing squad as a warning to other Disney forces to surrender.  When asked where she might be hiding, General George S. Patton IV, our most successful general, said: “I’m sure when we capture Mickey we’ll get his tramp as well.  Just look for the mouse wearing kneepads.”

     “Once again, this is the voice of HARRUMPH.  To victory, and beyond!”

Harrumph File #055 02.13.2011_Disneyland Through The Eyes Of H.A. Rrumph

First encounter with the Pelican.

     You know, running a near worldwide, evil organization can be exhausting.  Planning new, interesting operations aimed at taking over the world takes a lot of energy.  There’s the meetings, travel, the paperwork, computer modeling, recruit selection, torturing of anti-evil forces.  It just never seems to end.  Even an evil genius needs some time off every now and then.

     I’m sure many of you have read, or at least seen, travel books telling you all the best things to do and the cool secrets of your vacation destination of choice.  Well, in this harrumph I’m going to guide you through one of the most popular destinations in the world, and I’m going to do it with my own particular “life filter.”  I won’t tell you things like: “you’ve just got to see Monet’s impressionist piece on the state of mimism in the late 1700’s,” or stuff like that.  In this harrumph I will dispense knowledge for those who vacation at, and for those that make Disneyland a magical place.

Dang you, Pelican!

     Of course, everyone loves to take pictures when they’re strolling through Fantasyland or approaching their favorite attraction.  Now, I don’t mind if you ask me to take a picture of you with your camera or anything like that.  What I can’t stand is when you are taking a picture of your friend on one side of the walkway and you seem to feel that you can only compose the picture properly from the other side of the walkway.  Now I’m the asshole for walking through your shot?  You’re the one taking 20 minutes to figure out how to use that new point-and-shoot you just bought.  Take your damn picture already; we’ve got the Jungle Cruise to ride sometime today!

     You know, if you bump my car on Autopia one more time I’m going to get out and smack you one right in the middle of the course.  Can’t you read?  Can’t you hear?  There’s no bumping cars on Autopia.  Oh yeah, it’s Autopia, not Autotopia, idiot.  Once again I ask you… can’t you read?

     Ummm, just because I rode Small World, it doesn’t mean I want to hear you sing the song for the rest of the day so if I happen to follow you off the ride and down the street… shut up already!

You win again, Pelican!

     When Mrs. Rrumph & I are holding hands as we walk into an attraction line it means we’re together.  Don’t try to cut between us!  And if you are walking down the street and get a sudden urge to look at your map because you don’t know where the Matterhorn is… move to the side of the path, don’t just stop right in front of us… ‘cause we’re gonna walk right into you and your three-wide stroller and there’s gonna be problems.  If you just showed up five minutes before the fireworks start don’t try to squeeze into the bench we’re sitting on.  We’ve been here an hour waiting while you were riding rides.  I really don’t care that your grandmother can’t stand for a 20 minute fireworks show.  She didn’t seem to mind standing in the attraction lines while we were staking out our place on the bench.  Step off, grandma!

     If you’ve got brain cell one in your head don’t wear a shirt that says something like: “F*#k the world because you all suck.”  You know, it’s a family environment.  I already know you’re an inbred, worthless, homicidal freak; the devil face tattoo on the back of your bald, misshapen head told me that.  We don’t need reinforcement from a shirt that swears constantly at 7 year olds following you down Main Street.

      You know, Mrs. Rrumph & I have spent a lot of money on our Disney experience.  Cast members:  it’s your job to make sure that our experiences remain magical.  I’m paying to see you smile.  I’m paying for you to notice the birthday button I’m wearing and say “happy birthday, Mr. Rrumph!”  I’m paying to be served my ribs and baked beans with a smile.  I don’t want to have my spoonful of beans slapped into my tray with enough force to break the pull of earth’s gravity.  Got it, Mary from Pasadena?  I don’t really care if you’re having a bad day.  I’m having a magical one… keep it that way.  And you know what?  When I want to know when the parking structure opens the next day I want information that’s accurate.  If I have to sit in line with a bunch of other cars who’s owners were told that the parking structure opened at 8am, only to watch it tick tock down to 9am before the parking monkeys let anyone in… I’m not starting out my day very magically, am I?

     Yes, I may be old.  Yes, I may be grumpy.  Yes, I may be an evil genius.  But, I still want to ride in the monkey cage on Casey Jr.  Just ‘cause you’ve got kids doesn’t give you the exclusive right to have all the fun.  I waited in line like the rest of you.  If you want to ride in the monkey cage, wait for the next train.

     It’s not the “haunted house.”  It’s the Haunted Mansion.  Jeeze, do a little research before you get here.  And yes, there are two sides to the Matterhorn Bobsleds so don’t just stand there like an imbecile when you get to the split between the Tomorrowland side and the Fantasyland side.  Make a decision already.

Some day Pelican, some day!

     The evil pelican on the ground floor of the Grand Californian Hotel and I have been at war ever since the hotel opened.  I am sad to say that he has won most of our stare downs.  One of these days… One of these days…

     "... it's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses ..."  Yeah, it may sound corny to you but my buddy & I always ride Space Mountain “blues” style.  The thing I can’t stand is, after we get off the ride and check out the picture Disney takes at the end of the ride, other people are looking at your picture.  Now that may not seem so bad but it’s just icky when it’s a couple of other guys looking and one says to the other: “Hey Maurice, check out these guys with the sunglasses on!  Ooohh, take a picture of them! *squeal*”  Now that’s just icky.

     Ok, I’m trying to watch a show here.  If your baby starts crying during “Aladdin,” take the dang thing outside… or pop out a boob and feed the thing.  Oh, and one last piece of advice:  Moms, you’ve got to bend over and check on your stroller kids more often.  Especially if you are wearing a shirt with a low neckline and you’ve got a huge rack.  Now that’s my idea of the “happiest place on earth!”  Harrumph…

Poll #025: New HARRUMPH Offensive Crosses The Border Into Disneyland!

     ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION!  The following is an official communiqué from the HARRUMPH Ministry of Propaganda:

*old Soviet Army martial music CD plays in background*

     “Minions and henchmen of the glorious HARRUMPH organization, we have great news to announce!  As our air and ground forces continue to punish the ChiCom menace and push them into a smaller and smaller pocket along the border of Mongolia; As our special force commando units parachute into the heart of Paris to face down the growing mime army; As our  fully autonomous Roomba vacuum units, equipped with double gatling guns and supported by radio controlled velociraptors and pterodactyls attack the enemy at every point; Our glorious intelligence services have identified yet another threat to our organization’s plan to take over the world.”

     “Another ‘evil’ organization, led by a five member junta known as the ‘Fab Five’ has built their empire across the globe.  Obviously, they, and their figurehead leader, Micky, must be destroyed.  Therefore, the glorious air and ground forces of the evil HARRUMPH organization have already crossed the border and struck into the very heart of the beast.  We, even now, have units pushing forward from the so-called ‘Main Street’ into Adventureland, Tomorrowland, and Frontierland.  Commando Penguin units have parachuted into Fantasyland and hold the Carrousel and parts of ‘Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.’  Detention camps have been set up outside City Hall and are filled with costumed freaks which make up the vast majority of the Disney Army.”

          “H.A. Rrumph, our Caesar-like leader and the Evil Genius in Charge (EGiC) of the HARRUMPH organization, has announced a bounty for the capture of the ‘Fab Five.’  Once they have been captured, our glorious tribunals will hold a show trial that will be broadcast on all channels!  As a warning to all Disney forces that dare to continue to fight, one of the ‘Fab Five’ will be chosen for liquidation on a live broadcast.  This week’s poll will decide their fate!”

Poll #24 ends: Agent “X” reports from Cairo

     “HARRUMPH Intelligence division tape, Mediterranean monitoring station: February 8th, 0430 hours, sector PBK.”  *static*

     “I have a new nightmare… I see a camel walk along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my new dream. That’s my nightmare.  Walking, stepping, along the edge of a straight razor, and surviving.  I have determined that the pyramids are no more than 25 years old.  Earlier this month I conducted conclusive tests which prove, without a shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that the pyramids currently on the Giza plain are replacement pyramids put in after the originals were removed by elements of a secret army of aliens for reasons unknown.”

     “Oreo cookies taste better with milk… just not camel milk.  I have come to the conclusion that there are only 14 camels in Egypt.  Four months ago I began a program of tagging camels in order to better understand their migratory patterns.  Since their owners didn’t feel it necessary to participate in this program I shifted my tagging operations to nighttime.  After the first 5 camels were tagged I noticed that I was being followed through the streets of Cairo by the Sphinx.  I was only able to tag 9 more camels before I was forced underground by the persistent efforts of the Sphinx to thwart my study.  I may attempt to resurrect this program at a later date.  I saw a camel talking to a large dog yesterday.  I don’t know what they were saying because they were speaking Chinese…”

            *static*  “HARRUMPH Intelligence division tape, Mediterranean monitoring station, transmission ends.”

Harrumph File #054 02.06.2011_If We Sprinkle A Little Radioactive Fire Across The Middle East Do You Think Anyone Would Really Care?

Cairo? Tunis? Damascus?  Who really cares????

     Oh, c’mon.  We all know it’s gonna happen sooner or later anyway, so why wait?  What is another 10, 20, or 50 years gonna get us, world peace?  Yeah, right.  Oh, and while you’re waiting for that, Mr. and Mrs. Naïve, why don’t you just take your environmentally-sensitive, made-from-recycled-materials, non-emissions flying car for a spin around the block?  Get real; we’re “this close” to some bearded, raggedy-assed clown setting off the entire Middle East on a new chapter in the book of radioactivity.  Why wait for events to unfold just to react to them?  Let’s be proactive and start the bombing ourselves.  I don’t want to endure yet another decade of news that consists of nothing but worldwide riots surrounded by endless commercials telling me that just 15¢ a day can save the life of another doe-eyed puppy who’s been beaten or neglected.  You know, there’s only so many sad puppy faces you can see in one lifetime and I think we’ve all seen our fill.

     Besides, the people who live in the Middle East don’t respect their own land, so why should we?  You know, it wasn’t some covert CIA spy or Special Forces A-team that broke into the Cairo museum, busting up the displays and kicking the heads off of a couple of mummies, it was the locals.  The U.S. Army didn’t loot Baghdad after destroying it, it was the locals.  It wasn’t the U.S. Air Force that lowered the elevation of Afghan mountaintops by several hundred feet, it was… ok, so maybe that was the U.S. Air Force… but that’s just plain cool.

     Also, have you seen the news footage coming out of Cairo?  Their army is equipped with M-1 tanks… and camels.  Camels?  Really?  Nowadays?  Have you ever seen a camel up close?  I’m not talking about some jolly, dancing, laughing camel that you might see in “Aladdin.”  I’m talking about real camels.  Smelly camels.  Drooling camels.  When you get right down to it, they actually look like a sickly south Peruvian hairless yak with cancer.  To get them to move you hit ‘em on the ass with a stick, yell “hut, hut, hut” and hold on for dear life.  You don’t really control where they go either.  Did you see that one guy riding a camel into the crowd of protestors?  He’s hitting the damn thing with a stick and the camel is just stomping the hell out of anyone in his way like a berserk elephant.  There’s no control there, just chaos.

     It’s almost like we’re watching another Lucas nightmare unfold before our very eyes.  I mean, why would Obi-Wan Kenobi ride a giant lizard into combat instead of a cool x-wing motorcycle or something?  He travels 18 billion miles on a super-sophisticated spaceship equipped with the latest laser cannons, nano-wave holographic communications, and the very best vacuum-sealed space toilets… to ride a giant, smelly lizard into combat against a droid army.  WTF?  And sure, a lightsaber is cool, but you’ve got to be right next to a guy to lop his head off; a blaster can mess your day up from 100 parsecs away.* And don’t tell me that Jedi can deflect blaster shots with lightsaber blades.  Yeah, I’ve seen it too, but wouldn’t it be easier to just give Jedi trainees a week on the blaster range instead of years training with a lightsaber to hit a tiny blob of a fastball that if you strike out swinging will tear your arm off?  Hmmm… point & shoot or swing away & lose an arm… go figure.

     So, here are some good things that would come out of my plan to radioactify the Middle East.

     Glass products will fall to their lowest price in 40 years.  You know, there’s a lot of sand (or as I like to call it – “pre-glass”) throughout north Africa & Arabia just waiting to glassify.  Conservatives will be happy because prices will be lower & lefty Berkeleyites will be happy because they’ll be able to buy new & interesting hand-blown glassware that’ll give a nice “glow” to any hippy commune or college professor’s office.

     The ChiComs are in Africa.  Maybe our bombs will get some of them.  That’s what you call a win-win.

     If we overshoot and drop a few megatons in downtown Hanoi; well, I won’t lose any sleep over it.

     Oil?  Well, we can get as much as we want by digging a diagonal well.  I saw that on a BP commercial.  Or, maybe we can just drill straight through the Earth from our side.  All you’d need is a really long drill bit.  Heck, they’ve probably got one on sale at Home Depot this week (but, just try to get someone to help you load it.  All of a sudden all the associates have a bad back or are on the phone.)

     So, I say let’s load up those bomb bays now & we’ll be off to the races!  Hut, hut, harrumph…

*  Not to scale.  However, it is used here as a measurement of distance, not time, Han Solo.

Poll #24 HARRUMPH Intelligence division

     The HARRUMPH Intelligence division has been very active throughout the world recently.  Obviously, most of our assets have been detailed to support our combat operations in the Chinese theater and against the ruthless mime army in Paris.

     However, this does not mean to imply that we have neglected other important areas of interest.  Our agents have successfully infiltrated a separatist movement by circus clowns in North Dakota, and we have many assets studying the world-wide stripper conspiracy,* headquartered in Las Vegas.  In addition, we have agents in place, some in deep cover, keeping an eye in other global danger zones.

     The following transcript was recorded by one of our listening posts in the Mediterranean.  We believe it is “Agent X,” formerly of MI6 and currently in deep cover, Egypt.  He spent the previous five months disguised as a mummy in the Cairo Museum of Antiquities.

     “…every night I have the same dream.  I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor, and surviving.  We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig, cow after cow, village after village, army after army. And they call me an assassin. What do you call it when the assassins accuse the assassin ? They lie.. they lie and we have to be merciful for those who lie. Those nabobs. I hate them. How I hate them...”

     “Can these people be stronger than us?  Sometimes, late at night I wonder.  Have you ever seen someone riding a camel?  You can’t call it riding… it’s not like riding a horse or even a very large dog… people don’t ride camels; they just hold on for dear life.”

     “Speaking of life, do they still sell Camel cigarettes?  If they do they should change the motto.  It shouldn’t be ‘I’d walk a mile for a Camel.’  They should change it to ‘I’d ride a mile on a camel for a Camel.’  It would have so much more meaning that way.”

     “I’ve discovered many things in this ancient land.  Did you know that Oreo cookies are known as ‘Oreos’ here?  Who would’ve guessed.  The Sphinx is actually alive.  He follows me through the streets of the city at night.  Or, it’s a house cat, I don’t know.  Soylent Green is made of people…”

     The transmission ends abruptly here.  We’re not sure what, exactly, his transmission is trying to say, other than: the middle east is pretty f*#ked up.

* Which may or may not be associated with the global breast-augmentation conspiracy; another area of interest.

Poll #23 ends: Cronkite interview with H.A. Rrumph, part 2

     “Good afternoon.  The ghost of Walter Cronkite here, reporting once again from the undisclosed HARRUMPH bunker site, well equipped with end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table.  I’m here today to conclude our interview of Mr. H.A. Rrumph, resident Evil Genius in Charge.”

     “Mr. Rrumph, we ended the first half of this interview discussing your plans to take over the world.  I understand the goal but what of the method?  How, exactly do you intend to conquer the globe?”

     “Well, Walter, I wouldn’t be much of an evil genius if I told you and, by extension, the anti-evil forces that are arrayed against me, the exact methods we will use.  However, the poll does give you a hint.  As you can see by answer number 3, we intend to use an excellent selection of weapons.  Chief among these being: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to taking over the world.”

     “Yes, I do believe you have already employed ‘ruthless efficiency’ in your current campaign against the Chinese.”

     “If you’re referring to the long lines of ChiComs we’re marching into the sea near Shanghai and Hong Kong, I really can’t comment other than to say that they are communists and I am an evil genius, so get over it.”

     “I also notice that you refer to your opponents, which consist of government police and intelligence forces as ‘anti-evil.’  Since you are the head of an evil organization, wouldn’t they be, by definition, ‘good guys?’”

     “Frankly, no.  It is true that I am the EGiC of an evil organization.  But do you actually believe that the CIA and their cronies in the Egyptian intelligence services are the good guys here?  I mean, I am the one conducting the war against the ChiComs, the true face of evil in the world.  And how about the BATF?  There’s a bunch of Nazis if I ever heard of ‘em.”

     “Hmmm, good point.  I never thought of that.  Well, this concludes our interview.  Thank you Mr. Rrumph and good luck. This is the ghost of Walter Cronkite, and that’s the way it is here at HARRUMPH.”