Harrumph File #044 11.28.2010_ChiComs on the run!

To the Congress of Minions of the Harrumph Organization:

Sunday, November 21^st, 2010 - a date which will live in outfamy (the opposite of infamy) - the ChiCom menace was suddenly and deliberately attacked by forces of the Harrumph organization.

The Harrumph organization was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of the ChiComs, was still in conversation with the government and its evil overlords looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.

Indeed, one hour after Harrumph air squadrons had commenced carpet-bombing of the Chinese mainland, the heathen ChiCom ambassador to Harrumph and his colleagues delivered to the office secretary a formal reply to a recent Harrumph message. While this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or armed attack.  Therefore, we struck.

It will be recorded that the distance of China from the undisclosed Harrumph bunker site makes it obvious that our attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, we deliberately sought to deceive the ChiComs by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.  In this way we used their own unscrupulous methods against them.

The initial attack yesterday on the Chinese mainland has caused severe damage to their slave labor factories. Very many bootleg DVDs were destroyed. In addition, the single ChiCom ballistic missile submarine, the “Ding Dong,” has been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

In September, the Harrumph organization also conquered Singapore.

In September, the Harrumph organization also conquered Australia.

In September, the Harrumph organization also conquered New Zealand.

In November, the Harrumph organization also conquered Malaysia.

In November, the Harrumph organization also conquered Indonesia.

In November, the Harrumph organization also conquered Japan.

We should've let MacArthur finish the job in '51. Harrumph!!!

The Harrumph organization has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of September and November speak for themselves. The minions of the Harrumph organization have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our evil institution.

As Evil Genius in Charge of the Harrumph organization, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.  Always will we remember the character of the onslaught we have begun.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome the forces arrayed against us, the minions and henchmen of the Harrumph organization in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe I interpret the will of the minions and of the henchmen when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the utmost, but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never be used against us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our Harrumph forces - with the unbounding determination of our people - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us God.

I ask that the Congress of Minions declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by us on Sunday, November 21^st, a state of war has existed between the Harrumph organization and the evil ChiCom menace.  To victory, and beyond!  Harrumph…

ChiComs defeated by the evil HARRUMPH organization! Poll #14

     It has been said that there are so many Chinese that you could walk the population of China 8 abreast into the sea and never run out.  For that reason, and for the unfortunate wall they built ages ago, an invasion of China has always been problematic.  Well, the evil HARRUMPH organization has solved the riddle to the key to China… carpet-bombing.

     In order to assist the United States in paying off the enormous debt they have accumulated in their pursuit of happiness, HARRUMPH has contracted to use U.S. Air Force B-52 and B-1 squadrons in their air campaign.  By using air assets, HARRUMPH has bypassed the “great” wall of foolishness the Chinese have been relying on for protection for centuries.  Carpet-bombing is also very useful in reducing infantry-heavy ChiCom units.

     In the future, our forces will continue to eradicate the ChiCom menace wherever we find it.  We will use every tool at our disposal; from self-actuating, flame-throwing security units, to autonomous gatling gun equipped Roombas, to parachuting genetically engineered velociraptors behind Chinese lines.  To victory, and beyond!

Research & Development division Poll #13 ends

     Once again, the Research and Development division of the HARRUMPH organization would like to introduce Professor Henry Smith, American citizen:

     “Umm, gut mornink everyvun.  Vee haf zee poll results available for you… hmmm… mmm (*Once again, a kind of a weird, muffled giggle*.)  It zeems people are not very annoyed at digital clocks at all und zey are only zlightly annoyed at people who don’t know vat und analog clock iz or cannot read vun.  But, zey ARE raszer annoyed at people who cannot get to zeir appointments on time!  I qvite agree!  hmmm… mmm.   Vat iz zee use uf organization if zee folk do not follow zee lead uf zee leader und be on time!  ON TIME UND ON TARGET!  (*mumbling from off stage*) hmmm… mmm.   No, I am fine.  I do not need a drink uf vater.  Az I vuz sayink,  it iz up to zee folk.  Zee leadership may set zee policy, but it iz up to zee folk to implement zee plans… hmmm… mmm.   Zey must be in goozeztep… I mean… lockztep… hmmm… mmm… if zey are to be zuczezzful!  If only zee folk had delayed zee Bolsheviks anozer zree or four months I could haf perfected zee gyroscopic mechanizum und actually hit zee Parliament buildink, or maybe efun Buckingham Palaze!…  hmmm… mmm.   Yez, zat would haf brought zee English to zee negotiatink table…”  (*running shoe noises from off stage as they rush the podium*)

     “Thank you, Professor Henry Smith, for your… ummm, unique insight into this week’s poll results.” (*mumbling from off stage*)  “No, just bring him down to his lab and wait for me.”

     “Anyway, thank you for your attention, and, ummm… the professor just wanted me to remind you, ummm… before you go, that he is an American citizen… born in, ummm… Pennsylvania… and has never been to Germany or, ummm… Argentina… ummm… thank you.”

Harrumph File #043 11.21.2010_Whoever invented digital clocks should be flogged (and cash registers that tell you how much change to give)

     Do digital clocks piss you off as much as they piss me off?  Well, probably not because they really piss me off.  And why do they have such an effect on me you might ask?  It’s because you can make a direct link between the rise of digital clocks and the fall of western civilization.

     At one time clocks were not only timepieces, but also virtual works of art.  Some have fetched hundreds of thousands of dollars at auction (true, they’re not ancient Chinese vases but truly, what do ancient Chinese vases really do besides just sit there?  And, if you were to buy one would you actually fill it with water and put some flowers in it, or would you be wary of damaging it with said water and hence just leave it empty, unfulfilled, devoid of life and any sense of real purpose?  After all, the ancient Chinese hag that used to own it two thousand years ago actually used it as a vase, so go ahead and fill it up.  Heck it’s probably just a Nazi fake anyway.  Consult Indiana Jones on that.)

     Anyway, once we graduated from sundials, timepieces really took off.  From mantle clocks to nice pocket watches (which are now the exclusive purview of train enthusiasts and anti-technology hermits) to grandfather clocks to “Big Ben.”  And then “it” happened.  The initial sloping of the inevitable slippery slope into oblivion.  Yes, you know what “it” is… the invention of the digital clock.  The digital clock opened the door to doomsday as assuredly as the ChiComs are evil.  You see, people didn’t have to think about time anymore.  They could just look at a digital display and know instantly that it was “12:09 AM,” then “3:42 AM,” then “4:26 AM,” then finally “6:03 AM” when the alarm goes off (because you could never get that “slow” button on your alarm to work quite right & therefore had to settle for getting close to 6:00 AM with the “fast” button.)

     And so, as people gave up on thinking about time in a folksy, relaxed way (“it’s a quarter to one,” “noontime,” “Nigh on to sunset” & such,) they gave up on math skills in general.  This was accelerated by the digital display cash register.  You see, back in “the day,” when Ritchie got a job in the malt shoppe, he had to figure out how much change to give you when you paid for that 17-cent malt with a quarter.  Nowadays, when you buy your 7 dollar and 85 cent macho grande with extra whipped cream, the guy at the drive-in window doesn’t have to do anything close to real math when you give him that ten-spot, the dang machine says: “$2.15,” how can he screw that up?  Heck, the 15 cents in coin you’re gonna get just goes in the jar for cancer anyway, while you pocket the folding money.

     So, obviously digital clocks are the “singularity”… the “initial datum”… the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.  Digital clocks led to “smart” cash registers, which led to 8 dollar coffees, which led to “The Jersey Shore,” predicted by the Mayans as the final sign of the end times.

     You might also remember that virtually all robots use digital clocks, and the countdown timer to the coming robot revolution that has already started is in fact, a digital clock.

They're coming to get you, Barbara..."

     And, with the rise of evil digital clocks can we really continue to use old-time folksy sayings such as: “half past a monkey’s ass” anymore, or will the person asking you for the time just stare at you like an idiot when you use one… while they buy their 8 dollar macho grande and sit down to another episode of “Jersey?”

     So listen for the “tick-tock… tick-tock… tick-tock…” as we approach the end, folks.  Actually, you won’t hear that sound since digital clocks are silent… yet another way in which their inherent evil properties puts us at a disadvantage.  Harrumph…

Poll #13 by: Research & Development Division

     This week’s poll will be introduced by one of our preeminent scientists here in the undisclosed HARRUMPH bunker site, well-equipped with end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table.  Please welcome Professor Heinrich Von Schmidt… (*mumbling from off stage*)  Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot… (*more mumbling from off stage*)  Don’t worry, noones’s going to recognize… just shush.  Please welcome Professor Henry Smith, American citizen who has never been to Germany… or even anywhere in Europe… or South America.

     “Vell, hallo everyvun.  I vould like to go over ziss veek’s poll for you.  Let me begin by saying that even sough my training is in rocketry, I am also vell conversed in umm… chemical engineering and physics.  hmmm… mmm (*kind of a weird, muffled giggle*.)  Ve started on a project to transmogrify a frog into a Tyrannosaurus rex… umm just to see if ve could actually do it… hmmm… mmm.  And, ve ended up opening some kind uf portal or hole vich vas a vindow into zee future.  So ve had a nice talk vis vun uf my colleagues from tventy sree elefun (*scratches ‘2311’ on chalkboard*) a, umm, Mr. Zoltron… hmmm… mmm.   You see he zays everyvun in zee future goes by only vun name… zumthink to do vis zee popularity of zum people from our time… ummm, I sink he zaid zum of zee names vere ‘Mrs. Gaga’ or zumthink, ummm, ‘Zinbad,’ let’s see anozer vas ‘Opera’ or vas it ‘Oprah,’ and a ‘Mr. T,’ or maybe it vas ‘P.’

     He told us many other sinks about zee future that vere, at times, troubling.  Zay do haf flying cars und vorld-vide cell coverage vis no roaming charges, but it zeems sat zeir robot verkers are not following directions very vell and zeem to be actually organizing.  hmmm… mmm.  Anyvay, Mr. ummm… Provezzor Zoltron saw zee ‘SS’ vatch on my… hmmm… mmm.  I mean zee ‘Rotary Club’ vatch on my wrist und vas very intrigued by zee dial on zee face.  You see, they haf no analog vatches in zee future… zumthink to do vis zee “Idiocracy Zyndrome.”  So ziss leads us to poll number sirteen:

Entertainment Division poll on "B" movie monsters ends

     Hi everyone, Julie, your cruise director here with the poll results for this week!  I’m afraid Captain Stubing…err, I mean the EGiC (sorry, old habits die hard…*sniff*) is rather upset that “The Giant Claw” received no votes at all.  I think he thought it would be a runaway winner.  The next two, “The Creature From the Black Lagoon” and “Zontar” got one vote each.  I mean, “Zontar, the Thing From Venus” I could understand because it probably was more like a “C” or “D” movie.  But, I always thought “Creature” was pretty creepy.  In fact it kinda reminds me of this one time back on the Love Boat.  We were having this big Halloween party on the Lido deck…really crazy…*sniff*  Anyway, I thought I had actually seen the creature crawling over the boat rail onto the deck… I don’t remember anything else until I woke up the next morning between “Gopher” and Isaac… Oh well, everyone makes bad decisions.
     And so the last two, Godzilla & Alan Colmes ended up in a tie.  Well, we here at the HARRUMPH organization hate a tie as much as any pot-smoking, sweater-wearing professor from Berkeley so we went ahead and put both of the names in separate envelopes, mixed them up, & then destroyed one with a flame-thrower.  The one that survived will be crowned “The best “B” movie monster of all time!”  The envelope please… And the winner is… Alan Colmes!!!!  Congratulations!  Ooops… sorry about that picture… I get them mixed up all the time… They do kinda look alike, don’t they?

Alan Colmes?

Harrumph File #042 11.14.2010_ The Best movie ever made

          Some might say it’s “The Godfather.”  Others surely think “Jaws” takes the top spot.  I could make an argument for “The Giant Claw,” but we’d all be wrong.  The best movie ever made:  “Kelly’s Heroes” starring Clint Eastwood in his prime.  The supporting cast is superb.  Telly Savalas as “Big Joe,” the tough as nails top sergeant just trying to keep his guys alive on the road to Berlin.  Donald Sutherland is “Oddball,” a crazy, whacked-out sergeant in charge of three Sherman tanks, more interested in what he’s smoking than in fighting a war.  Carroll O’Connor is General Colt, a “Patton”-like commander, complete with a box of medals.  And Don Rickles as “Crapgame,” a supply sergeant with more connections than Don Corleone.

          Then there’s the real star of the show, the tommy gun.  Yes, you heard right, the Thompson submachine gun, aka: the “Chicago Typewriter,” aka: the “Chopper,” aka: the “Trenchbroom.”  Sure, other movies might have a tommy gun or two, but in this one they’re the star.  There are literally dozens of them.  And, they’re killing Nazis… in large numbers.  And, they’re being carried by Dirty Harry & Kojack!  “Who loves ya, baby?”  I’ll tell you who:  Mr. Thompson and his .45 caliber full metal jacket spittin’ dream machine.

          So I hear you say: “Wait a minute, weren’t there tommy guns in ‘The Godfather?’  And that movie has so much more to it!”  Well, yes, “The Godfather” is a great movie and it did feature probably the most famous tommy gun scene in history – Sonny getting blasted at the causeway by a dozen guys with Thompsons.  But, when you get down to it, that’s it.  Even during the classic baptism scene you’ve got hoods getting blown away with pistols, shotguns & other machine guns; Moe Greene even gets shot though his eyeglasses.  But not a single Thompson.

          And, as far as “Jaws,” well, you know they might have had a giant shark but, once again, no tommy guns.  Of course, if Quint had a tommy gun on board “Orca” it would’ve been a rather short movie; Quint finds giant shark.  Quint blows said shark out of the water with tommy gun.  Quint hauls dead shark into port and becomes a hero… instead of shark food.  “I’ll never wear a life jacket again…”  Yeah, you’ll never wear pants again Quint.  Should’ve invested in a tommy gun.  Now, in “Kelly’s Heroes,” the only guys not firing away with tommy guns are one guy with a sniper rifle and another guy with a B.A.R., kinda like a tommy gun on steroids.

          And, you can’t beat “Kelly’s Heroes” for a great plot.  Kelly finds out about $14 million in gold the rotten Nazis are holding in a bank 40 miles behind the lines.  He convinces the guys in his recon platoon to go for it during a three day rest from combat.  As “Crapgame” puts it while grinning like a Cheshire cat: “It could be the perfect crime…”

            As you can guess, they punch through the German lines, meet up with “Oddball” & his tanks, then take on the krauts guarding the bank, winner take all.  Meanwhile, Carroll O’Connor, as the blood & guts General Colt hears about Kelly’s & Big Joe’s men fighting their way through the Germans & takes off after them with his driver, the recon platoon’s commander, Captain Maitland, and his box of medals intent on “decorating every man in this penetration… whoever they are.”  As General Colt is approaching the town, driving through crowds of newly liberated Frenchmen, Kelly & the men load the last of the gold and roll out for Switzerland.  When the general’s jeep gets bogged down in the crowd, Maitland jumps off, with a tommy gun on his shoulder, and checks out the battle scene in the town square; Frenchmen waving flags, tiger tanks burning. As he walks through the blown out doors in the bank, wondering what the heck happened there, he sees no Nazis… no GI’s… nothing but a little bit of GI graffiti written on the wall… “Up yours baby…”  Maitland throws out an offended look… Queue the music… Kelly & the men drive off into the sunset.  Top that!  Harrumph…

11 Nov: Entertainment division poll

     Howdy everyone, it’s Julie, your cruise director here.  I’m glad to be working here in the entertainment division of the HARRUMPH organization (actually, I’m glad to be working anywhere since “The Love Boat” sank 20 years ago… *sniff*)  As you can see, I still haven’t fixed that overbite that Captain Stubing used to love, but I sure have some great ideas to liven things up in the undisclosed HARRUMPH bunker site, well-equipped with end-of-the-world supplies, including the world-famous "great wall of ammunition," miniature grenade range, and ping-pong table!  Hey, anyone want to play bingo?!!!  Join me on the promenade deck at 1800 sharp to pick up your bingo card!  Oh, we’ll also be showing some movies this weekend and we’d like to get your input on a couple of things before Captain Stubing gives his final approval!  So, welcome aboard and make yourself comfortable!  If you need help finding your cabin you can ask that little snot, Gopher.  You’ll probably find him in my underwear drawer… the little pervert.

10 Nov: Tattoo poll ends

     Well hallo everyone, it’s Mrs. Stivic, the lunch lady, again.  That nice young man asked me to let you know what the results from the last poll were.  As I remember, it was on different kinds of them tattoo things that sailors and convicts sometimes get on their arms.  I remember when Mr. Stivic, God rest his soul, was a prison guard over at the Wisconsin State Reformatory. Well, that was before we moved to Oshkosh, don-chya-no?  My uncle Jim got him a job there after the war, when he got out of them Marines.  Well, he used to tell me stories about them convicts and how they’d give themselves tattoos ‘n such…ooohhh, I feel a little faint just thinking about it!

     So, here are them results from the poll.  It looks like poor old Popeye only got one vote; maybe he needs to eat a little more spinach, hehe!  And the next possibility was a “tramp stamp.”  I don’t know what that would be, but it didn’t get any votes anyways, don-chya-no?  The third one was to get a tattoo for that Obama fella on your…well, on a certain part of… well, let’s just say “over” your heart, ok? (*mumbling from off stage*) Oh, yes over your heart or on a “sack.”  Hmmm, I’m not really sure why you would get one on a sack… (*looking around*)  do they mean like a grocery sack? (*more mumbling from off stage*)  Oh my!  Ooohhh, I feel faint again… (*fanning*)

     I just don’t know if I can continue this, Mr. man.  (*mumbling from off stage*) Oh, ok, I know, there’s just one more.  It looks like the winner is this bar code thing with two votes.  I don’t know what that one is either.  A bar code?  Well, you know, I’ve never been in a bar, except that one time I had to go pick up Mr. Stivic, God rest his soul, because that bartender, Mr. Casey, took his keys away after he, well, not to speak ill of the deceased you know, but he had a little too much that fourth of July back in 1965, don-chya-no?  Ooohhh, I’ve got to be off now, my buns need warming up before lunch.  Bye-bye, now!

Harrumph File #041 11.07.2010_ Tattoos: stupid, or just plain dumb?

     So you see the title of this week’s harrumph and you say: “You wait one minute, Mr. harrumph-man, that’s just not fair to say that there are only two positions on tattoos:  stupid or dumb.  What about people that like tattoos; they don’t think they’re stupid or dumb!  Just what do you have to say about that!?”  Well, I’ve only got to say one thing about that:  they’re wrong on both counts.  Sorry, that’s just the way it is.

     You see, tattoos were, at one time, solely the province of people that were, well, not exactly the pinnacles of society.  Think back to a time when western men, wearing large pith helmets, and even larger handlebar mustaches, took to the wilds of uncharted South Sea Islands, to the deserts of Persia, to the mysterious dark continent of sub-Saharan Africa, and the exotic plains of India.  Well, how exactly did they tell the friendly natives from the bloodthirsty, human-flesh eating cannibals, before they found themselves in a pot of boiling water?  That’s right, tattoos.  The evildoers always wore strange markings upon their faces and arms.  Permanent masks of harrumphedness that simultaneously frightened and intimidated those that they dealt with…before dinner was served… hahaha.  After all, Tarzan was a good guy, and he never sported a tattoo.

     And then, of course, this horrible ritual of self-mutilation came back to the shores of the mighty British Empire through the good offices of the East India trading company and the Royal Navy.  Who else but those scalawags of history, the pirates roaming the seven seas, would actually want to be tattooed?  Of course, in addition to the usual skulls, swords, and “mom” labels, there was the occasional “P” that appeared on an unwilling arm or two, courtesy of the local Brigadier or Governor.  Sure, maybe those “P’s” can be classified more as brandings than tattooings, but let’s not quibble when I’m on a roll, hmmm?  Once again, it’s the bad guys who end up with the permanent marks.

     Speaking of brandings, how about convicted cowards in the Union army receiving an unwanted “C” on their face, courtesy of the great emancipator during the civil war?  Yep, as you can see, a tat equals “bad.”

     So let’s fast-forward to today’s modern society.  With the emergence of motorcycle gangs in the ‘60’s (I don’t include ‘50’s motorcycle gangs because we all know that Fonzie would never get a tattoo) the ink flowed like blood in the streets.  Now, I’m not one to disparage any particular group of people… especially ones that are heavily armed and organized, but I think that even motorcycle gang members would agree that they’re rather nefarious characters.  I mean, really, that’s the look they’re going for so there’s no need for them to be offended.  And if they are then let me suggest one thing that’ll make everything right:  please substitute the word “ChiCom” for “motorcycle gang” throughout this entire paragraph.

     Ok, so let me get to the point of this harrumph so that motorcycle gang members will realize that I’m actually doing them a service here.  Remember, tattoos throughout history have been used by miscreants to signify strength and power… intimidation, right?  Well, what the heck happened?  Why is it that those evil-looking, intimidating tattoos worn by tough, motorcycle riding, denizens of the dark side, have been cheapened… have been diluted… have been, yes, even overshadowed by “tramp stamps” and colorful vines creeping up legs… “sleeves” depicting scenes from the Sistine chapel… “Charlie Brown”-like zigzags around arms?

     I want to know who that first bimbo was that walked into a tattoo parlor (of course, on the wrong side of town,) and demanded that the hulking needler behind the chair put a pretty little unicorn with a rainbow horn right above her ass crack?  And, I also want to know who that hulking needler was that let himself get talked into starting us down the path leading to the fall of western civilization?

Are you kidding me?

     Oh, I’m going too far here, you say?  I think not.  With tattoos now the new style, the new “urban” art form, just how do you propose we tell the good guys from the bad guys?  Besides that, as tattoos become more accepted as “the norm” in society, these human canvases compete with each other on the elaborateness of their body art.  More and more skin is being inked… all these tattooed 20-somethings out there are turning into Queequegs! (Check your Herman Melville for that reference.) And have you seen some of those idiots out there, usually seen on “Ripley’s Believe it, or Not!,” that are transmogrifying themselves into lizard people?  Tattooed scales, cosmetic surgery to give them horns & stuff… I once even saw some loser with a tail!

     Smarten up, people.  This can only lead to our destruction.  No, I’m not exaggerating this point either.  Remember the explorers from earlier in this harrumph?  Remember how they knew friendlies from enemies?  Remember Tarzan (good guy,) no tats; cannibals (bad guys,) lots of tats?  So who do you think other explorers will see as good guys & bad guys in today’s modern world?  You know, “other” explorers… maybe ones with big, saucer shaped ships… with death ray rifles and transporter beams?  With technology so far advanced from ours that we would be like the dime novel natives of old?  Technology that we can’t stand up to (but maybe I’ll finally get a flying car out of?)  So who will THEY see as friendlies?  Those with natural skin (like Tarzan) or those of you who have chosen to become human monstrosities like those lizard people.   Just sayin’… maybe something to think about before they sell out of bleach & steel wool down at Walmart… Harrumph…

5 Nov: New poll by Mrs. Stivic

     Ummm…hallo, there everybody.  I’m Mrs. Stivic.  You know, the “lunch line lady?”  Oh, well, maybe you don’t recognize me without my hairnet.  That Evil Genius man makes me wear it when I’m serving you boys your lunch, don-chya-no?  I’m not really sure what they want me to do here because I don’t really get out of the cafeteria much, but this nice young man said he had a meeting or some such thing to do and asked if I could present a poll for you after lunch.  Well, I said “You betcha, my sister married a very nice polish gentleman when we yousta live back in Oshkosh, don-chya-no?”

     Well, this young man said it didn’t have anything to do with Poland or Oshkosh, it had something to do with “tats.”  Well, I’ll let you know, when I heard that I told him that I’m a respectable person and we just don’t use that kind of language back in Oshkosh!  Well, he seemed a little bent outta shape, and then said that he meant "tattoos."  So I told this young man that I remember my uncle Jim…Jim Falarky was his name.  Him and aunt Marge lived down in Sheboygan before the war, don-chya-no?  Well, uncle Jim got one of those tattoo things on his arm when he joined them Marines.  Down in San Diego, after he graduated from boot camp.  Well, I had heard that that California place was kind of, well, “liberal” abowt them things, what with all them Hollywood movie stars ‘n such but I shur wouldn’t let one of my boys join them Marines or go to California if that’s what they’re doin’ out there!

     Oh, well, it’s been really nice chatin’ with you now, but I’ve gotta get back die-rectly to the cafeteria or I’ll never get dinner done!

4 Nov: Anti-zombie weapon poll results

     Once again, the Armory division would like to introduce Colonel Trowbridge VC, KBE, DSO, DCM to go over the results of our poll.

     “Right, Colonel Trowbridge here.  I have received the following dispatch from HARRUMPH headquarters: ‘Japanese forces have broken through in sections Toyota and Honda; suggest immediate evacuation via small craft and…’  Wait one bloody minute… what is this nonsense?  (*muffled laughter in background*)  I say, did you armory boys put me up to this rubbish? (*more laughter*)  Bloody yanks.”

     “All right, let’s get to the results, what?  It appears that the flame-thrower received zero votes.  Now, this is quite unexpected since, as I remember, the flame-thrower was a rather effective weapon.  I remember when I was on loan to the United States Marines during the invasion of Saipan.  I was attached to General "Howlin' Mad" Holland Smith’s Corps headquarters as liason for the Royal Navy destroyer squadron which was part of the shore bombardment force.  Well, once we landed…”  (*muffled voice from off-page*)…  “I say, what was that?”  (*muffled voice*)  “Oh, right…off topic again…right, sorry…back to the poll results, eh?  Right, well, with one vote is this tele’ thing with this Maddow person.  I’m sorry, who is this person?  I don’t have the faintest clue who she is.”  (*muffled voice from off-page*)… MSNLB...LNB… oh, rot…well, whoever she is she bloody lost.”

     “Right, well the last two tied but quite frankly I don’t know how you could compare a machete and a shotgun.  I mean, really, you would use them in two different situations.  But I guess you rich yanks would probably have both anyway so I’m not even sure if we need to make any comparisons.  After, all I’m sure you would fire your bloody shotgun with your unlimited bloody ammunition…”  (*muffled voice from off-page*)… “I say, why are you interrupting me?  Bloody yanks… right, I’ve had just about enough of this rot…” (*stomping off stage*)

     Ummm… thank you, Colonel Trowbridge, for that enlightening analysis (*voice from off-page:*  “Sod off, you bloody yanks!”  *more stomping*)…